should I shave?

[TotHappy]

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

[PerfectlyDone]

Fashion/aesthetics aside, why on earth would body hair on a women be more disgusting or smelly on unacceptable than on a man?

Nothing wrong with going with a trend, but to pretend that it is more than just a social construct is just daft.

OP, do whatever you want. The reason this is niggling you has nothing to do with hair, but a lot with your relationship which of course does too exist outside of society patriarchy and your DH is expecting certain things from you. You either conform, or you don't. Or you speak v honestly with him - some men get it, some don't.

[Blaablaablaa]

This is less about body hair and more about you not wanting your DH to find you sexually attractive

[ALongHardWinter]

Do you not get really sweaty armpits if you don't shave them?

[DwangelaForever]

For me personally if I don't manage to shave anywhere else I'll always shave my armpits, I just think deodorant goes on better with smooth pits!

As for your DH what a nob 🙄,

[PhilODox]

I would not be surprised if is eye is wandering. Of all of the men I've known who married their 1st girlfriends, not one has stayed faithful : they all seemed to have a mid life crisis and wonder what they were missing. Might sound silly, but I'd really start to make an effort

Wow, aimingfor9stone, is this really what you think? What you've been conditioned to believe?

Someone whose "eye is wandering" isn't worthy of my time and devotion to be quite frankly. I'm definitely worth more than doing the pick me dance.

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

The good news is after you're 50is the body hair thins,my legs never need doing and my pits about every 3weeks in summer only.Strangly I still have hairy toes.

[Aylarose]

Totally up to you! I mean if you tell your husband how to wear his facial hair then he might be ok for him to comment but only with regards to legs really.

I personally prefer my own legs and armpits shaven as I feel less sweaty and as though I'm more on top of my personal care- just as I prefer my hair to be washed every other day at the very least but me don't consider themselves deficient in personal care when they don't shave their legs and armpits so it's obviously just a social norm rather than necessary.

[Aylarose]

*men not me!

[Idontdowindows]

So first of all you reject his wishes and then you reject him? That, right there, is a relationship in trouble.

I'll be sure to tell my husband of 30+ years that we're in trouble for making decisions about our own bodies and accepting that of each other.

[TotHappy]

Pandoraphile I'm at your comments. You dont say that men should strive to be attractive to their partners? Why on earth is it a woman's job?

@Aimingfor9stone... I dont know where to start.
I wasn't sure if my husband going on about me not shaving was a feminist issue or if I was being over sensitive. But i am SURE that if I have to groom myself in a particular way/frequency in order to keep him, then I do not want him kept. If his eyes start straying because I am unshaven, then he's a bit shallow. And if he ACTS on that eye straying, then he's a fuckwit with no understanding of adult relationships.

I was 17 when we got together, he was 23. I wasn't his first girlfriend. But honestly.. If he started thinking he was 'missing out' on all the shaven women by being with me, he'd need to grow up.
I am good looking, I am slim, I brush my teeth and wash. I dont wear makeup, most days I dont 'put together outfits', I just wear clothes. And atm I dont shave. And I dont need to.

Actually I'm in the bath right now, and he's looking after dd. My intention was to shave legs and pits and maybe have a conversation later about him shaving his beard. But your comments have made me almost want to give up on that, in horror that he might see me doing so as proof that he was 'right' and I SHOULD shave.

[MillicentF]

Can someone link to the ancient Egyptian hair removal thing? And EdmundCleverClogs you were going to recommend a history book?

[Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit]

I couldn’t imagine not being hairfree on my legs, underarms and vag. Maybe your husband doesn’t fancy sex as he doesn’t find the lack of hygiene attractive.
How could you feel sexy when hairy? Iv had complete body laser hair removal but even prior to that I shaved daily and always had a Hollywood wax.

[TotHappy]

Blaablaablaa no. I do want him to find me sexually attractive. But you may be right that I never bothered to get back into grooming for his sake because I felt angry about him rejecting me sexually. I do feel a bit meh... Why should I make the effort when he has no interest anyway... It's not for e to do all the running.

[TotHappy]

@Ivegotasecret I just don't get that. It's not unhygienic. Obviously I wash it.

[Blaablaablaa]

It seems like the resentment is the issue here. I think a frank and honest discussion is needed.

[PhilODox]

Would you say that to a man, ivegotasecret? How can someone feel sexy when they're hairy? Um,.let's see... does how hairy I am ever cross my mind when turned on?
Nope

MillicentF Herodotus reported that Egyptian men sat down to wee and Egyptian women stood up...so can we really trust these historical records?

[slippynips]

Perhaps it’s not about doing things to attract your OH, but rather doing things to not put him off? I understand that you shouldn’t Have to do these things, and clearly you don’t feel you have to. But if your OH has on more than one occasion hinted that he finds it distinctly unattractive, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t do something about it. It seems the only real reason is because you can’t be bothered which is a dangerous path in a relationship.

For what it’s worth I shave my pits every time I shower (personally hate underarm hair and find it exacerbates body odour) and do my legs and fanny about once every 3 weeks or so. If I’ve got my legs out I’ll shave them, wouldn’t want to be seen in public with hairy legs.l but this is very rare (hence the pastyness of them!).

[MillicentF]

“Maybe your husband doesn’t fancy sex as he doesn’t find the lack of hygiene attractive”

What is that mumsne sentence...”Did you mean to be so rude?”

[SmileEachDay]

I couldn’t imagine not being hairfree on my legs, underarms and vag. Maybe your husband doesn’t fancy sex as he doesn’t find the lack of hygiene attractive.
How could you feel sexy when hairy? Iv had complete body laser hair removal but even prior to that I shaved daily and always had a Hollywood wax

Vaginas aren’t hairy
Hair isn’t unhygienic
You have critically evaluated all the influences and decided you need to remove hair to feel sexy; why be so disparaging towards other women and their choices?

HTH

[WomaninGreen]

OP there's no link between you not shaving and that other thread!

Pandora "And yes, I do think women should strive to sexually please their partners. If this involves the removal of some body hair, so be it."

Do you think the same for men btw?

[PhilODox]

TotHappy- lots of men go off the idea of sex with pregnant women, some are very scared of hurting the baby, for example. It is an unresolved issue for you both, and talking about it is the way forward.
You sound like you have your head screwed on properly though, so good luck

[Bluntness100]

But your comments have made me almost want to give up on that, in horror that he might see me doing so as proof that he was 'right' and I SHOULD shave

Op. This is your marriage, it's not a competition or some point scoring exercise. This is about attractiveness and intimacy between you and your husband. And being attractive to one another. If he had something going on you actively found very unattractive would he deal with it for you every now and again?

He's not said all thr time. He's not ever said he permanently groomed. But if you turn this into a battle field where you both strive to repulse each other as much as you can. Then your marriage is fucked.

[SmileEachDay]

Why would it feel gross on your period?

[LanaKanesTerfyVagina]

Bluntness yeah I am fucking angry.

I'm angry that women are held to higher standards than men.

I'm angry that women are described as "gross" for not shaving.

I'm angry that our society expects women to go through sometimes painful, often annoying and time consuming procedures so we remain acceptable to men.

I'm angry that something purely cosmetic is described as a hygiene issue forwomen, but no one thinks the same of men.

I really don't give a fuck....I believe my worth as a human being has no basis at all in my perceived attractiveness level.

I also shave my head now.

Ihave never felt more like myself, or more liberated from the constant grind to appear socially acceptable as a woman.