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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it stingy to host a bbq and not provide alcohol?

257 replies

Tobythecat · 07/05/2018 13:05

I will provide all the food and side dishes etc and soft drinks, but aibu to not provide alcohol? I don't drink and one of my friends is a heavy drinker and will probably guzzle the lot, plus booze is so expensive as some only drink wine.

OP posts:
jessebuni · 08/05/2018 18:33

This thread is hilarious! I have been to both kinds of bbq by the way and both types have been great.

I’ve been to a few where all food and drinks were provided and we just brought a token gift for the host and I’ve also been to bring your own bottle kinds. Also with my two closest friends we often do a everyone brings a few bits to split the cost and we do a bbq at the friend’s with the largest garden. We live in an apartment so no garden at all. So we do many many bbqs at my best friends house where we split costs by bringing food and drinks to be shared among us.

Most bbqs are a case of the host provided most of the food and provided either a couple of bottles of wine or some pins and lemonade and after that it’s a case of BYOB.

I also go to a brilliant communal camp weekend once a year with various friends and friends f friends etc where everyone brings their own alcohol and everyone brings food to share out. In this instance you would not bring prime steaks you would bring things reasonably cheap enough to share. So everyone brings some bread or salad or crisps etc and everyone brings some meat or veggie alternatives to go on the bbq. There are also 3 bbqs going one for only veggie food for those vegetarians that may not want meat drippings touching their food. It’s a lovely weekend.

greenritta · 08/05/2018 18:35

Where I am (city centre of a big town) nobody has a garden or balconies but ONE friend. So when it eventually gets sunny, we all want bbq, but would be quite demanding to ask him to host every sunny day
=> he provides the place (a bit of garden with a bbq), the coal, and his kitchen. Then everyone, said friend included, brings their own meat and booze.

Avoids have to rent cars, go out of town to find somewhere green that's not mobbed to do a bbq. Or to go camping.
Nobody every complained! and then he avoids having feedbacks about how there was not enough meat/drinks/anything

moofolk · 08/05/2018 18:47

YANBU. I wouldn't expect alcohol to be provided even if the hosts are drinkers. This seems to depend on particular social circles (MN has opened my eyes), but I would not expect hosts to provide anything other than heat and space at a BBQ.

But all my friends know this so some turn up with large salads, others with lots of bread, plus whatever mains.

In reality the host will have extra drinks and have provided more sides than guests but it's not expected.

I think the main thing is that guests know what's expected of them. However most people live within striking distance of a shop, if push comes to shove guests can dash off to buy what they need d

Megansmumsie · 08/05/2018 19:24

We don't really drink either so we only provide a few bits of alcohol- although in previous years we would have provided loads and had left overs which we personally wouldn't have drunk. Now we provide enough for everyone but ask that if they want anything in particular that they bring it and they always do. We would vice versa.

Enthymeme · 08/05/2018 19:29

Would suit me. Always lukewarm about BBQs until It dawned on me that for me BBQ food doesn’t go with alcohol. I now drink only Coke Zero with BBQ food, burgers and pizza and enjoy them much more. However would provide some beer and wine for those who don’t share my epiphany.

Orangewater33 · 08/05/2018 19:46

I thought it was totally accepted that you should bring a case of beer/bottles of wine if invited to a barbecue where the food is provided without having to be told.
If you think she should be providing the alcohol how much and for how many? That could cost at least £100/150?
Why would friends/relatives be ok with that unless you chose to do it as a celebration of something?
If you bring your own alcohol it's going to work out around £15/20 each and you have a nice day and get fed. Is that not totally reasonable?

Fizzymama · 08/05/2018 19:48

Would be fine for me. With our family/ friends we all do the same the host provides the food and guests BYOB. We do that for whatever type of gathering we're having whether it be BBQ, birthday party, parties over Christmas or New Year, general get together etc. We drink so we always have some alcohol in and would be buying for ourselves anyway, but it's how we like to do it. I personally like to know I have enough food - can always nip to local shop for extra booze bit more difficult with food though.

bialystockandbloom · 08/05/2018 20:10

Stop, wait - BBQ food doesn't go with alcohol? Wtf now?! I can't really think of any food that couldn't potentially go with alcohol, except maybe breakfast on a plane, but even then a Bloody Mary could work

marymoosmum · 08/05/2018 20:12

Just tell them to bring their own alcohol. They know you don't drink and therefore shouldn't be that bothered.

