should I shave?

[TotHappy]

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

And yes @SmileEachDay I would say that to a bloke who didn't. Mostly because I prefer well groomed men and have an avid dislike for pubes between my teeth.

Tell him you want him to keep clean shaven and in return you will shave your pits and legs.
If he wants a smooth pubic area, so do you. Tell him to get manscaping.

Fwiw, I honestly find this whole "women should be hairless" thing offensive, infantilising and creepy. If my partner told me he wanted a shaven vag I would ask him why he wants me to look like a child. It's disgusting. Does your DP watch a lot of porn? Sadly I think that's where this preference comes from.

You spend a lot of time licking men’s armpits do you, Romeo?

Your body, your choice.

But I think marriages are also give and take, so I do the odd thing my DH likes even if I’m not fussed about it (he also likes a clean shave). Equally he does too (usually spending hours at equestrian events without moaning).

That doesn’t mean doing things you hate to please, but would it really hurt to shave now and then?

My thinking is that you used to shave now and again, now it's not at all. Maybe when your DH and you first met and fell in love, he PREFERRED the shaved you, but loved you anyway so was ok with the occasionally unshaved. Now it's permanently unshaved ... and he's struggling. Yes, it's your body and your decision: but I don't know many men who are attracted to hairy armpits on female partners. I totally accept a woman's right to decide whether to shave or not, but I don't like hairy armpits on myself. And I do think that sweat clings to the hair, so I would feel extra urgh. That may not be the 'done thing' to say, but it's true for me. You sound like the main thing for you isn't that 'it's your body, so you'll do as you please' and more that you really can't be arsed anymore.

@RomeoBunny, it was reading that other thread about the bloke who no longer showers, brishes his teeth etc that made me post this. I dont think it is equivalent though
I prefer it if he is clean shaven. I have mentioned this. But i do not go on about it because I understand he cba often. So I feel its unfair that he doesn't accord me the same grace. Of course I could make time without dd if I wanted to - but if I get precious time off I dont want to use it shaving. It's boring.
He is not careful of his appearance. He was more attractive to me when he was not over weight (not huge now, but a bit chubby). And when he shaved more. I suppose I feel indignant that as the woman I should be expected to put myself out to be attractive but he needn't.

And yes, I am still resentful that he decided to withdraw from sex for 9 months but now I need to worry that I'm not attractive to him. As in, I should be game-ready at all times for him to jump back in when he feels like it. That I should be the one to take the initiative to improve our relationship, again.
But... This impasse is getting us nowhere. So rather than expecting him to let me be however I want without comment, as I do him, perhaps I will try resuming my old grooming routine but also vocalising the things I'd like him to do to make himself more attractive to me.

Oh I meant to add, I do the whole shaven thing but because I like it (did it when single and shagless). DH also obliges at sorting his out as much prefer a clean shaven blow job!

If my partner told me he wanted a shaven vag I would ask him why he wants me to look like a child. It's disgusting. Does your DP watch a lot of porn? Sadly I think that's where this preference comes from.

I always find this argument ridiculous. Should all men have full facial hair then, since clean shaven makes them ‘look like a child’ . Some people don’t like body hair, it’s nothing to do with porn.

Do you think this is actually about body hair, or something else? You hurt over his refusal to have sex once you were pregnant really jumped out at me and it seems to me like you might still be reacting to that rejection.
Talk to him, it's the only way to avoid pointless tit for tat.
If you just don't want to shave or wax, then don't. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is too much/not enough trouble. But this whole thing seems like it needs talking through properly.

I think she's ruder than that @smile

@millicentf buy they do require some work... especially when you've got children

Well exactly Romeo - double the length - I get in shower, shampoo hair, soap body, rinse and out - exactly like DP does. It took 3 mins this morning (I know this because 'We are the Champions' was coming on the radio when I got in, and was just winding up when I got out)

If you like shaving, using all those products, fine, but it's not for me, it's not obligatory for me any more than it is for my partner - if one of us took an 8 minute shower, the tiny water tank would be empty and the next one would have to wait for it to warm again.

No one should expect you to shave or not to shave...You do what you like. I don't know why anyone gets worried about what someone else thinks about it.

Of course it's up to you. But I think taking your partner's preferences into consideration is a nice thing to do. If your partner had a hairy back and shoulders, and you found it off putting, how would you feel if he never waxed or shaved? Or if he insisted on having a full beard when you found it unattractive/tickly?

I can't be bothered with shaving, too much upkeep and I get sore. So I use an epilator on my underarms and get my legs and bikini line waxed at a salon. I touch up with the epilator in between, and only need to use it about once a month. I use an electric trimmer on the rest of my hair down below as it feels cleaner and fresher to keep it short. That's my personal preference though.

