Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

[SWMWAFC]

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

He does have a way out - he should go and ask for social services support and get him in the right environment and into school

Wow this is child abuse op!! How can you sleep with a man like this 🤢🤢🤢

And where is the DM's boyfriend in all this? Does he work during the day too? Can't he also see what is happening here?

And if he works during the day and DM works at night - what kind of relationship do they have to be introducing to that little boy? Doesn't sounds like it's very stable tbh.

It all just sounds completely bonkers. There are, apparently, four adults involved here, OP, BF, BF's XW and her current BF, and not one of them thinks it's odd to leave a little boy alone all day while his mother is asleep? Or to have him sitting up until 2am?

I do think it is all odd otherwise I wouldn't be posting about it! Sorry for long gap in posts was putting my kids to bed.

As a home educator myself this is very sad. That little boy is being failed by his parents. I suggest you contact social services yourself. Someone needs to intervene so he has a hope for his future.

I am posting for advice as I know this is not a good situation. I appreciate everyone's advice which seems to be mixed but mainly that I need to act. I don't know XW or where she lives or much about her except she appears to have checked out on parenting. I clearly need to have a good talk with my bf. We did have along chat yesterday after the most recent melt down and he did say he was going to consider all options. My suggestions were a small private school, a nanny who would facilate HE or one of the parents need a to take responsibility for the HEing. I really don't think h3 could cope with a 30 class year 2... year 3 in September... when he has had such little interaction. I have said that if this all continues then it doesn't look good for a future for us. He said he is going to have a think about it all. His divorce is still going through so things like custody etc are still being discussed.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who is knowingly condoning neglect from his ex? You are right that their parenting is none of your business except in this case you know the child is being neglected. A 6 year old should not be left alone all day to amuse themselves unsupervised and particularly not when he should be being schooled. It is this that is causing the difficulties with socialisation. In your shoes I would be ending the relationship and calling SS. Ypu are complicit in the neglect of you do nothing. Sorry to be harsh.

I was a HEer myself, so I understand the importance of socialisation etc. When we were just work colleagues, before our spouses had affairs, I was under the impression his wife did all the HE stuff and thought no more of it. My STBXH was a SAHD and he did all the HE trips and groups etc. So I just presumed they had a similar set-up.

Now my ex has left, I still have to work, so my children are having to go to school. I do get it. It is just a big step to call SS on your boyfriend and his family. I am not some evil witch, I am just shocked and overwhelmed by the situation I am in. Which is why I am asking for advice and seriously taking it all on board.

A normal state school would probably be the best option as long as they are warned that, at least for now, he has special needs. They have a legal obligation to meet his needs unlike a private school who can tell his dad to do one if the child won't behave.

He NEEDS to be thrown in with normal children. And he's NOT going to like it, he's going to tantrum for the next year because he's going to have to go through the terrible twos.

I don't think you're an evil witch, you sound rather shellshocked to me.

This is NOT home schooling.

Can we please stop calling it that?

This is child neglect x1000

Neither parent is taking responsibility for this poor boy

Let me guess - the "custody" battle will involve them both saying they don't want him

Atrocious behaviour by both

Please please OP. Surely you can see that?

If you were a HEer then you will know the set up better than many - but isn't there some sort of checking up process on HE kids? Is there not someone in the local education dept you could speak to if you do it want to speak to SS?

And sorry to keep not answering the 2am question - I do not know how or why his sleeping pattern got so strange. I think it was maybe because his mum works nights and he is a night owl and the two combined achieved the weird sleep pattern. My BF does spend his evenings doing some stuff with his son, he can read, write and his comprehension of numbers is incredible. They play lego and do drawings etc - but hard to social with other kids at this time of night. I think his Dad feels he does the best he can given the circumstances he has been dealt. But, I think you are all right and their current situation isn't tenable, but I find it hard to find the boundary between giving helpful advice and overstepping the mark.

SS have no remit over education. That comes down to the LEA. They have very little powers to be honest, our council it also a very hands off one. We have home schooled since day dot and we have never had a visit or letter. I don't think they even know we exist.

@iMatter I said many posts ago that I know the vast majority of HEers do not go about it in this way. Most HEers I know are very involved with their children and the wilder community. They may be part of home ed co-ops and attend groups and clubs. This is the main reason I left HE out of my OP as didn't want to derail the thread with a HE debate.

How is this little boy being HE?

My friend is a nurse and works nights but still gets her DC to school and home again each day,

While DC are at school she sleeps

Also @iMatter, my bf would want 100% custody if it comes down to it. He would rather 5/50 and the boys mum engaged, as every child needs their mum - but she doesn't seem to care about him at the moment, it is all about her new bf.

@SubtitlesOn I think previous posts have answered that very little education, especially from a socialisation aspect is occurring and this is a big concern.

Not wanting to make this al about me, as I know that this is really about a poor little 6 year old who is being let-down.

But I had just come out of a 7 year emotionally and physically abusive marriage where my husband had cheated on me after tormenting me for years and years. When I met new BF he was so lovely and kind. I was not expecting all off this, it is has only come to light bit, by bit. I didn't know all of this and then decide to date him. New bits of information come to light every day. If I had known the full story and set-up I doubt I would have got involved. I am shocked the further down the rabbit hole I go.

I do appreciate all the advice, even the ones that are hard to hear(read).

But it's not HE.

Please stop saying he is being home educated.

He isn't.

It's an excuse not to send that boy to school and have to be accountable for their actions as parents

And these are the kind of situations that give HE a bad name

I meant 50/50 not 5/50... the keyboard on my laptop is going

It was a rhetorical question

Stop blaming the mother - your BF is equally culpable for this situation. And I would run a mile before I would let someone with such fucked up ideas about child welfare near my kids.

Have you asked your BF why he's ok leaving his son with a woman who neglects his needs?

His answer will tell you a lot about him. "I didn't realise she was doing it and I don't know how to deal with it" ok. "It's fine, he likes it" NOt ok.

I think they genuinely had all good intentions to HE initially, but it all just didn't work out. I agree to call what he is receiving now as HE is a disservice to HEers who really are dedicated to it. I am not meaning to offend by using wrong terminologies, just trying to explain a complex situation as easy as possible.