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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should I shave?

632 replies

TotHappy · 07/05/2018 14:33

This has been niggling at me for a while.

I'm 31. Been with dh nearly 14 years. My shaving routine used to be:
Underarms - most days, might get a bit stubbly if I left it for a few. Probably take care to shave them before baring them to swim/sunbathe.
Legs - only really bothered for a night out, so maybe shaved once a month. More in summer, but def not every day - maybe for an 'event' or a beach day. An event might include a sexy night in, but they certainly weren't smooth at all times and I didn't care.
Vag - never. Or maybe once or twice as an experiment, never liked it, hate the feeling, find it uncomfortable plus too much faff.

Then when I got pregnant (daughter is nearly 2 now), stopped shaving pretty much everything. Initially, morning sickness and generally not leaving house, later size of bump. Sexy times were non existent anyway as dh stopped sexual activity once I was pregnant - which I was very upset about.
Shaving has never resumed post partum - I will still occasionally do it for a night out/special event but not always, and of course nights out are a lot rarer now with DD. My solitary baths when I could quickly do my underarms are long gone, DD baths with me so no razors in the bath, and when I do get the odd solitary bath I cba with how long it would take as underarms now a good inch long.
I just don't care any more, even as much as I used to, about what people think. If I go swimming or to the beach, I dont feel the need to de-hair first. I think this is a lot to do with giving birth in front of five strangers - personal things somehow seem a lot less personal!

My issue is dh has brought up me not shaving a few times and I feel very uncomfortable about him doing that. After an argument once he said, as part of a rang about how I dont care, 'you dont even shave your legs anymore', quickly followed up by 'not that that's important, but it just shows that you dont care', to which I was Confused as I was never in the permanently-hairless-legs crew, ever, and in any case the reason I had reduced the number of leg shaves was because I had reduced the numbers of nights out, end of!

The other day, he was giving me a foot massage and commented 'whoa, how hairy are your legs?!' I think I responded with a Hmm and a 'quite hairy', and he followed up with 'what about your armpits? Have you shaved those lately?' Or similar.

He has also said several times in the past that he prefers a shaven vag. I've said I dont like the feel of it so dont plan to dp that regularly, but have on the very odd occasion got a bikini wax/Californian wax. Last time he didn't even notice as he wasn't up for sex for the whole 6 weeks it was evident, so that was a waste!

I feel really quite miffed that he thinks I should shave because he prefers it. I suppose I have two questions:
A) AIBU to manage my body hair in any way I want without reference to him and
B) what do most people here do? I know most of my friends do shave with some regularity. I know my mum never did. So possibly a generational thing, but as I grew up with my mum as a role model, I feel totally comfortable either way. I feel very uncomfortable with the comments I've sometimes seen on social media about not shaving being 'dirty' or 'unhygienic'.

Thoughts??

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 15:45

Nobody thought a shaved pubis was cleaner and fresher before the universal availability of porn.

Utter bollocks. Open a history book sometime.

And nobody shaves their head because it’s cleaner and fresher....

People don’t shave their heads because it’s too cold without head hair.

Morphene · 07/05/2018 15:46

luck

Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 15:47

I also don't understand the link between a preference for shaven and wanting someone to look like child or over use of porn.

It's just that - preference. I prefer clean shaven on both sexes and I'm not attracted to children and I don't watch a lot of porn.

Just because its a preference doesn't mean it has to be like that all of the time but if you know it's something your partner likes then why not do it every once in awhile? When did doing something to please your partner become a bad thing?

userabcname · 07/05/2018 15:48

Wrong Edmund. Look it up. The removal of pubic hair in Caucasian western women did not become widespread until the 1980s with the onset of - you guessed it - more and more easily accessible pornography. And with the Internet now providing access to millions and millions of images of "sexy", shaven women, extreme pubic hair removal (brazilians / hollywoods) are becoming increasingly popular. Whether you like it or not, it has everything to do with porn.

LearnFromThePast · 07/05/2018 15:49

Hang on, have missed your update somehow. If he doesn’t make a huge amount of effort then he has a real cheek expecting you to. I think it sounds like he may be using this as an excuse.

I am a bit Hmm about the comments criticising people who shave down below. I have done it for years, long before it became popular and have always done it for me. I don’t look like a child with my clothes off as the rest of me is an adult woman. Surely everyone should be able to do what makes them feel sexy

SmileEachDay · 07/05/2018 15:50

Ed

I’m amazed that anyone would be unable to see the connection between porn and shaved from top to toe wimmz.

People don’t shave their heads because it’s too cold without head hair.

Why don’t they just let it grow and grow? Or just have an inch or so? That would be enough insulation. Why is “woman” hair longer? Why are women with shorter hair often thought of as gender non conforming?

It’s fine for anyone to do what they like with their hair - but at least have a bit of a critical conversation with yourself.

elisenbrunnen · 07/05/2018 15:50

Of course you shouldn't shave for someone else, OP.

Personally I hate long underarm hair - my anti-P doesn't work properly if I get even a bit stubbly so I would stink if I let my underarm hair grow.

You should shave. I would. I remove hair both because that it what I have always done and because my husband likes that Piss off! No-one gets to tell anyone what they 'should' do. Do you do lots of stuff because your husband likes it? Don't you have a mind of your own? It's your body, not his to do with as he wishes.

