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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Littlefish · 07/05/2018 18:01

The adults in this child's life are making decisions that suit them! Are you seriously telling me that the mother is asleep all day, with her child just playing video games? I would consider that a safeguarding issue and would speak to the NSPCC about it.

It is completely inadequate supervision. She is also not meeting his educational needs.

Your dp is neglectful if he is knowingly allowing this to happen.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 18:01

Oh and to ask another question, we do play dates at the zoo, park, soft play etc... these all end in a similar manner, which is why we thought maybe a play date on his 'territory' would help. I think I have answered all the questions, thanks for all your responses. You have given me loads to think about.

OP posts:
WoodenCat · 07/05/2018 18:02

Ok this is effectively neglect. He’s not being educated at all is he? He plays computer games or watches tv by himself while his mum sleeps. He goes to bed at 2am. He sees no other children. He sees his mum for somewhere between 15 mins and 75 mins a day.

Why on earth isn’t he in school? That would solve quite a bit of the problem.

This isn’t a relationship problem it’s a massive parenting fail.

RomeoBunny · 07/05/2018 18:02

He's not just HE, OP he's totally bloody isolated if he isnt out every other day with kids and meeting people. It's also lazy fucking parenting from his father.

At his age it also sounds like he's missed a lot of development milestones to be reacting like that.

Likejellytots88 · 07/05/2018 18:02

I have a DS with my DP and hes nearly 3, DP has older kids from a previous who are 14 and 10 - big age gap. Sometimes they hate that my DS doesn't understand how to play with their things properly and we've had some tantrums over split milk but it does get better (in my experience) they learn as they grow that the younger one cannot grasp certain things and so instead play/do something that my DS can join in with. The 10yo is still learning this and often goes to his room to be on his tablet or whatever so DS doesn't bother him but that fine because he knows when he's downstairs and DS wants to play with him he will and he loves it - as long as its my DS toys not his! It can be difficult but you both just need to keep telling him that not every child is on the same wave length as him - so to speak - and he'll eventually accept this

RomeoBunny · 07/05/2018 18:03

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Ruffian · 07/05/2018 18:03

A child of 6.5 who doesn't get any schooling or socialise with other dc, stays up til 2am then sleeps for 12 hours and is moved from one house to another while he's asleep on a regular basis. That sounds like a case for social services to me, it's neglect.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 18:04

@Littlefish I complete agree, and I have said that if SS heard this it would be an issue. She also leaves him to go shopping when she has him for 'her weekend'. And she smokes pot in the room he sleeps in. But it is hard for me to know how involved to get. I have told him my opinion on these matters though. The mother has already been reported to SS but nothing came of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 18:05

@RomeoBunny it isn't bollocks, this is my life thank you. And I explained why I didn't mention HE, I didn't want it to turn into an HE/School argument as I am well away this is not how the vast majority of HEers educate their children.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 18:05

So the child spends all day alone, left to his own devices? What does his dad do with him on an evening keeping him up until 2am? No wonder he struggles to socialise, there is no schooling or interaction there at all.

It may not be your place but I would struggle to maintain a relationship with a man who has such a different approach to bringing up a child as I believe it’s an important value to have in common. He may not like the school system but his alternative is not a good alternative and blending the family would seem impossible.

How does your bf’s son get on with your older child?

LunaTrap · 07/05/2018 18:06

Both parents sound like they are massively letting their child down (I say this as a home educator myself so no axe to grind). I would be walking away tbh, I'd have no respect for someone who was such a neglectful parent. Poor kid.

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 18:06

You outline a situation of serious neglect and write an OP worrying why the neglected child doesn't play well with your 3 year-old. Wtf?

Avasarala · 07/05/2018 18:07

Never mind your relationship .... That poor child. He is going to fail in life with parents like that and a childhood like that. No education. No socialising. He's going to be a delinquent.
They're not home educating. They are just letting their child skin around unsupervised with his face stuck in a TV or tablet screen. Does he also have to feed himself while she sleeps?

What on earth are you doing just sitting by watching a child be neglected? My first call tomorrow morning would be to child welfare

iMatter · 07/05/2018 18:07

Having read your updates I'd run a fucking mile from this man.

He and his ex are totally failing this child and I would absolutely not want him being in a step father role to my children.

What a fucking mess.

That poor child.

Pandora1box · 07/05/2018 18:07

Blimey OP! I'd be phoning social services and running from this situation as fast as my little legs would carry me!

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 18:07

I agree with all of you on the topic of his socialisation and standard of HEing, but, as we often see on Mumsnets, new partners are often told to butt out and this is all new to me. I dunno how involved I should or shouldn't be.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 18:08

Oh just read your latest update, if this is your life you need to report to SS and report again and question why would you even consider being in a relationship with this man?

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 18:09

This is how involved you should be: you should be reporting to SS until they take action.

iMatter · 07/05/2018 18:09

How can you look him in the eye?

He's a lousy excuse for a parent.

And a total cunt.

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 18:11

You appear to want to blend your family with a man who knowingly neglects his own child of 6.5!!! Of what you say his true then I’d be reporting him to SS also.
You seem to say that your partner has a day job yet let’s the son stay up until 2am. He then drops him with his mother who does not supervise him at all never mind educate him. He then collects him again. The child will end up totally dysfunctional and illiterate. The child would be better in foster care

OzziePopPop · 07/05/2018 18:11

He isn’t being home educated? He’s being ignored!

Get the poor kid into school, that’s his biggest issue, isolation!

cordelia16 · 07/05/2018 18:12

I feel so incredibly sorry for this child. What a crap life he has. Getting along with a 3yo as part of an attempted blended family is the least of his issues. The boy gets no mental stimulation or social interaction, and he is likely seriously sleep deprived. Horrible. This family should be reported for neglect.

CaledonianQueen · 07/05/2018 18:12

It sounds like your bf’s son may be on the spectrum, I suspect that your bf and his ex suspect this and feel he would not cope socially with in a mainstream setting. If this little boy is struggling so badly just in short meet ups with your dc, then they may feel reluctant to take him to home ed groups.

This poor little boy has been through so much recently and if he is on the spectrum, then he will find change horrendously difficult! He is only seeing his Mother 2 days out of 14, which is absolutely awful, especially if she was previously main carer or at least there every day!

Does he have a calming/ quiet sensory area that he can retreat to if it all gets too much?

I would suggest that you pull back from ‘visits’ for a while yet, then introduce them again slowly, in a familiar setting, perhaps find out what your bf’s ds is into and encourage your eldest and your db’s ds to chat about that. If it is Lego, maybe look at buying the two eldest a small set each that they can build alongside each other. Pre warn your ds that your db’s ds might struggle with too much noise/ brightness/ change and that new situations are hard for him. Children are amazingly empathic when you explain things properly to them!

Ask your bf if he has any books on autism that he recommends you read. Although I would maybe gently question whether he has considered asking for a referral to children and families mental health. Or if his dc has any diagnosed conditions.

OzziePopPop · 07/05/2018 18:12

Well apart from his parents that is...

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 18:12

I think it is really easy for people on the outside to say they would call social services, I already know the mum is known to social services. I am a good person, I was only asking for advice, I am in way over my head here I think. I just wouldn't want to judge someone else's parenting, but it seems that the general consensus is that this is borderline abusing parenting. I knew it wasn't ideal, but I didn't want to be 'that ne gf' that tried to take over and butt in. I am grateful for your honest words.

OP posts: