Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

[SWMWAFC]

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

I suspect 'we don't approve of schools' was actually code for 'we are going to parent in a half-assed way and probably won't be out of bed to get child to school on time anyway, plus it would mean we'd have to read with him, supervise homework and actually put our lives on hold to raise this child.'

Was this child an accident, by any chance? Do either of them have a clue HOW to parent? Because surely your BF MUST know that what he and his XW are doing, isn't how you bring up a child? Surely? Please?

He’s not being homeschooled, he’s being neglected by both of his parents and I’d have nothing to do with that man. Ditch the idiot and keep reporting until something gets done.

Crikey. Does he take any advice from you? Unless he does and makes steps to change things, you will never blend your family.

I also agree with the consensus about neglect. I couldn’t be with someone, who treated his own child like this.

The drugs and leaving him alone sound serious issues. The sleep thing may or may not be. Presumably your BF is doing the majority of HE between 5pm
and 2am when he goes to bed? I know lots of parents whose children go to bed at 11pm and wake at 11am as this fits better with their families’ schedule. I would say it’s quite extreme but I’m not sure it’s inherently neglectful to wake and sleep at student timings... could the reason he is being off the wall with your kids be because he is exhausted as not normally awake? You talk about parks and zoos which sound like day time persuits?

I am in way over my head here I think

You’re a responsible adult, this is a real life situation, deal with it.

Don’t date a man with such dire parenting skills, and make sure you alert SS before you leave. That is your responsibility.

God. Poor kid. Surely your DP could sort his sleeping pattern, get him into school and after school club, and his mum could see him on her days off? There's no way your DP can't see that'd be better for the kid than his current situation, no matter how much he hates the school system

Firstly I'd stop putting my adult wishes for a relationship above all and I would dump him and get my own children away from this completely screwed up situation.

Secondly I would contact SS. Another concern might get them moving again.

Even though the mother is known to SS, you would be doing this child an injustice by not reporting her again. Even if nothing gets done again, at least you will have a clear conscience that you tried. I'm sorry, but if you stand by and let this child continue to be abused by both parents, then you are an awful human being. Report her, tell him exactly why you're having doubts, and if he doesn't buck his ideas up and put his child first, then you can't stick around to watch.

I’m just adding a voice to the chamber but that child is being neglected and failed by his parents.

How you can be in a relationship with a man who thinks it’s acceptable to treat his child like that?

I feel so sad for that poor neglected child - his parents don’t deserve him.

No-one can tell from a forum whether this boy is ASD or not.

His behaviour is quite likely to be stemming purely from the neglect and chaotic lifestyle.

On the other hand it may be that he didn’t fit in at school due to developmental issues and the parents opted out of school rather than explore his problems.

Either way their choices are disastrous.

This doesn't make any sense. If the child were with Dad for nights, into school and then home to mum after school, he would see her just as much and she would still be able to sleep in the day.

So what are the real reasons for HE?

Well, I obviously wasn't 100% aware of their whole family set-up and dynamics when we first got together. Initially we would only meet just the two of us for ages, so I had little understanding of the finer details of their parenting. Also as we both have our kids 12/14 nights, our initial dates were few and far between.

He is a kind, compassionate and caring man and it upsets him that his mother has disengaged with their son and that his son is struggling to socialise with other kids. He does want to do more, but it is hard when he works 9-5, and just putting his son into a state school with 30 other kids when he is like this right now doesn't sound like it would be good for him. I think he is in way over his head and doesn't know a way out, he knows this isn't ideal, but things were different before his wife had an affair and left him. She took him to HE stuff and they all had more of a stable routine.

When we got together, it was all chaotic as they were all adjusting to their new life's, and my bf ex introduced her new partner straight away so the son had that to deal with too, so I didn't judge that as their norm, just as a transitional phase until their worked out their new life's and how it would all work. But now time has moved on and I am learning more and more about what is going on, and I have always spoken up and told him when things are not right, but no, I haven't contacted SS. I guess it is only when you see it all written down and it isn't just drip fed to you over the months do you see how bad it is.

I has made me question our relationship, I am sad and upset too, and I feel for that little boy. He has had a lot of upheaval and he is clearly not coping right now. He is a good kid that is dealing with a lot of big feelings.

Here we go, you're in love, so excuse his actions as a rubbish parent because it's not his fault, poor man. There are 1000s, maybe millions of single parents who work 9 to 5 and manage to make sure their kids are safe and getting an education. Your boyfriend is playing the 'it's nothing to do with me, it's the mum's card'. That's pathetic. He is as much a parent, and therefore responsible for that child than his mother.

