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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 07/05/2018 18:34

The lads parents are failing him big time. He is not socialised and has no idea how to play with others. It sounds like he is being neglected educationally. I would probably step away if I was you. You will never agree in anything to do with your DC should you ever move in together

Mintychoc1 · 07/05/2018 18:35

Jesus this child is being neglected , this is awful. How he gets on your child is the east of your worries. This is such a dysfunctional situation, it’s hard to know where to start. Social services definitely. How can you sit back and watch, knowing that a young child is being brought up in this way?

OrangeCarpet · 07/05/2018 18:37

Dump him. He’s a crap father. He won’t be a good step father. Put your energy into your own children. There are many other better men out there. You don’t have to settle for him.

Mintychoc1 · 07/05/2018 18:37

I would also find it hard to be friends with someone who was complicit in such a toxic set up.
And no wonder if behaves badly on play dates. He has never learned how to socialise, and he’s probably exhausted from the ridiculous hours he keeps.
Does your boyfriend stay up till 2am with him?

PrettyLovely · 07/05/2018 18:37

You are taking it slow I cant see you are doing anything wrong.
Firstly its up to your partner to sort out his son as you know, I would just talk to him and explain how its upsetting your child and that if he cant sort out his childs behaviour you cant see a future, I think to make a blended family work you have to be brutally honest about your feelings on things after all you have your own kids to worry about.
His childs behaviour can be worked on and sorted out if hes willing to try, Regardless what has happened in this childs life he needs boundries set on behaviour of what is expected of him to be polite and kind to others. As you are only having play dates and not moved in with each other its not much to expect a 7year old to behave themselves and be nice.

Otherwise if he cant solve the issues move on.
Good luck 😊

Devilishpyjamas · 07/05/2018 18:38

OP not borderline - neglect. Straightforward neglect.

And yes I would report to safeguarding. It’s not something you get to make a call on when it’s this clear cut. You can’t sit by and ignore this.

Gacapa · 07/05/2018 18:38

Jesus Christ, that poor child.

How can you even be in the same room as this man?

crazycatgal · 07/05/2018 18:39

I wouldn't go near a man who could neglect a child in this way. No wonder his son is angry and doesn't know how to interact with other children.

Report to SS.

llangennith · 07/05/2018 18:40

The boy is NOT being educated at home, it’s all part of him being grossly neglected.
Contact SS with everything you know.
(My DD home eds her DC so I’m not anti HE.)

Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 18:41

I agree Nanny on first reading I thought perhaps the child was HE because he was SEN. But how can a child deprived of interaction and boundaries know how to behave.

OP this boys wellbeing is far more important than your relationship.

blueskyinmarch · 07/05/2018 18:41

What dos your bf think of your decision to send your child to school?

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/05/2018 18:46

Wtf am I reading? Why would you want to bring your children into a relationship with a man who is complicit in the total neglect of his own child’s social and emotional welfare??

fuzzyfozzy · 07/05/2018 18:47

I would judge about their parenting, it's not just mum's parenting the dad is accepting this.
I'd have a frank discussion with dad re how you see the future, re your ch are social and go to school, see the value of learning.
And his ch seems to play video games on his own and goes to bed when he feels like it.
I'd see dad's views on this as an indicator of your future.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2018 18:48

Think where you go from here is to back chain.

Why do they HE and why doesn't he socialise? I wonder if the fact you met before as play dates to help him socialise means this is a far wider problem than your 3yo.

Tantrums (or rather sound like meltdowns for that length of time) are a loss of control usually. A frustration that's over spilled and I am assuming (rightly or wrongly) this happened way before hence the reason they don't send him to school?

Many He, and it's a very valuable education choice, but its usually because they feel they can provide more than a school. Sending him to nans and not mixing with other children doesn't sound like HE / it sounds like avoidance of something.

I guess you'll know if there's a future in this relationship based on whether you can have this conversation openly and honestly with him.

PutTheChocEggDown · 07/05/2018 18:48

You know I am generally a very nice poster but this thread is giving me the rage. Report this situation to social services so this child's needs can be met. I wouldn't be fucking any man who allows this set up for his own son. You should report and then tell this man in no uncertain terms to get his shit together or you're off.

I actually hope you're a bridge-dweller rather than someone who stands by and watches the neglect of a child because that's what this is and by doing nothing you are complicit in it.

FowlisWester · 07/05/2018 18:48

Nah. Surely people can't live like this.
If it's true then how bloody low are your standards. God if I met a man who treated a dog or a cat like that I would run a mile nevermind an actual human child.
Report and keep reporting until something is done.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2018 18:49

Mum sleeps til 4 with a handover to Dad around 5 and she's (supposedly) the main HE educator? With that schedule, exactly when is this child being educated?

Frankly, I'd call it a day on the relationship and call SS. IF this whole thing is true, that child is heading for real problems down the line and TBH I'd want me and mine to be well out of the way when it starts happening.

HappyFeet1212 · 07/05/2018 18:52

This is the saddest thing I've read in a really long time.

The boy is being neglected, you have to phone SS or you will be complicit in his neglect if you don't.

I would run a mile from your new BF, his mum & the whole sorry set up.

Bear in mind that the truth will come out in the end, how will those in your community feel that you knew all about this & did nothing?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/05/2018 18:54

So what future is this child meant to have with two abusive arseholes for parents?

If I was you, I'd have slapped some sense into this "Father" by now.

What will it be like if you lived together, confusing as shit for all the kids.

3 adults around him and none of them actually seem to give a shit about him.

Qwertytypewriter · 07/05/2018 18:58

OP I think if you'd started by saying you were thinking of reporting them to social services, people would have liked in to say it was none of your business, and it's not for you to judge - you probably can't win on Mumsnet!
I'd just add that tantrums at 6.5 are not so unusual - I know several boys of 8 whose parents constantly try to avoid them having a meltdown, none of them have been diagnosed as having any specific problem, and they're otherwise happy and sociable. I'm not sure why it's becoming more common, but it seems to be.

GnotherGnu · 07/05/2018 18:59

Can you explain the attraction of a man who is prepared to allow his son to be put at risk like this?

Qwertytypewriter · 07/05/2018 19:00

So what future is this child meant to have with two abusive arseholes for parents?

If I was you, I'd have slapped some sense into this "Father" by now.

And then you'd be abusive too, wouldn't you Hmm?

Allthewaves · 07/05/2018 19:00

I'd be backing away from the relationship. I'd be explaining to bf that you can't be part of his set up and explain that he and childs mum are not putting their son first and it's almost neglectful. You don't see how it will work blending your families in the future.

You don't have to be involved but you are allowed an opionion and you don't have to be part of this.

Flisspaps · 07/05/2018 19:01

@CaledonianQueen I don't think he had ASD. I think he's a neglected little boy who isn't being given the opportunity to socialise.

That's coming from someone with an ASD diagnosis.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 07/05/2018 19:03

That’s not home-edding; that’s neglect.

The whole situation sounds fucked up. Why is your partner happy for his ds to spend the whole day alone???

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