should I shave?

[TotHappy]

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

Repeat after me: “hey DH... GET FUCKED”

Out of interest, how often does your DH look after your daughter for a long stretch so you can have a leisurely bath by yourself?

I hate having hairy legs in public (that’s my hang up) but if my DH told me i should shave (and especially that he preferred the removal of pubic hair) my razors would be going in the bin permanently. I’m not causing myself ingrown hairs and severe itching (or the pain of waxing) for anyone.

"how long it would take" ... are you shaving with a spoon?

It takes 30 seconds and even then only every few days. Also legs take less than 2 minutes if you have a good razor.

Stop making excuses OP otherwise it sounds like your DH might make his. This is the equivalent of checking out of yourself, whether you think it is or not. Just like the other thread where the bloke stopped looking after himself. Regardless of whether you see it as that or not, your partner does.

And he doesn't need to be 'evaluating you sexually' but it might be nice if he could, hey? What a bloody weird thing to say about your own partner.

Get a razor and tell him to watch your kid while you get a bath. It's a load of bollocks that you can't find time away, sorry. Make time for yourself instead of acting like a pissing martyr.

Im sure as hell not putting a razor down there, i cut myself badly enough when i do my legs!
Plus, the one or 2 times i attempted it, i got really bad razor burn, erupted in about a million tiny little whiteheads and the ITCHING was unbearable, especially as someone with OCD that couldn't just scratch, even through clothing.
I keep meaning to trim and keep things neat but always forget when i'm in the shower. I'd definitely be more attentive about it with a partner around though, i hope :P

As for legs, my hair growth is really patchy becasue of bad keratosis pilaris, and shaving is painful, again maybe with a partner i'd try harder. Armpits i do fairly regularly as its so quick, but it doesnt really grow that long or dark so i can go a few weeks without it being a big deal, but in summer i do it to be less warm.

We're at a stand off in my house. I rather like my hairy armpits, and I can't be bothered with the legs (or toes!) any more - I prefer hairy to stubbly, and I don't have time anyway. Plus, I want my kids to see an un-mucked about with female body.

DP would prefer I shaved, but, he is head to toe covered in hair. I'm not that into a hairy back personally (and the hairballs around the bedroom/bathroom are quite incredible!), but feel it's his body hair, and he can do what he feels comfortable with. I make no demands regarding facial hair either.

I've offered him a deal though - I've said that I will take the time to shave again, all he has to do is do the same for 1 month. Just one month of daily legs and underarms (no-one would see, his body isn't on show to anyone but me, wears jeans not shorts out of the house etc.). I want him to appreciate that being hairless doesn't just happen, but requires a significant amount of upkeep. So far, in the past 3 years, he has not taken this offer up, or even tried it once.

Meh- it's been winter- I haven't shaved my legs since about September, it's been freezing, and I've worn trousers the entire time.

How do you feel about him in general? Do you feel inclined to do nice things for him day to day aside from this issue?
I think how you feel about it is probably linked to other (unmentioned) niggles about your relationship.
At the end of the day, it's your body, and you should please yourself. So, I shave my armpits because I hate it when deodorant gets mashed up in longish hair, but other bits I do when I want to.
But DH going on about it or even mentioning how groomed I was would fuck me off no end- not his business!
Safe for me to have that attitude though, as my DH never would comment on something like this. because he is a gorilla himself

I'm not sure anyone, inc him, stated you need to be attractive at all times, clearly that's not the case and he clearly hasn't asked you to be permanently shaved. But if you've inch long arm pit hairs and very hairy legs, then he has simply commented on it.

You are very defensive clearly about this, so it's a big issue to you. As said, you have the right to appear as you wish. You do not have the right to demand your husband finds it attractive or never tells you his thoughts on it though.

Your both just going to have to accept it. He doesn't find it attractive, and this is the way you are.

I also shave and don't particularly think very hairy legs and pits is an attractive look on women, but I'm straight and in a relationship with a man, so my thoughts only impact my own grooming routine..I couldn't give a shit what anyone else does.

If my husband needs a shave I will tell him. Mainly because he looks like a friggen tramp when he needs to shave. And no I don't find it attractive.

My dh went through a stage of not shaving his face very often and it bothered me. I just don't like the feel (he knows this) and I suppose I did look at it as him not bothering as much as he used to. He's much better now and I really appreciate it lol! I know it can be hard to find the time to 'groom' but I don't want my dh to think I've got complacent and when we first met I made the effort so I can see that if I stopped he might look at it the same as I did when he didn't bother as much - as a lack of effort. It's always nice to feel like our partners are making an effort to be attractive for us. Do I think it's fair that attractiveness for a woman is to be practically hairless? No and I wish it wasn't but that doesn't change the fact that most men like smooth, hairless legs on women unfortunately.

It takes 30 seconds and even then only every few days. Also legs take less than 2 minutes if you have a good razor.

Speak for yourself... my hair grows as fast as a man's beard - if I don't shave every day it's spiky enough that you can feel the grating if you rub your hand up my leg. Doubles the length of my shower if shaving is required.

I can see both your points.

You are entitled to do what you want with your body hair.