Why are you going along and excusing his pathetic behaviour towards his son? If he was such a wonderful man, he would have gone to court, got custody, put his kid in school, and sort out childcare before/after, whilst his mum can have him on her days off from work. He isn't doing this though, he is happy to let his child be neglected because... because what? Because he's the dad and therefore it's his mum who should ensure the child is getting an education?

I think he is in way over his head and doesn't know a way out

This is the second time you’ve used this phrase. He’s the boy’s father he needs to sort this out. He can’t just bury his head in the sand and claim it’s beyond his capacity.

He needs to put his foot down and say if the mother can’t provide a healthy normal lifestyle then he will have to have FT residency and find a job compatible with that.

The boy’s behaviour needs medical assessment, he may just be neglected and traumatised. He needs to catch up on all the education he’s missed before he goes into mainstream schooling.

OP, others have asked but you haven't answered I don't think - why is this lad up until 2am most nights?

This kid doesn't have a chance of knowing how to interact with your child. Most of his waking hours are spent alone and unsupervised. he would be better off at school even if he learned nothing academic there, because at least he would be supervised. And FED - who's feeding him in the day?

His behaviour doesn't sound autistic but it's impossible to tell whether or not he has autism because nobody has actually bothered trying to teach him appropriate behaviour yet, so nobody knows whether or not he's able to learn it.

I'm not fast to cry neglect - my own kids get ignored a fair bit - but this is neglect. And your boyfriend is aware of it too. Imagine your own 6 year old, left all day, every day, alone, with nobody to talk to? With a bedtime of 2am and a rising time of who-gives-a-fuck?

So what are you going to do?

You've obviously been in denial about this, tried to ignore it because "he's a nice man" or whatever other pathetic excuse you've been giving yourself.

He isn't good. His child is being neglected, left uneducated, left to fend for himself. And now you know. So what are you going to do?

How parent are neglecting him - they won't raise the alarm and they won't change so please don't let yourself off the hook by saying "he will sort it out". He won't.

The child doesn't go to school or nursery so there are no other adults to protect him. You are it. So what are you going to do?

He does want to do more, but it is hard when he works 9-5

Is he actively looking to change shifts/jobs?

Is he involved in the HE community? Is he trying to arrange things outside these times?
There are often HE groups/meet ups (obviously area dependant) in the evening/weekends or he could set something up or arrange play dates with other HE families outside his work hours.

Or take his son to afterschool activities - Judo, Gynmastics, Football, Cubs, etc (lots of HE children attend afteeschool activities along side school educated children).

Poor boy.

I wouldn't want a man who was actively doing this near my kids.

The not knowing what to do sounds like a weak excuse. Kids at school often do activities in the evenings and weekends and families often hang out with other families if money is the issue.

How is he doing academically? I'm hoping that your partner at least spends time on that when he's not at work.

I understand your point that you're not in a position to actively do anything about the shambolic parenting apart from shielding your kids from it and reporting the details to SS.
When my kids were 6.5 years old, I might have had a cheeky hour in bed while they watched TV but it's tragic that this is how most of his day goes.

Si he is 8 and having tantrums??? Run away. If they have not sorted that basic behaviour by this age, wait for the hell teenage will be. It won’t get better, don’t waste your time with this man.

It is rarely the fault of the kid though. I expect your partner turns himself around to do what the kid wants. If so... just wait and watch, it won’t be long before he is expecting you and your kids to walk on eggshells all the time to avoid upsetting his little prince.

Little princes aren't neglected, and that's a spiteful tone there

OP, you are dating a man who is neglecting his child.

Please say that out loud to yourself again: you are dating a man who is neglecting his child.

He and his ex are equally responsible for this neglect. He is complicit in the neglect and failure to educate his child.

Why on earth are you dating a man who neglects his child in this manner?

Please contact social services and tell them everything! That poor boy.

Reading posts like this is the reason I believe HE should be monitored.
There are some people who he brilliantly but it also covers neglect.

What is he doing till 2am with child ? He has time to educate, could take him to groups however he doesn’t either so no wonder child can’t cope .

From your point of view I would never ever want my child blended into a family like this .

The fact decision was made before he was born suggests it is nothing to do with his behavioural problems more an absence of parenting

Im so sad reading this. You sound so un-shocked by it all.
You find this guy attractive? On what basis? Where are his values? How can you consider having him in a possible role model position with respect to your children?
How can you not do something about the child neglect?
Every minute of his time he invests in building a relationship with you is a minute of time he could have invested in his son.

I really need to know what is so bad about the school system that these people think it’s preferable for their child to be raised by a games console.

Fyi op many lone parents such as myself manage to sort education and constant adult supervision for their children, even with a 9-5 job