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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheapskate friend AIBU?

197 replies

ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 12:22

It was my daughters birthday recently and she wanted a party. Her friend turned up with a free toy from a magazine as a present.

The card was a crumpled folded over bit of scrap paper that was drawn on. (It was a scribble that I couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. The girl is 6)

I know it’s the thought that counts. When my daughter makes cards for her friends I say it’s to be neat and you’ve to make it your best job because a birthday is special. I wouldn’t allow her to pass off a scribble that would take her 5 minutes. I know all kids abilities are different but I know her friend and have seen her drawings etc. And as for the free toy, I feel it’s cheapskate. I honestly don’t care the value of gifts! Another friend made her a friendship band and I think that’s lovely to give homemade gifts. And another gave a colouring book. I Am interested to know who you think is BU? Thanks

OP posts:
CadyHeron · 06/05/2018 22:17

My eldest is 2 so I’ve got away with nice toddler books so far, when I’ve been stuck for ideas. But what is expected at parties? I’ve seen threads where posters said £10 was ott, but £7/8 doesn’t go too far. Maybe I just haven’t found the right shops?

Have you got a Wilkos or The Works near you? Both really good for stuff like jigsaws, books, games, crafts etc and all for around a fiver.
Perfectly acceptable for party presents Smile

Rudi44 · 06/05/2018 22:18

I have had friends turn up to DDs birthday with no present. I honestly don't care and have made sure that the message I give my daughter is not not care either and be grateful for her party, her friends coming along and the presents she does have.
Surely you don't throw a party so your child receives presents?

StarUtopia · 06/05/2018 22:35

This is so sad. That little 6 yr old chose to give something. That might have been all she had to give. Shame on you!

Cheapskate friend AIBU?
thethoughtfox · 06/05/2018 22:35

A child handmade a card for her friend. Maybe they didn't have sturdy card so did it on flimsy paper that crumples easily. Maybe she was clutching it all the way there.

thegreylady · 07/05/2018 17:26

I bet the parents forgot about the party and the little girl, worried about turning up empty handed, improvised at the last minute. Let it go, they are 6.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/05/2018 17:33

Or the children fell out and the girl is showing how pissed off she is Grin

Lovebeingmama · 07/05/2018 17:41

YABU. The child and her parent came to your party to celebrate your daughters birthday and have fun. Who cares about the present and card?!

StaplesCorner · 07/05/2018 18:18

When my eldest DD was 6 she was "friends" with a neighbour's daughter who would do stuff like this to demonstrate how far beneath her she considered my DD, and how far beneath her the mother considered me. It was a very deliberate act, I've heard them talking about it "MiniStaples doesn't really deserve anything nice does she mummy, but I am going to be kind and give her that toy we got free because she's not got anything else" and the mum saying "yes that's right and you are so kind to give her something, you are always so thoughtful".

It really pisses me off that so many people on Mumsnet think that a 6 year old girl wouldn't do this, yet when a 16 year old teenager makes a mistake they are down on him or her like a ton of bricks. Its a MN thang I suppose. Anyway OP, I'm with you.

MaiaRindell · 07/05/2018 18:27

I am a single parent who has struggled at times, and have turned down party invitations when i couldn't afford a present. And I have also been on the receiving end of a seemingly thoughtless gift once and was upset. (My ex SIL and BIL bought me a packet of condoms when my 11 year old DD was born. No card, no congratulations, no visit. Nothing. Just condoms)

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 07/05/2018 18:42

You are definitely being unreasonable. You’re teaching your daughter that material possessions have more value than something with thought.
You never know what’s going on behind the scenes and to label them cheapskates is just bang out of order and bullying.
People have turned up to my daughter parties and I just welcome them in and pay no mind to if they have present or not.

lauramaywharton · 07/05/2018 18:44

What happened to not expecting people to bring presents... I remember I used to have small party's with my friends for my birthday and I was lucky to even get a card, except one year my dad got a present of a pack of 4 carling saying good luck for my birthday lol. Kids are kids presents are ment to mean something so getting a parent to buy one isn't the same unless you just like freebies. Why do people expect every occasion should involve money. There 6 and they won't even remember or care unless you make it a big deal. Is this why people have class birthday parties to see how much presents kids can get. Society has gone mad we all don't have money and yet we expect gifts for evey occasion. And money wise you sitting for ages helping your daughter drawer a card means your a cheapskate when cards cost 50p, she probly did it last minute and wanted to bring a card so did a quick one and gifted one of there toys for your child. so if I was that mother I would be proud of my child being so quick thinking and generous.