He is entitled to feel however he feels about your body hair

No you don't have to shave. But I think I'd worry about a DP if their personal grooming habits changed like that, because it kind of feels like maybe you see yourself as a different person now. And he seems to be telling you gently that he'd quite like a bit of that person back.
Relationships take a shitload of work, especially in that period when you have children, and it takes work from both sides. I wish I'd have known that at the time...

Armpits take less than twenty seconds to shave. hairy armpits really do look gross on a female.

I use an epilator on my legs. Not as often as I should though! Once you’re not shaving any more though the hairs are a bit softer and bother me less. I don’t imagine they bother anyone else. DH has never commented.
Underarms I do shave and just feel too much societal pressure not to. Also the hair there is spiky and feels horrid at a certain length. But on an aesthetic level I think it’s nice “full length”/natural on men or women, probably more attractive than pimply irritated chicken skin pits like mine!
Hate, hate bikini faffing. So difficult to DIY and I do find it awkward and embarrassing to have a salon wax (and I’ve done this many times over the years... have come to the conclusion it’s just not worth the hassle). My solution is a lovely pair of shortie bikini bottoms

Armpits take less than twenty seconds to shave. hairy armpits really do look gross on a female

They feel lovely and soft though

I get underams, half leg and bikini wax regularly. No way would I shave my public hair, waxing works well for me. I waxed regularly for years before having children because there was a beautician in my office (she rented a treatment room in the corporate gym at my offices) and she was cheap and convenient. I stopped completely when i went on mat leave and had kids. Was fully hairy underams, legs and bikini for 10 years and never even thought about it. DH never even noticed. I do it now because I like to, because i can afford to (am working again) and because I like the feeling of being groomed. I also work out a lot and like not having hairy armpits and being able to wear tanks in the gym without showing off hairy pits. Having said that, I never even notice what's going on in other people's arm pits!! It's just my personal preference. Years of being a SAHM and gaining (then losing) 6 stone left me feeling completely shit about myself. So for me it's all about my own feelings to do with body and image and nothing to do with a man. Do what makes you feel good.

It’s your body, you’re allowed to do whatever you do (or don’t) want to do with regard to hair removal. Just as he’s perfectly within his rights to find body hair unappealing. It takes barely any time at all to shave your legs/underarms and whilst I respect your right to choose, personally I’d be mortified at the thought of DH finding me sexually unattractive. And it’s a two way street, it goes without saying that I expect my DH to also be well groomed and take care of his appearance. Finding each other attractive is an important part of your relationship, it shouldn’t die just because kids came along.

But OP is this just about shaving? Or are you guys unhappy with each other in other ways?

Stop making excuses OP otherwise it sounds like your DH might make his. This is the equivalent of checking out of yourself, whether you think it is or not. Just like the other thread where the bloke stopped looking after himself

That’s bollocks. The other thread is about someone who doesn’t wash or brush his teeth - someone smelling of stale sweat with a grubby mouth is in no way the same as someone who prefers not to shave.

Would you say the same to a man who didn’t shave his legs, underarms and balls?

“Relationships take a shitload of work,”

They shouldn’t, you know.

you've let yourself go.
Wow poptart, yes- we should all shave constantly or we've let ourselves go

And Romeo Make time for yourself instead of acting like a pissing martyr ???? Seriously? Shaving (i.e. grooming oneself) is making time for yourself? Actually, I'd prefer to use my time reading, playing music, playing a game with my children, watching something funny etc, rather than spend time bathing which is more of a necessity really, not making time for myself!

I've not shaved in decades and if my husband didn't like my body the way it is, his access to it would be revoked.

I'm easy like that. I don't put demands on his body beyond "clean" and he doesn't on mine beyond "clean".

He gives you a foot massage? (misses point)

@DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg my leg hair is thick and jet black and has a 5o'clock shadow at bang on 5pm.

I shave them about once a week or once a fortnight because thats all I can be arsed doing. The lack of frequency doesn't affect the speed at which I'm able to shave them.

Get wet
Shampoo hair & rinse
Put deep cleanser on face
Put conditoner on hair
Slather shaving gel on hairy areas
Shave legs
Shave arm pits
Scrub a dub dub the rest of my body
Rinse hair
Hot cloth cleanser off face
All over rinse for 30 seconds.

Oh look... only an 8 minute shower and I'm all done and sparkly

What's his problem. Never seen a real woman? This is American/English habit. Why.
There are a bunch of European students on the beach, the girls are not shaved. The boys tongues are hanging out anyway.
Do what you want op, he doesn't have to like it

@PhilODox I mean in regards to having time to do some actual grooming sans child. Not to relax or read a fecking book you muppet.

If my husband needs a shave I will tell him. Mainly because he looks like a friggen tramp when he needs to shave. And no I don't find it attractive.

I think the word ‘attractive’ is the key here. It’s important to feel comfortable around our partners, but there’s a line on both sides where ‘comfortable’ can become ‘unattractive’. My partner would quite happily let his facial hair turn into a ‘neckbeard’ as it can be a faff to trim and he has sensitive skin. However, his untrimmed body hair looks messy and unattractive (and even unprofessional). I think when there is a loss of attraction in a relationship, it can be a slippery slope. There has to be some compromise on the comfortable vs attractive in a relationship, putting too little (or too much) effort into looks on both sides can cause issues.