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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheapskate friend AIBU?

197 replies

ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 12:22

It was my daughters birthday recently and she wanted a party. Her friend turned up with a free toy from a magazine as a present.

The card was a crumpled folded over bit of scrap paper that was drawn on. (It was a scribble that I couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. The girl is 6)

I know it’s the thought that counts. When my daughter makes cards for her friends I say it’s to be neat and you’ve to make it your best job because a birthday is special. I wouldn’t allow her to pass off a scribble that would take her 5 minutes. I know all kids abilities are different but I know her friend and have seen her drawings etc. And as for the free toy, I feel it’s cheapskate. I honestly don’t care the value of gifts! Another friend made her a friendship band and I think that’s lovely to give homemade gifts. And another gave a colouring book. I Am interested to know who you think is BU? Thanks

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 07/05/2018 20:02

Kids don’t need a shitload of toys, they need love and fun and friends and experiences. Shame on you for calling her a cheapskate.

Totally agree.

OP, sorry to see you judge people for such superficial things. Glad I don't know you.

Thespringsthething · 07/05/2018 20:25

One of my dd's friends in primary school turned up to every party without a present or card at all. She didn't live with her mum and I don't think her family realised it was the done thing, never had her own parties either. They were very hard up. I don't think anyone except me really noticed at a big party, I'm sure the girl herself did though.

Awhoosh · 07/05/2018 22:08

YANBU. Cost isn't the issue - OP said there was a homemade gift from someone - but lack of care with card would definitely bother me. Homemade card with one bit of paper can look like someone has bothered or just done a scribble at the last minute. I'm pretty disorganised so have been last minute with party gifts and cards but would always try to make it look like we hadn't done present / card on the way! Even if we had! Yes there might be issues at home but could also be that people hadn't much made effort.

SLJ17 · 07/05/2018 22:43

Wow, you really are an awful person. When a child is young they are excited by gifts on magazines, the girl may well have seen it as a great gift for your child and chosen it for that reason. As for making a card, your poor children must have to work hard for your approval. You are not coming across as a very nice person at all. To the imbecile stating that the child should not have gone, you too are an awful person.

Petrify · 07/05/2018 22:52

Sounds like they're hard up. At least they made the effort. Get over it x

Original poster
ukulelelady · 07/05/2018 23:22

Wow! To get called out on mumsnet for being judgey by other mums calling me a liar (can’t rememb

OP posts:
Original poster
ukulelelady · 07/05/2018 23:40

Oops posted by accident before I finished! Sorry.

to be called judgey by other mums on here judging me and calling me names is just hypocritical.

I’m not a liar, can’t remember who questioned that one. It didn’t occur to me to put that they were well off in my post as I know them so I didn’t think money was the issue. It’s not. And the person that claimed I’d made up they had a month of holidays, maybe I didn’t make the post clear, they have 2 holidays a year - for 2 weeks. That adds to one month.

I thanked the girl for her present and put her card up with the others and made no difference. I like her and so does my dd.

I do take note with my wording of the title of this thread. I shouldn’t have said cheapskate as I dont give a toss about the value of a gift, but I do think it shows lack of thought/care on the mums part. Especially the not writing on the card.

OP posts:
Bekstar · 07/05/2018 23:49

MY DS 5th birthday party his friend gave him a macdonalds toy, I know that although the family do have money, her dad is in hospital and getting to a shop to buy presents isn't her mums priority. Between rushing from school to hospital they occasionally call at Macdonalds for a quick tea and his friend picked up a free toy while there and chose to give it to DS for his birthday. My son loves it because his friend thought of him despite been rushed around and worrying about her dad.
Yes YABU to be honest. The kid could be from a family who doesn't have the money, or has other priorities. As for the card, anything a child has made should be prized. I pity your child to be so perfect that they have to get everything exactly right. I wouldn't want a handmade card from a kid if I thought for one moment that their parent had insisted they put 100% into it and make it perfect. A child should enjoy doing it not have to do it. If they enjoy folding a piece of paper up and writing their name on it then that's good enough for me. My son has made loads of cards at school where he is expected to work hard and put all his effort into it. But I'd still prefer to be given one of his hand written post in notes that are literally just a scribble saying "Love you" etc. I think your views are not vary parent orientated. You say you don't care about presents but clearly do. The last parent I heard talking like that about presents her kid got only did so cos she was selling them in ebay after the party. I despise people who can't appreciate that a kid has turned up and made an effort.

