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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Kardashianlove · 07/05/2018 18:13

Does your boyfriend think this is an acceptable way to bring up a child? Is is actively trying to work out ways to actually HE him (take him to groups,etc-possibly looking for a different shift/different jobs) or is he just passively accepting that his ex should be doing this and isn’t?

What does your boyfriend say about his DS behaviour?

I’m not sure I would want to be in a relationship with someone who had such massively different parenting values and I don’t know how sustainable this would be long term.

Avasarala · 07/05/2018 18:13

GET INVOLVED.

If a stranger new about all this, they'd report it... And keep reporting it. This is nothing to do with being a new partner, or overstepping with your involvement with a partners children.

This is a child being neglected. And this neglect will have lifelong negative affects. If they put him into a school tomorrow with his age group, he wouldn't be able to do the work. He isn't getting proper sleep. He isn't being fed properly if there's no one there during the day.

This is about the safety and wellbeing of a child. Not about protecting your relationship or staying within relationship boundaries.

Report them. Then report them again. Do no stand by and watch this child have his chances at a good, fulfilling life destroyed by his idiotic and selfish parents.

ClownPockets · 07/05/2018 18:14

Can't understand any parent who thunk they are treating a 6 year old properly by allowing his life to be so disordered and bizarre. Not sure how they expect him to deal with everyday life if this continues to be the set up. Sorry but I'd cut and run if I were in your shoes

WingerGitch · 07/05/2018 18:15

His sleeping pattern sounds messed up...are you sure he's not acting out due to plain ol tiredness?!

HollowTalk · 07/05/2018 18:16

I couldn't respect a man who treated his son like that, to be honest. I would steer clear of him.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2018 18:16

Im afraid its not borderline abusive it is abusive at best its neglect.

He is acting out terribly because of it

pigpoglet · 07/05/2018 18:16

If he is home ed and doesn't have friends then he isn't going to understand anything socially . Poor kid ,why do parents think that's a good idea??!!

Oblomov18 · 07/05/2018 18:19

A 6.5 year old tantrumming because a 5 year old, (or 3 year old for that matter), can't press the Nintendo buttons quick enough?

I don't think that's ok, or normal.

ClownPockets · 07/05/2018 18:19

Thunk?! Cheers autocorrect..

CaledonianQueen · 07/05/2018 18:20

Gosh things moved fast whilst I was writing my last post! That poor little boy! What on earth are they playing at?! If all of the above is true (not an exaggeration by your bf op) then someone needs to get him support! You can report anonymously through nspcc as has been mentioned above.

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 18:21

The behaviour your are seeing is that of a severely neglected child who spends most of his time along fending for himself and is then suddenly asked to play with two other children. He has no idea how to as he’s been neglected and will be developmently delayed

TheOneWith · 07/05/2018 18:21

The time of your posts implies that the problem lies with the mother, however your bf is letting a 6 year old stay up every night until 2am Shock then happily dropping him off, still asleep, to be neglected for the day until after 5pm.

What an utterly shit excuse for a father he is. Why would you even want this turd anywhere near your own children?

viques · 07/05/2018 18:21

Just read your update. Run do not walk to the nearest exit. You are having problems with this poor child now, while he is six. Imagine what he is going to be like in 6 years time if his parents don't get their act together and understand what parenting actually means. Do you want to be around to find out what he will be like? Nothing against the poor child, but the situation he is in at the moment means he doesn't stand a chance of an anywhere normal understanding of family life.

Do you really want your kids to be a part of this child's dysfunctional anti social upbringing? Do you want this lax parent step parenting your children?

helacells · 07/05/2018 18:22

Call social services, what they are doing is illegal- he is not in school and he's not being Home educated. How can you be attracted to a man who allows his child to be neglected like that?

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 18:22

OP you say you have 2 children so must come into contact lots of other parents, you know perfectly well that this child's life is way outside normality or any decent standard of care.

Because you know about this neglect it's your duty to get some help for him.

PsychedelicSheep · 07/05/2018 18:25

Honestly that is more than bizarre that is totally inappropriate and I’m sure children’s services would have something to say about it 😕

I know it’s not your place to get involved but honestly it sounds as though he’s totally neglected poor little boy

Monr0e · 07/05/2018 18:25

You say his DM is already known to social services which means your boyfriend is aware the situation is abusive and neglectful but is happy to condone and support it because it suits him.

What on earth can you find attractive about a man like that? And why would you introduce someone who was so quick to neglect their own child to your DC'S?

He could get his son in school, get wrap around childcare and arrange suitable contact with the child's DM, but he chooses not to.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/05/2018 18:25

This isn’t borderline anything, it is clear neglect. Why does he go to bed at 2am for starters, and then moved houses while still asleep? That is really bizarre. The drugs, sleeping all day while he is alone, God I’m amazed that the worst of his behaviour is tantrums, he is being completely failed. Why have a child and then neglect him like this ? This is absolutely child cruelty op. Poor, poor unhappy little boy. He is six ! He would be having lovely times with other children and people who love him. This makes tragic reading, how can you not have thought this was cruelty ?

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 18:28

OP you are obviously aware of the neglect and thus have a duty to protect that child from future neglect. You are an adult and he is six. He will already suffer long term consequences however with help the damage might limited

Avasarala · 07/05/2018 18:29

"They don't like the school system".

Do they really think they're doing better? They're fucking idiots, and I can't imagine any intelligent, sensible, caring parent would happily stay in a relationship with one of them. And just sit back and watch that poor little boy be destroyed by them.

I really hope you take action. That poor child has no one caring for him. His whole life will be determined by what you could do for him because no one else will. But you don't sound that mature tbh, so I'm guessing that child will be left to ruin.

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 18:29

I'm hoping Romeobunny was right

OzziePopPop · 07/05/2018 18:31

No borederline about it, sorry. Would you find it ok for your child?

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2018 18:31

Sometimes you have to judge people's parenting!

When their parenting will directly affect your life, your children's lives and any respect you have for this man, you absolutely have to judge. Not to mention the life of this poor little boy.

Why hasn't he gone for full time residency?

Curtainshopping · 07/05/2018 18:32

Why does your bf let his son stay up until 2am?!

He is an awful parent who is failing his child and you need to think about whether you can have a future with someone such as this, especially with your own kids to consider.

Nanny0gg · 07/05/2018 18:33

Oh, and it didn't take too long for someone to decide he's 'on the spectrum'

He's not been socialised! How would any child kept from other children know how to act?

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