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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 22:53

OP I am not having a go at your choice to use prep school and wish we could ( we choose to spend the money on extra curricular stuff instead). I just felt that it was stark that your values are to give your own DC the best start whilst your BF was making vastly different choices

cestlavielife · 07/05/2018 23:02

He will pick up some reading and math playing video games....

biscuitmillionaire · 07/05/2018 23:07

I think many posters are missing the point that this situation has only been ongoing since the bf and his exw split up. Before that the OP got the impression the mum was doing some HE.

Peakypush · 07/05/2018 23:14

Gosh OP, come on and give your head a wobble! This man is pathetic, I'm sick to my stomach thinking about that little boy. This is how so much abuse occurs - people stand by and do nothing. You should really be ashamed of yourself for wanting to be in a relationship with a man like this, bloody report them and run away from this loser

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 23:16

Thanks @biscuitmillionaire... I thought she was taking their son to activities and meet-ups. But whoever asked about the mum, she has agreed to look at some schools so hopefully they will all find something suitable. It may be the same school as my kids,it may not. It will be whatever school they feel will suit his needs best. My eldest is diagnosed with autism and ADHD and they were happy to enrol her at the local prep to our work.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 07/05/2018 23:18

OP your defensiveness sits very badly with the disturbing details you've posted about this child's so-called life. This is a parenting website, i'm baffled as to what reaction you were expecting.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 23:23

I don't think I have been defensive. Just trying to convey all the facts accurately. :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 23:24

Stop troll hunting also. Report to MNHQ if you are concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 23:25

I guess as soon as you mention private school you will get some one's back up.

OP posts:
JustaLittlePrick · 07/05/2018 23:29

You cannot be morally abandon this child to this horror show of a life. OP, you must call social services and allow the authorities to remove him or at the very least get him into school and monitor his care at home .

He is being neglected.

Your boyfriend is not a good father.

Poor child. With every privilege your own children have, you are complaining about about an abused, neglected child acting out when he is around more fortunate children.

Do something.

Rachie1973 · 07/05/2018 23:29

OP

You keep saying your partner is the 'main carer' but he's not is he? They share the nights, with her taking the majority, and working the rest of the nights.

Then the boy is with her during the day when she's sleeping.

The child needs to go to school as she isn't available to HE him.

She must sleep, she has to sleep. The idea of HE needs to be abandoned.

I think perhaps stop holding the ex 100% responsible for this situation and have a good hard look at your boyfriend who would 'like' 100% custody but hasn't actually bother doing anything about it.

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 23:34

whoever asked about the mum, she has agreed to look at some schools so hopefully they will all find something suitable. It may be the same school as my kids,it may not. It will be whatever school they feel will suit his needs best.

This is the same mum who has been reported to SS, sleeps through most of her contact time, smokes weed in his room and leaves him alone to go shopping yes? Suddenly she's capable to assess his what best suits his needs??

FranticallyPeaceful · 07/05/2018 23:41

Exactly what @Rachie1973 said. She has him during the day and works at night - When is she supposed to sleep?? HE kids don’t need to go to groups by the way, plenty don’t and just socialise in day to day life...( but how can he learn through living if nobody is spending time with him?) It’s no excuse for the fact nobody is spending time with him or educating him or allowing him to just live and grow.

Lots of blaming the ex when you’re enabling the “main carer”

LineyErgoSum · 07/05/2018 23:44

This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own

This was the OP's original post / request for advice.

But it was all a playdate.

Jux · 07/05/2018 23:46

I think HE, whilst the parents were together, was working. Once they split, the whole of their lives should have been re-evaluated, including how to educate their son.

I realise you are not responsible for any aspect of this.

Presumably as he does the main caring, has the boy 12/14 nights, that his ex is paying him child support? If not, then perhaps if he were to sort that out then he could afford a nanny, or cm type person who could oversee the HE, and his ds would retain that much of his old life.