Leeds2 · 08/05/2018 20:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable to provide no alcohol. as long as you make it clear in advance. Just beware that there are always couples that bring one bottle of wine between them, finish it within half an hour and are then unhappy that there isn't more available.

Enthymeme · 08/05/2018 20:29

bialystockandbloom. Note that I wrote ‘for me’ before the assertion. Purely a matter of personal taste. Also note that I declared I would provide beer and wine as I don’t expect everyone to share my taste.

Oblomov18 · 08/05/2018 20:35

No, I don't think it's ok. You should provide food, plus a little of everything: coke, lemonade, wine, beers.
If you can't afford it, then delay your party till you can.

Ticketsfrom · 08/05/2018 20:38

I would never host a barbie without providing some alcohol but of course people will bring some. Just get done beers in and stop being so tight.

bialystockandbloom · 08/05/2018 20:53

enthymeme no slight intended to you personally. I just saw the words "bbq food doesn't go with alcohol" and tried to inject a bit of humour into what is a bizarrely serious thread. Should've put before my post Wink

ReanimatedSGB · 08/05/2018 20:56

Among my social circles, it's always been the case that you bring your own drinks to parties. Some people bring beer or wine, some bring spirits, some bring soft drinks because they have a particular preference for something in the soft drink line.

The only time I could see it being a problem would be if the hosts didn't make it clear that it was BYOB and they live somewhere that's miles from the nearest shop.

But I have no time for the twattiness of 'don't host if you can't afford to feed and water 50 people'. Those of us on low incomes are still allowed to enjoy the company of friends or family, and no one sensible minds the idea of sharing the costs among host and guests.

Museumland · 08/05/2018 21:00

I don't drink but I do provide wine at parties, not loads but I tend to buy half a bottle per head...most people offer to bring something and I would normally say please just bring something you would enjoy to drink.
I think I wouldn't like to actually ask out right for a guest to bring something.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 08/05/2018 21:31

I don’t drink alcohol and therefor won’t provide any. I am happy to put on other drinks but really think it’s cheeky for people to expect booze.

user1476641978 · 08/05/2018 22:53

Every BBQ I’ve ever been to has been being your own booze so think that’s really standard to tell people that. I don’t really drink but I always take a bottle of wine as a contribution to the host/party even if I don’t touch it.

Teeniemiff · 08/05/2018 23:34

for us it depends on the guests. Usually we have friends & immediate family over for bbq. We always get a text off everyone coming asking if they can bring anything & we usually say if there’s anything in particular you want to drink bring it along. As a guest at a bbq I always think it’s polite to turn up with something anyway, even a bottle of wine we don’t drink.
Last year however we had a bbq with extended family- aunts, uncles, cousins & when they have a get together they cover everything. they have plenty of drinks (alcoholic & non) So when we had them over I felt it right to return that hospitality & we brought a lot of alcohol - although they still turned up with some drink of their own.

stopgap · 09/05/2018 00:43

I just roll with whatever the host dictates, and either way always bring a side dish, booze or dessert, as instructed by the host.

Biker47 · 09/05/2018 01:18

Bringing your own alcohol is normal for me and my friends.

user1472151176 · 09/05/2018 07:39

Almost every BBQ I've been to is 'bring your own bottle'. I've always been told not to turn up empty handed to anyone's house. I wouldn't expect someone to host and provide alcoholic drinks for everyone all night.

TammySwansonTwo · 09/05/2018 07:59

Laughing at all the “yes, but you must tell them in advance so they can bring their own”... as if your guests will drop down dead if they have an afternoon / evening without booze. That’s just depressing.

Whenever we have a BBQ, i buy all the meat, side dishes and soft drinks (all of which costs a small fortune). I get a box of beer, and tell people to bring their own if they want it. Then again I don’t have many friends for whom a social occasion would be ruined by a lack of alcohol.

expatinscotland · 09/05/2018 08:07

Why are you laughing telling people it's BYOB when you yourself tell your guests it's BYOB when you host a BBQ, Tammy?

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 09/05/2018 08:13

@expatinscotland she’s laughing at people acting like there is a NEED for alcohol at a BBQ. As if a BBQ isn’t a real BBQ unless there is alcohol. It’s hilarious - so many people think booze if essential!