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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 08/05/2018 08:06

I guess as soon as you mention private school you will get some one's back up

No its the mention of neglect and your apathy towards it that does this.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon?

Originally you showed no concern about the neglect of this boy or insight as to why he may hate your child.

It is mainly my almost 6 year old we envisaged he would want to play with. It is just less of an issue as she is older, pretty laid back and fairly mature for her age.

The child with ADHD and ASD?

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 09:47

My eldest is diagnosed with autism and ADHD The same child is described as 'pretty laid-back and mature for her age' earlier in the thread.

@Nanna50 @Ruffian
So you think that a child with autism and ADHD can't be mature for their age?

MsGameandWatching · 08/05/2018 09:53

Indeed Evangeline. My oldest has autism. He's the most laid back, gentle person you'd ever wish to meet.

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 09:58

@MsGameandWatching Right I have autism too and have always been so mature and laid-back.

Nanna50 · 08/05/2018 10:14

So you think that a child with autism and ADHD can't be mature for their age?

I didn't say that, the spectrum is varied, no two people are the same either with or without ASD.

Quartz2208 · 08/05/2018 10:19

OP in this instance the very worse thing would be a prep school.

Imagine how quickly he would be isolated and picked upon and then the parents view point. Its gone to far for it to be a fix.

He needs far more specialist involvement as do his parents. Social Services for support is the only way forward for getting out of this mess.

And the only prejudice I see is yours against the state system

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 10:28

@Nanna50 So why did you question "the child with ADHD and Autism?"

Nanna50 · 08/05/2018 11:20

So why did you question "the child with ADHD and Autism?

It was a question, which is a request for information, I think you are reading it as a judgement?

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 12:04

@Nanna50
I am, yeah. As OP clearly wrote she has two kids, 3 & 6. Then said the older one has autism and ADHD but is very mature for her age.
Then you wrote, "the same child who has autism and ADHD?"

Lifechallenges · 08/05/2018 12:26

I think the ADHD comments detract from whether OP has actually decided that she needs to intervene to help the poor child

LiteraryDevil · 08/05/2018 12:34

Always suspicious when the OP disappears.

Bekabeech · 08/05/2018 12:51

If you are geniune.

a) This is not HE but neglect and SS do have a role in neglect even if lack of education is the biggest sign.

b) no decent prep school would accept such a child. Adult to child numbers are not the only judgement of suitability. Lots of HE children go to state school and fit in just fine (the ones who don't would have struggled anywhere).

c) If you are one year out of an abusive marriage then you should be getting counselling/doing the freedom programme not dashing into the first relationship that comes along.

Dieu · 08/05/2018 13:03

Wow, I waited 4 years after the break-up of my marriage to start dating, and even then I haven't dated anyone as yet that I'd want to introduce to my kids. I am far from a perfect parent, but this seems to have moved very very fast.
Is your partner's son an only child? It sounds like he is struggling with how to 'be' with other children. Your kids don't sound at fault at all. I would take a step back and reintroduce when a bit older, and when your partner's son is better socialised/mature.

Starlight2345 · 08/05/2018 13:10

My child has ADHD and actually yes they are not as emotionally mature as other children ..It is approximately 3 years delayed www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-news/2007/brain-matures-a-few-years-late-in-adhd-but-follows-normal-pattern.shtml I don't know about ASD

I am shocked to be honest. After one conversation they are going to look at prep schools, from parents working day and night and now they can earn enough to send to a prep school. It isn't about been able to afford it.. You have two parents who have neglected this childs education and now want to pay for a education that meets his needs rather than pass it onto the local state.

gendercritter · 08/05/2018 13:19

I think with neglected children, they rely so much on adults outside the home speaking up on their behalf. This could drag on for years if you don't report his mum, regardless of his dad enrolling him in a school.

I will just say op that as someone who has got out of a long term abusive relationship you need to be ultra cautious. I don't even think you should be dating anyone for a year or two until you and your dcs have enjoyed some stability and you've done some work on yourself. Abuse alters you in ways you might not even notice until some time has passed. It wears down your boundaries and skews you ideas of what is normal. You are at high risk of going into another abusive relationship which might be lower level and more subtle but which is still terrible for you and your children

You say your current dp is wonderful. He might have been to you so far but wonderful men don't sit back and watch their children being neglected. It sounds horrendously complicated that both of you were cheated on and have got together so soon. That's a huge red flag in itself because it takes time to heal from these things.

Please have some time alone. Get yourself in a much stronger place before you date again. Build some boundaries. For your children's sake. It sounds like they've had enough upheaval. They won't have come out of the last few years unscathed.

IamaBluebird · 08/05/2018 14:07

Poor little boy. He should be his parents main priority not passed back and fore like a parcel at hours that suit them.

Ruffian · 08/05/2018 14:24

It's a horrible thought isn't it Bluebird, a little boy being hoiked out of bed asleep and dumped over at his other parent's place where she's not even awake to make sure he's ok Sad

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 15:13

I don't think it's for anyone to say how soon is too soon in terms of moving on from an ended relationship. There's no right or wrong time.

gendercritter · 08/05/2018 15:52

*There's no right or wrong time

There really quite often is when you've come out of an abusive relationship and you have children who need protecting.

June1966 · 08/05/2018 16:20

The people to contact are your local council's EIS - Education Inclusion Services. I don't work in the private sector, just the maintained sector, and no school in the maintained sector would be particularly willing to take on a child who'd never been in mainstream schooling. There would need to be some proper evaluation of his needs to see if a mainstream setting was the best for him. A smaller school set up for children with special needs might be better.

I would hope that any private school worth its salt (fees) would also put the child first and do a proper evaluation rather than grabbing another bum for their seats in order to keep their accounts healthy.

I realise it's hard to speak up for this boy given that you are involved with his father, but well done for tackling his father already. The earlier an intervention is made, the better the long-term outcome for this child.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/05/2018 19:33

Op,this has heehaw to do with private school.nada.its about parental neglect
Your bf is neglecting his own son,and is complicit in how his ex treats their son
Your bf He does nada,other than a bit handwringing and what can I do excuses
Don’t digress off topic thinking it’s a private school issue it isn’t
I did advise you not wise for your bf to put his son in your dc school.its too enmeshed,and you’ll end up suckererd into this chaos

Step back,engage your brain,use your emotional intelligence,put yourself in this wee boys situation

  • estranged parents, fractious relationship
  • numerous location moves
  • lack of structure
  • no formal schooling
  • no bed time routine,no wind down,no comforting reassuring routine
  • dads new gf and the boy may feel threat/challenge from your kids for dad affection
  • mum new bf and the boy may feel threat/challenge from your mum bf for mum affection

So do try empathise, see the issues and report this to social services

feelinggoodinspring · 08/05/2018 19:42

Indeed Evangeline. My oldest has autism. He's the most laid back, gentle person you'd ever wish to meet

Same with my ds. He's 5 and has autism. He is so calm, laid back, gentle and well behaved. Much more so than my NT children.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/05/2018 19:47

mum new bf and the boy may feel threat/challenge from his mum bf for mum affection

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 20:15

@gendercritter

There really quite often is when you've come out of an abusive relationship and you have children who need protecting.

That's choosing the right time to introduce your children, there's no right time to move on from a relationship.

Evangeline3 · 08/05/2018 20:17

@feelinggoodinspring I agree totally! We're often very calm in nature!