Sometimes, when divorce happens, people simply don't have the luxury of sticking to their old lives, not even their children's old lives. Frankly, even a state school would be better for this boy than what he has now. He would not be the first child who was flung headlong into the lion's den like that, and who survived. He might even thrive.

LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 23:50

Ruff exactly. And at this time of night she's suddenly decided that has she despite the fact she works every night from what OP says? I find it very odd that all of a sudden things are suddenly being thought about with the intention of changing the situation all because OP asked about her relationship but was told her Bf is a child abuser Hmm Amazing how things have changed in the past hour or so in the late hours of a bank holiday.

SeriouslyBanana · 07/05/2018 23:52

I guess as soon as you mention private school you will get some one's back up.

I think it was the child abuse that did that Hmm

Beeziekn33ze · 07/05/2018 23:52

Education, whether at home or in school is not limited to reading, writing, and maths, FFS.
I hope this unfortunate child soon is in a situation where someone actually cares about him.
It's all very well to be negative about state schools but OP might be surprised to see how much goes on in them and what happy places most primary schools are.

Beeziekn33ze · 07/05/2018 23:56

Jux - bit of a crosspost. I agree with you that a state school could suit the poor child. Not all prep schools are wonderful.

Rachie1973 · 08/05/2018 00:01

I think the constant knocking of the ex has peoples backs up too. Lots of drip feeding, and resolving her partner of any blame.

He's got him overnight, but allows him to stay up until 2am? Yet it's somehow the ex's fault that his education and social development is delayed?

She's a neglectful weed smoking ex, but apparently the child needs his mother too.

None of it sounds realistic. Sounds like OP swallows whatever partner feeds her blindly.

Jux · 08/05/2018 00:05

Quite, Beezie, mine wasn't. As a Prep school it was a fine Guantanamo, full of frightened and submissive children. Academically good, but nothing else was good about it.

The comprehensive I went to after was almost like luxury in comparison!

And I must say that when we sent dd to the local primary, she had some superb and wonderful teachers, dedicated and committed and made learning such fun. It was the national curriculum and the Govt pissing about with everything over and over again which made it shit.

That's all stopped now we've lost the talented Mr Gove (mourn his passing - oh no, don't Grin).

Sashkin · 08/05/2018 00:31

I think they genuinely had all good intentions to HE initially, but it all just didn't work out

Do you? It seems far more likely that they keep their child out of mainstream education because it allows them to continue to neglect him without anyone noticing and reporting it to SS. Abusive families often keep their children off school. It makes the abuse much easier to cover up.

FASH84 · 08/05/2018 00:40

OP I think it's because the being able to afford prep school doesn't easily fit with how you have described your boyfriend and his ex wife, eg she works nights every night (not always true but often not the most high earning jobs take place at night unless you're going to tell me she's a pilot) , and the fact she smokes weed in the same room where the child sleeps suggests they live in a small flat, again not suggestive of a prep school budget. The fact that your partner has left the child in this circumstance without a nanny etc as a more appropriate and sober caretaker, or hired an actual tutor, again most people would assume financial constraints. All of this may be wildly inaccurate but are reasonable assumptions based on what you've described thus far. It's not a comment on the appropriate nature of private education, it just seems even more outrageous that this situation has continued when one or both parents have the easy financial means to avoid it. Which they must do if they are now considering paying for private schooling.

Ruffian · 08/05/2018 00:44

My eldest is diagnosed with autism and ADHD The same child is described as 'pretty laid-back and mature for her age' earlier in the thread.

LiteraryDevil usually i'm not bothered too much about how genuine a poster is but in this case, posting such upsetting, disturbing stuff I think it's very wrong. I queried it with mnhq early on but they said they didn't have any reason to doubt. I'd be surprised if they felt that now.

LiteraryDevil · 08/05/2018 07:51

Ruffian I agree completely. Op is ignoring most comments unless they serve her selfish purpose. Any normal person who finds themselves unintentionally complicit in child abuse would be horrified, not defending one of the perpetrators.