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should I shave?
632

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

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SmileEachDay · 07/05/2018 14:38

You are free to not shave, shave a picture of a unicorn or French plait your own hair.

It is nobody’s business but yours.

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ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 07/05/2018 14:41

I see this two ways. When he fell in love with you, you looked different. That was his taste. Now you have changed I think it’s totally fair that he asks the questions and maybe perhaps he doesn’t like it.

Truthfully, if he started shaving his legs, or grew a beard, or shaved his head or started wearing camouflage tshirts everyday would you truthfully never mention it?

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TheStoic · 07/05/2018 14:42

You KNOW that you can manage your own body hair however you want.

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Candlelights · 07/05/2018 14:44

You're within your rights to do as you please.

But personally, I'd take into account what my partner likes when making decisions. Ie don't do something you hate just because he would like it, but if it's just a "can't be arsed" thing, it might help your relationship to make an effort sometimes.

If DH doesn't shave and turns up on a night out looking like a tramp I do ask him to make an effort, and do the same for him.

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BreconBeBuggered · 07/05/2018 14:45

Don't see how hair can be dirty or unhygienic unless you use it to scrub the toilet.

It's your body. Do what you like with it. Please your DH if you feel like it, from time to time, but for the love of God don't make yourself put his requirements in this department ahead of your own.

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TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:51

I feel it is nobody's business but mine. His argument is that while that's technically true, if you love someone why wouldn't you want to be attractive to them?
I dont know why, but it's this hair thing particularly that makes me feel uncomfortable. If he said there was an outfit he thinks I look good in, I am happy to wear it when we go out. If he gently said to me that I could stand to lose a few pounds (not true atm), I think I could handle it. I take your point, ItsLikeRain but I haven't gone from being always-shaved to never-shaved. I suppose for 12 years he got used to me having smooth legs for 5-10 days a month, now it's only half a dozen times a year. But if he could handle all the hairy times then, why not now? And if he got with me, and married me, with a full minge of hair, then why keep bringing up that he prefers shaved once I've said, more than once, that I dont like shaving it so won't be?
He has a stubbly little beard. I prefer him clean shaven. He cba to shave daily but does a few times a year. If he does I do comment how nice it looks, but I dont randomly comment at other times 'how hairy is your face?!'

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RoseWhiteTips · 07/05/2018 14:51

You should shave. I would. I remove hair both because that it what I have always done and because my husband likes that.

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RoseWhiteTips · 07/05/2018 14:54

...that is

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Bluntness100 · 07/05/2018 14:58

I also see two sides to this.

On one side, clearly you should only do what you feel comfortable with and if you prefer to be hairy then you should be.

However, many men do not find it attractive, and your husband appears to be one of these men. He should not lie to you or hide that from you. Which is I guess is what you're suggesting. He should accept it and just shut the fuck up.

So he will need to accept you as you are and you will need to accept he doesn't find this attractive about you and that it bothers him.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 07/05/2018 15:01

His argument is that while that's technically true, if you love someone why wouldn't you want to be attractive to them? I was going to ask "what does he do to make himself attractive to you?" but I think you've answered it "I prefer him clean shaven. He cba to shave daily but does a few times a year."

You could ask him whether it's just women who have to make themselves attractive to the people they love, or whether his "cba" to make himself attractive to you means he doesn't love you. But maybe not. It won't further the discussion.

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BrightonCalling · 07/05/2018 15:01

Ill put it out there:
I shave my pits
Shave my legs
Keep vag very closely trimmed and occasionally take it all off

If I were single I would
Shave my pits because it literally takes me 10 seconds
Would not shave my legs unless wearing a dress
Would not even bother to keep vag trimmed

Make of that what you will!

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noeffingidea · 07/05/2018 15:04

It's up to you, OP. You are free to choose whether to shave or not, however you can't force your husband to find it attractive. How much does it matter to you?
I get the feeling you have some resentment towards your husband going back to when he refused sex when you became pregnant. Is this a way of getting back at him?

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Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 15:04

Each to their own but I shave legs, arm pits every time I shower or have a bath. I also keep things neat and tidy down below. It's mainly for me but I know it's what DH likes - I did this pre - children too so nothing has changed.

I also like DH to be clean shaven ( especially on a night out) and makes an effort to keep other areas in check - including nose hair, eye brows etc. Again , he did this before I met him and has kept it up.