Orangewater33 · 08/05/2018 01:18

When I was a child, through a mixture of neglect from parents who didn't care and also a total lack of money I was frequently invited to parties that I would not be able to bring a gift to, I remember panicking once as it was my(rich) best friends and giving her a garfield teddy I owned and using a black marker pen to colour in the scratches on its plastic eyes so it would look as new as possible, another time when I couldn't avoid not going I lied and said I forgot the gift until I had time to gather up a few scented soaps and things and make a basket(shoe box).
I don't believe for a second that the child did anything other than the best she could in this scenario.

Abbylee · 08/05/2018 01:22

What @orangewater33 said.

thebewilderness · 08/05/2018 01:50

One of the things I made a point of doing with my grand kids was to take them shopping so they didn't have to beg their parents for money to buy them a gift.

I remember how frustrating it was to be a child with no access to money and no ability to earn it.

lilypoppet · 08/05/2018 06:07

When I was a single parent I had to buy a gift for a party from Poundland. I was hoping against hope the gifts would be opened later and no one would notice. As it turned out, the mum opened the gifts while we were thank and she thanked me as if the gift had cost £100 to my relief.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/05/2018 06:15

I totally agree it shows a lack of care on the parent’s behalf. Had you come at the issue with this angle, I think you would have got very different responses.

The little girl did her best, whatever her best was at that moment in time.

You were called judgey and rightly so for judging a child.

Michellelovesizzy · 08/05/2018 07:28

maybe the mum is havin a hard time at moment or somthing u dont really know what really goes on in people lives

Michellelovesizzy · 08/05/2018 07:35

once ur daughter had i nice day thats all that really matters isnt it

Namechangedname · 08/05/2018 07:45

It's the thought that counts; not how much thought was put into it.

Namechangedname · 08/05/2018 07:52

true friends stay true

This.

Earthakitty · 08/05/2018 08:06

I wouldn't be at all bothered if the party guest had brought nothing.
Children don't have birthday parties to get a stash of presents....they have them to have a good time with their friends.
I think you are being unreasonable yes.

jocarter67 · 08/05/2018 09:23

This weekend has been my grandson’s 4th Birthday, he very rarely gets to see family because he lives so far away. Anyway to get to the point, we brought him a comic to read in his hotel room, the next day he had lots and lots of really lovely pressies but still held on to this little plastic toy. After a big family bbq, my sister, her hubby and boys (both in their teens) were saying goodbye we were looking for my Dgs to come and say bye, he ran out of the house holding a scrap of screwed up paper and his little toy and promptly handed it over as a gift to his cousins. So what I’m trying to say is, that even though he got lots of presents, this little toy was his favourite and he decided he wanted to give it away to teenage boys because to him, he had such a great time that it was his way of saying thank you. Maybe that’s what your friends child wanted to do, give a special thing that they loved to someone else to love

bethankfulforwhatyouhave · 08/05/2018 09:29

you are absolutely being U! That child might have saved that toy for your child, even if they wanted it, knowing that your child might really love it! There are so many children and families in poverty and don't have the chance to spend money on a present, when all other children will be taking presents. Don't be so ungrateful, think about other people and be thankful for all that you have! The party isnt about presents, its about having fun with friends, and celebrating birthdays. There is so much wrongful pressure on parents to out do everyone and to seek approval, and your stinking attitude is contributing to why parents suffer so much with pressure and stress to give their children everything. Get a grip!!

scampimom · 08/05/2018 11:26

YAB totally U.

We got a piece of cardboard folded and stapled and with some crayoned bits sellotaped to some of the edges last year. So what? My child isn't the centre of the universe, I don't expect other parents to demonstrate "thought" and "effort" for DD's birthday party. The point of the party is to show DD she's loved by us, to play the run-around-and-scream game, to eat stupid amounts of sugar, and to spin round to make your dress flare out. It's not to measure other people's standards of gift-giving, collect a horde of presents I deem of appropriate levels of worth/effort/thought, to demonstrate how important my child is, or to make any sort of social point.

AhhhhThatsBass · 08/05/2018 12:55

You're getting quite a hard time OP. IMO YANBU. Your friend sounds like a dick. Unless there is other info not shared in your original post (not read much past Page 1). (illness etc).
Even if she is poor, they could at least spend some time on making a card.

Momo18 · 08/05/2018 13:00

I get your point, it is a bit shameful to gift a toy from a magazine. However I would find the card lovely, very sweet thing to do. Maybe the child's parents are struggling financially. Either way does it really matter? You sound OTT about it all

spotsgalore · 08/05/2018 13:03

This story is being shared on fb!

IamPeas · 08/05/2018 13:59

One of my favourite Christmas present ever was from my niece when she was 5 or 6 yrs old. It was a bag of half used avon samples. She'd gone round the house and picked up bits she thought I'd like. Her family are far from poor, she just wanted to choose my present herself. YABVU.