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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Bekabeech · 09/05/2018 06:34

@Evangeline3 That's choosing the right time to introduce your children, there's no right time to move on from a relationship.

Have you been in an abusive relationship? Do you have a close friend who has?

Things take time to heal. People take time to re-establish boundaries, and to find out why they were vulnerable and work through all their issues.

Most people who don't take time to heal and grow - end up in a different kind of abusive relationship (maybe even ignoring the "good guys" because they seem dull).
And if someone doesn't - then its a bit like Uncle Fred who smoked 60 a day and lived to 99 - a fluke.

If you have children you should be extra careful - even if they never met the new partner if Mum is being abused again it will affect them.

And this guy has a host of Red flags waving in the breeze.

LiteraryDevil · 09/05/2018 19:09

I see OP hasn't come back. Very much hope she has reported this to SS and dumped her Bf. I doubt it though.

Evangeline3 · 10/05/2018 02:01

@Bekabeech What's my experience of abusive relationships got to do with people choosing when to move on?

Is that based on facts and evidence? If so, may I see your sources?
And people heal in different amounts of time so I'm not sure how such a survey could be done.
Who decides whether someone has "healed" or not?
Perhaps they heal in their new relationship?
I really don't understand your "facts".

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 10/05/2018 02:25

Is that based on facts and evidence? If so, may I see your sources You only have to look at the scores of women on here who have ended up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship.

Expecting your partner to heal you is a terrible idea. It puts way too much pressure on the relationship and the partner.

You have to be able to stand on your own two feet before you can have a successful relationship.

KevinTurvey · 10/05/2018 02:27

Blimey, this threads got it all....

Evangeline3 · 10/05/2018 22:39

@ThisIsTheFirstStep

You only have to look at the scores of women on here who have ended up in abusive relationship after abusive relationship.

And Where's the evidence to show this is because they entered into a relationship "too quickly"?

It's not always putting pressure on your partner. Happiness can heal.

Standing on your own two feet is different to healing.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 10/05/2018 23:05

Of course happiness is healing.

Bouncing from one shitty relationship to another rarely brings happiness though.

Does it seem like OP has ended up with a prize catch here? A guy who doesn’t even bother educating his child?

Evangeline3 · 10/05/2018 23:56

@ThisIsTheFirstStep
Who said people are bouncing just because they move on quicker than overs?

And where's this evidence you speak of?

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 11/05/2018 00:11

Frankly, where common sense is at play, you don’t need evidence.

Someone who is vulnerable and prone to choosing shit partners is obviously likely to continue making bad choices. People who are desperate for a partner to make them feel better will put up with any old shite.

Signing off from this as I feel it’s rather personal for you and that’s why you’re so defensive.

Evangeline3 · 11/05/2018 00:21

@ThisIsTheFirstStep

it's common sense that if someone moves on quickly then they will end up in an abusive relationship?
You must hold some common sense that I haven't discovered yet.

Signing off from this as I feel it’s rather personal for you and that’s why you’re so defensive.
Or you just have no evidence to show.

Original poster

SWMWAFC · 16/05/2018 18:17

Just in case anyone wanted an update. I emailed my local social services on Sunday, and got the standard auto-reply. So far I haven't heard they have been in contact with either parent, but as I also told my bf that I couldn't be with some who would treat their child like this and I needed space away whilst him and his mother sorted this out, they may have had a call or visit that I am unaware of. I know many of you think I am some monster, but I was just shell shocked and didn't know how to respond. We are not all perfect, and I never intended to be some sort of complicit to child neglect. He actually does come across as a really nice guy - he is head of our equality team and he stands up for everyone and makes sure everyone is treated fairly... I guess I had him on some pedestal and was blinded by that. I hope I have done the right thing now. I found it hard to find the right line between being a Judgy McJudge face and turning a blind eye.

OP posts:

Original poster

SWMWAFC · 16/05/2018 18:18

Sorry, not Sunday, but Monday!

OP posts:

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 16/05/2018 18:37

I see the thread has morphed into a discussion about your boyfriend's son's care, but going back to the OP... "blended" families very, very rarely work out for the children. Sometimes the parents are happy in blissful ignorance, but the kids are usually unhappy. Do what you need to do to make sure this little boy is okay but I would end the relationship, or at least keep it low key and not move in together.

fuzzyfozzy · 16/05/2018 19:28

Well done, I think the the right thing was done, reporting and a bit of space.
Re the dad, maybe it took you saying this wasn't right will be the turning point for this child.

LiteraryDevil · 16/05/2018 19:29

Glad you did the right thing. Hopefully the family will get the help they need and you will not remain involved in any way with this bloke.

Altwoo · 16/05/2018 19:53

Kudos to you for coming back with an update, and for listening - you’ve done the right thing.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 16/05/2018 20:00

Ah well done OP

You have made a very positive step for this child and if he is decent it will hopefully open his eyes a bit x

Starlight2345 · 16/05/2018 20:08

I would also like to say well done on behalf of the child .

I hope things are moving in the right direction for him and he gets the support he needs

justilou1 · 17/05/2018 00:17

OP, you sound awesome. Don’t take any notice of the people trying to bash you and your parenting. They’re not paying attention. You’re trying to get some help for a struggling little kid. Something else has occurred to me about this kid’s situation that may be relevant. He may also be very vitamin D deficient. If he is, he probably has nerve pain and aching joints and is grumpy a lot. (As well as his other more obvious social defecits) Thank you for fighting so hard to get him some help. I wish someone had fought for me when I was growing up in a home full of disfunctional adults.

justilou1 · 17/05/2018 00:17

*Vitamin D deficient because he’s getting inadequate sunlight.

Littlefish · 26/05/2018 23:56

Well done for e-mailing children's services. Can I suggest that you follow it up with a phone call just to clarify any details. Sometimes Children's services can be slow to act, so a little push wouldn't go amiss.

MsJolly · 27/05/2018 08:55

Jux · 28/05/2018 01:07

Hope you're OK. Thanks for the update.

It was the right thing to do, the child will have a much better life when their routine is regulated sensibly.

Jux · 28/05/2018 01:09

Oh, and did you tell him you'd contacted SS? What was his response when you spoke to him? None of my business of course, don't answer if you don't want to.

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