Qwertytypewriter · 07/05/2018 18:46

How nasty, I hope you kept your attitude from your DD.

For all you know, the toy may have been the little girls favourite thing and she thought it the best possible gift to offer. Did your DD like it? Or did you not take much interest in that because you were busy judging Hmm?

Flutist · 07/05/2018 18:49

The parents might be poor or simply greedy and not willing to give the child any money. Nevertheless the child brought what she had to give. She probably would have given more if she could. YABU to be ungrateful for a gift given by a six year old! And why are you so bothered about the lack of a £5 piece of plastic tat which is what most kids give at birthday parties anyway?

twelly · 07/05/2018 18:53

I think it is the lack of thought that offends. I have no issue at doll with regard to gifts, but you would expect a child to have spent time drawing a card and making an effort to write or the parent to write a message. It is the lack of thought and care that offends

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 07/05/2018 18:53

@dieu I once saw a post that said if a child only has a stone in their possession and they choose to give it to you...you should ooze gratitude because they’ve chosen you to have their prized possession.
What if that child genuinely thought the girl would love the toy?

OP - as for the month of holidays a year....if that were true you would have said so originally. Just an after thought (and probably a lie) to try and not make you look like the complete ingate you obviously are!

pollymere · 07/05/2018 18:57

I've had someone say they'll give my dd her present when they have money next week. I told them we were just happy to have her dd at the party. I've also had people say they can't come because they've got no funds (presumably for card/present) and of course we tell them to come anyway. It could be they completely forgot and had five minutes, they could be living in extreme poverty. Don't invite people to get gifts, or judge what they bring.

Barbara1956 · 07/05/2018 19:02

I am 62 today ....yay .don't look it thank God !!!!! We are skint so I got a card..this time next year the mortgages will be paid so I will get a present...people give what they can afford...don't knock it. I have been well off giving lavish parties and through illness have been very poor..true friends stay true

safariboot · 07/05/2018 19:06

YABVU being a judgey McJudgeFace about a six year old child. If you think her parents should have encouraged her to do better that's another matter, but keep the child out of it.

Cambionome · 07/05/2018 19:19

Oh get over yourself, op.
It really doesn't matter.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 19:24

Op,you seem to associate gifts with worth and regard. Eg if she had made an effort she’d have bought a better gift,nicer card. You’ve placed an emphasis on the gift rather than the giving. The kids get on,they play happily that’s what matters not the quality of the gift

I need to address this unpalatable comment too ...and no few people are that poor in Britain today that they cannot afford a 2 pound gift-if they are that poor then don't attend

Unfortunately there are families, individuals and children who are so poor that spontaneously buying a gift is simply too expensive. Even a £2 gift. Because they might not be able to spare £2. £2 in Iceland is bag of chips and fish fingers,it’s literally enough money to buy dinner.

if they are that poor then don't attend
Really?if one doesn’t have a disposable income don’t show up without a gift. It’s hard enough being skint without being further marginalised and ostracised because you didnt bring a gift that the host liked.

LaLaLolly · 07/05/2018 19:34

What lack of manners (and soul) to complain about a present handed over by a 6 year old.

This thread actually made me angry; the tackiness, the sheer pettiness and meaness!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 19:41

Charity shops sell the magazine toys still in packaging

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 19:45

Unbeknownst to me My child took a potato to a party as the gift.it was graciously received
My instruction had been pick something they’ll like,meaning we’d go to Asda
The gift was left sat at home and a potato selected,because they like potato

Qwertytypewriter · 07/05/2018 19:55

I had a child show up to a party held jointly for my DD and her friend. The little boy came to me especially to tell me that he did not bring anything for my DD, as his mummy said he was better friends with the other little girl, so she had told him he was taking just a gift for her. I suspect his DM had explained this to him, but not really expected him to make such a point of telling me Grin. However, I just said that was fine, and sent him off to play; seemed a bit odd, but the party was about kids having fun with their friends, not collecting a good set of gifts.

OreoMini · 07/05/2018 20:00

BustopherJones - I have a present box and I buy bargains through out the year to stash away.

After Xmas in primark they had some shambala bracelet making sets that were originally £6 each down to £1! I picked up the last 3 and have one recently gave one as a gift with a pack of £1 haribo that was on offer for 50p at the time. The whole present including the card cost me £1.60! But should of cost over £7.

Bringing anything to a party is ok, the value doesn’t matter aslong as some effort is involved. My daughter would want her friend there more then a gift.