OP I think you absolutely do need to talk to him . What were his reasons for not having sex with you when you were pregnant. Have you told him you found him more attractive when he made more of an effort?
It sounds like you're carrying a lot a resentment around with you and this is your way of making a point

I totally think you can do what you want with your own body hair I don’t think women should feel under pressure to shave if they don’t want to but I feel that this is more about attitude than choice which means I can see your dh point as well.
The language in your subsequent posts makes it sound less like a it’s my hair I should be able to choose and more like an I can’t be arsed to make the effort any more. I am pretty lax in the shaving department only if I’m going swimming or a night out usually more in the summer. Dh doesn’t care either way and has never complained but by doing jings like shaving and trimming when we are away for a night is a way of continuing to make an effort particularly after children because while we all make a lot of sacrifices when we become parents we all have to keep working on our relationship too because one day the dc will grow up and I don’t want to find out then that my marriage is dead and we are strangers.

You sound like you do a lot with your dd including bathing. For me that was something I rarely did I love a soak in the bath and it’s my time to relax. It’s really hard to want to make an effort when you are always mum you need to remember to be you as well whether that means shaving your legs or not you were a person and a wife before children and you will be a person still when your children grow up and have families of their own. You need to look after you too.

This would upset me too, OP.

I get the feeling he's trying to put you down just to justify his lack of attention.

I'd find it really hurtful because he should love you and find you sexy regardless of a bit of leg hair. Its hard to understand how a but of pit hair can really interfere with a genuine connection, shared history and real sexual attraction. Of course you should take his views into account but surely not to the extent that you feel obliged to do something you don't want to! It's perfectly obvious you feel comfortable with yourself how you are; he should be finding that attractive, not criticising you.

I also think that criticisms about someone else's body are very very rude indeed. He needs to learn some manners. I can hardly believe he's an oil painting.

I'm really surprised at all the posters suggesting the fault lies with you or that you should do it just to be attractive to him. I certainly don't consider it my job to be attractive to my partner. He finds me attractive because of who I am and that won't change because of the presence or absence of body hair. Your husband needs to understand that being a superficial, unkind and entitled little shit is a very unattractive look as well and that if there's ever a reason for you to disengage then that would be it.

I'm amazed at your patience. I'd have gone nuts.

Nobody thought a shaved pubis was cleaner and fresher before the universal availability of porn.

I’m single at the moment so don’t shave anything! Never shave down below, I don’t like looking pre pubescent down there and any man who cared that much about it wouldn’t be the man for me. My leg hair just seems to have stopped growing anyway now for some reason. Underarms I will do occasionally, but only if that area will be on display. However to me, there is absolutely nothing unhygienic about not shaving if you are keeping yourself clean. Your DH would have a point if you were never showering or what have you, but it is your hair and if you don’t want to shave then it’s your choice. I hate the look of men’s shaved heads and my ex had really nice hair and decided to shave it all off one time. I didn’t like it, but it was up to him. I wouldn’t have left him just because he did that. Love should be about more than hair!

The way I look at it, it is everyone’s choice what they do with their body but equally people can’t control what they find attractive. So if I decided to shave my head tomorrow, DH would say it was my body, but likely he wouldn’t find it especially sexy as it doesn’t do it for him. I find him more attractive with a beard, but he prefers to shave so again, his choice and he knows my preference and will sometimes skip it for a while.

My point is that you have every right not to shave, but he has every right not to find that attractive and be honest about that too. What isn’t good are the little digs and comments about it that are designed to pressure you into shaving.

I see both sides really. I do think it would make a difference to me about whether we were having sex or not though as if that stopped, I would be considering whether I needed to take action then.

And nobody shaves their head because it’s cleaner and fresher....

Vag hair should be trimmed imo, not shaved cos makes vag look childlike, which is yuck

Ask him to shave his pits and legs... see how long he can keep up with it!

Your last post op is spot on. If you aren't making demands on his optional grooming to suit your preferences then he shouldn't be doing that to you.

If both halves of a partnership are equally fussy and high maintenance then that is up to them...though I wish them look for the ageing process if they have to have everything looking neat and perfect to find each other attractive...they should be getting ready to be traded/trading in for younger partners!

I think it's of course your choice what you choose to do. And if you don't want to then don't.
Personally I couldn't not shave. I do under my arms, my arms, my legs and down below- I prefer it completely smooth and shaved. I don't find doing so an issue at all as I just do it in the shower.
Dh has said he wouldn't mind a little hair down below, but I told him I don't like it and won't do it, and he accepted it.