Original poster
TotHappy · 07/05/2018 15:56

What @Eyesaidthefly said really. I didn't stop shaving as a way of punishing him, like I said I used to do it in the bath and once dd was in the bath with me, the opportunity wasn't there and it just slid as I didn't really care and never had. I was taken aback the first time he mentioned it. Continuing to bring t up again just makes me want to dig my heels in because it feels like he's insisting and I'm thinking hold on, who are you to insist on what I do with my body?!
He doesn't have to find it attractive. He's allowed to state his preference. There are things about him I don't find attractive but the package as a whole is the man I love. If he is so repulsed by me as to actually not find me attractive at all with hair on my body, then we are not the right fit, because I'm not going to shave as a way of keeping him.
And pp who said about modelling to your children what a woman's body looks like - yes i think that plays a part too. I dont want my daughter to hit puberty and be horrified,by the hairs sprouting or feel she needs to hide them because mummy doesn't have any!
Dh is a gorilla too. I cant imagine how long it would take him to shave legs/armpits and pubis. But more time than he'd want to spend I expect.

OP posts:
RoomOfRequirement · 07/05/2018 15:56

I'm assuming he shaves his legs, underarms and groin, right?

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 16:00

The removal of pubic hair in Caucasian western women did not become widespread until the 1980s with the onset of - you guessed it - more and more easily accessible pornography.

What I referenced wasn’t in relation to 1980s western women though. What I quoted suggested shaving had ‘never been a thing’ until porn, which is blatantly untrue. Hair removal has been a part of even western culture before this, even if you don’t believe it’s the case.

Why is “woman” hair longer? Why are women with shorter hair often thought of as gender non conforming?

Are they? We must move in different circles as I know plenty of women with short hair, and none are considered ‘non gender conforming’ (including myself). I see more men with long hair these days.

I’ve said more than once it’s fine for whoever to do whatever with their own bodies. The issue comes with attractiveness to ones partner, and where a compromise should be made. If your partner feels you have ‘give up’ on looking attractive, surely that suggests there’s an issue. It works both ways and for several reasons, of course.

ellie232 · 07/05/2018 16:00

I didn't know vaginas had hair!

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 07/05/2018 16:02

Ancient Egyptian women removed all their body hair, the ancient Romans both men and women shaved and pubic hair was removed back then. It’s not a new thing.

Esspee · 07/05/2018 16:06

This really isn't about "to shave or not to shave" OP, is it?

Original poster
TotHappy · 07/05/2018 16:07

And to clarify, I do shave legs and pits sometimes - because I know its his preference. I think that's a fair compromise. We didn't book a special hotel or a night it without dd as some reconnection time - it was the end of a long day and a long week and he offered me a foot massage and then commented unfavourably on the length of my leg hair. As if I would offer him a back massage and say bloody hell, your back hair is long! Shave this mother! I dont find back hair sexually attractive but I can bear to touch it ffs!

OP posts:
Original poster
TotHappy · 07/05/2018 16:09

Well no, I suppose not Esspee. It's more 'is he being sexist?' Because I felt he was. Opinions seem to be mixed.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 07/05/2018 16:09

My dh is the hariest fucker out but I still shave legs and pits! I’m not a regular bikini shaver - never have been - but do it in summer more. I moan at dh when he doesn’t do his ear/nose hair regular as it’s gross. He didn’t have that when we met but I’ve always had my bush!!!

TheHumanMothboy · 07/05/2018 16:10

Ancient Egyptian women removed all their body hair

I'm willing to bet we only have evidence of ancient Egyptian royalty and nobility removing their body hair. I'm betting ancient Egyptian farmers, bakers, seamstresses, and washerwomen didn't have the time, or the money for blades...

PhilODox · 07/05/2018 16:12

Or the money for lamp oil to shave once the sun had gone down at six, and they got home from work.

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 16:14

Well no, I suppose not Esspee. It's more 'is he being sexist?' Because I felt he was. Opinions seem to be mixed.

It’s sexist if he expects you to completely conform to his ideals of attractiveness whilst utterly refusing to do the same for you. If you find his back hair unattractive, you’d not be unreasonable to ask if he could do something about it, if he feels you should shave more often. If he doesn’t even think body hair grooming is something only women should do, yes he’s definitely sexist.

userabcname · 07/05/2018 16:17

Yes Ed, it may have existed but never so widespread or normalised to the point where it is now expected that women are as hairless as possible at all times. That is due to porn.

Anyway, I doubt this debate is helping the OP so believe what you want but if you truly think pornography has nothing to do with this issue then you are living in cloud cuckoo land.

MillicentF · 07/05/2018 16:19

“Ancient Egyptian women removed all their body hair, the ancient Romans both men and women shaved and pubic hair was removed back then”

I’ve heard this before-do you have a source?

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/05/2018 16:21

Ka, never said once porn had nothing to do with social expectations, just pointed out that it’s not the original source of body hair removal. However, you keep peddling your agenda and live in a land where any hairless person must have fallen to the evils of porn, rather than make a personal choice. I’ve commented several times on the actual OP, instead of just this ridiculous historical merry-go-round on body hair.

MillicentF · 07/05/2018 16:21

“Nobody thought a shaved pubis was cleaner and fresher before the universal availability of porn.

Utter bollocks. Open a history book sometime.”

OK- which one do you recommend?

PhilODox · 07/05/2018 16:23

Of course, that's probably why God appeared to Moses and Aaron, and gave them the commandments, because Zipporah and Miriam were too busy with their hair removal.

Pandoraphile · 07/05/2018 16:24

Is it just me who thinks that inch long underarm hair on a woman is gross??

IMO women should depilate their hair in some form. Its part of being feminine and attractive, especially if a DP has said that he likes it.