Entirely up to you but if your grooming behaviour has changed significantly then I can see why he'd be upset enough to bring it up. We see posts on here all the time about men who no longer take care of themselves and they're greeted with either a chorus of LTB or he must be depressed

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LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 07/05/2018 15:04

I haven't shaved for years now.
When me and DP first got together I shaved everything.

I decided I'd had enough, and that I wanted to model to DS that a woman doesn't need to fit in with societal expectations to be "desirable", popular and happy.

I told DP and hehas fully supported me, is proud that I am confident and know my own mind enough to do it.

He's a fan of alternative, assertive women anyway, and finds non conformity attractive....so that helps a lot.

He's also able to see that what I choose to do with my body is literally none of his business, and gets that women have been policed for their appearance enough.

I extend the same courtesy to him btw.

Do whatever makes you happy.

Btw I don't hide it away either...will wear shorts and vests etc.

Be proud of your natural body....I'd say the same to anyone.

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BoobleMcB · 07/05/2018 15:04

Obviously you know you shouldn't shave if you don't want to but I also don't think he would BU by saying how feels. Especially as it is what you did pre-child. Shaving your bag is a different issue given it's not something that you did previously. Legs and armpits though, like a PP said, if it's more CBA than don't want to than maybe you could occaisionaly do more?

Maybe as a compromise can take DD off your hands so can have more than a quick solitary bath and a soak. That in itself would surely make you feel better and more relaxed in itself

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BoobleMcB · 07/05/2018 15:05

*vag not bag Blush

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TotHappy · 07/05/2018 15:05

Yes... I see what you mean. I suppose I dont feel I should need to be attractive at all times. If he's giving me a foot massage, I'm not setting out to attract him. I'm not trying to seduce him. He doesn't need to be evaluating my body sexually. I also don't like it being raised in arguments as if it's a weapon - that my lack of shaving is evidence f my disengagement from the relationship, when it really isn't.

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Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 15:09

It sounds like you are disengaging from the realtionship though - saying you aren't setting out to attract him or seduce him suggests you don't want him to find you attractive

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Polarbearflavour · 07/05/2018 15:09

DP would not dream of commenting on my body hair! When I attempted to shave my underarms when I had a broken elbow he said I didn’t need to do it for him. So I left it.

I shave my legs maybe once a fortnight, under arms once a week ish and down there pretty much never!

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Polarbearflavour · 07/05/2018 15:09

RoseWhiteTips - why on earth “should” OP shave because you do?!

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Poptart4 · 07/05/2018 15:11

I suppose its about making an effort even if it is just 5-10 days out of the month. It shows you still care about keeping the relationship alive.

My dp went through a period of not shaving and ended up looking like a homeless hobo. I wasn't happy and let him know it. He started putting more effort into grooming his facial hair after that. It wasn't just how he looked it was the feeling that he was letting himself go I didn't like. I felt like he was taking me and our relationship for granted. Just because your with someone X amount of years doesn't mean you stop putting in the effort.


It sounds like you've both let your relationship slide. Your husband is not interested in sex and you've let yourself go. Your both unhappy but are not listening to each other or taking each others complaints seriously. I would suggest some marriage counselling or your relationship could be in serious trouble op

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BewareOfDragons · 07/05/2018 15:11

I hate arm pit hair on anyone, men or women. I just find it fugly and unattractive.

If you don't want to shave, don't shave.
If you want to shave when you feel like it, shave when you feel like it.

Ask him how he'd feel if you started commenting on his underarm hair, unshaven face, or anything else he can control on his own body ... but isn't.

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Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 15:11

And I'm not saying you have to be attractive at all times but it seems like you don't want to be attractive to him at all.

And I'm not judging your choices - it's your body and entirely up to you but oyvdirs seem a little like you're doing to elicit this type of response from him

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EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 15:11

Of course it’s your body, you should have it as you please. Reading your post though, I’m not sure how much is ‘don’t want to’ and how much is ‘can’t be bothered anymore’. Would you be happy if your husband grew out a long, scraggly bread, or as he got older his nose/ear hair went wild? Whilst it’s definitely your body, he’s known you before you decided not to shave, and obviously has a preference. Up to you what you do with that.

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Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 15:12

*it does

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