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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheapskate friend AIBU?

197 replies

ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 12:22

It was my daughters birthday recently and she wanted a party. Her friend turned up with a free toy from a magazine as a present.

The card was a crumpled folded over bit of scrap paper that was drawn on. (It was a scribble that I couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. The girl is 6)

I know it’s the thought that counts. When my daughter makes cards for her friends I say it’s to be neat and you’ve to make it your best job because a birthday is special. I wouldn’t allow her to pass off a scribble that would take her 5 minutes. I know all kids abilities are different but I know her friend and have seen her drawings etc. And as for the free toy, I feel it’s cheapskate. I honestly don’t care the value of gifts! Another friend made her a friendship band and I think that’s lovely to give homemade gifts. And another gave a colouring book. I Am interested to know who you think is BU? Thanks

OP posts:
TeaAddict235 · 06/05/2018 14:38

What does your daughter think of the gift & card?

If she likes them, then all is well.

Hellywelly10 · 06/05/2018 14:49

Op i really hope your taking the mickey. Slagging off a childs drawing is a new low on mn. I grew up poor and remember being judged by adults and children alike.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/05/2018 14:52

if they are that poor then don't attend.

No! Nonono! The important thing is that the child attends and everyone has fun. The idea that anyone would miss DS's party because they can't afford a gift he doesn't need is just horrible.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 06/05/2018 14:53

YABU. I've seen people post before that they've declined invitations to parties because they couldn't afford a gift, which seems so sad. Isn't it much better that her friend came to the party and shared her special day? Just count yourself lucky that you can afford to spend more on gifts. And try not to pass on your attitude to your daughter.

BakerBear · 06/05/2018 15:00

I remember growing up poor. There was no spare momney for anything. I got free school meals but they would only let you have up to a certain amount and it was never enough so i used to walk to school and back and put the bus fare money towards my school dinners.

There was a birthday event of going to the cinema were the girls dad paid most of the ticket but we had to pay for the rest of it. We had to put £2 towards it which i had saved my bus money to fund this but then a present was expected. It threw me straight into panic mode and i worried about it for about 2 weeks.

There is no way my parents would of given it to me so i collected all the free stuff from old magazines and put them all in a bobble tube and tried to make it look like it was bought like that.

She knew exactly what i had done and i know afew of the girls bitched about it afterwards.

There was another incident were a friend was having a party and wanted everyone to bring something with them and she asked if i could bring some cakes. I remember thinking shit were was i going to get the money for those?

In the end i turned up and said i was really sorry but i had forgotten them. One of the girls suggested i went back for them but i cant remember what excuse i made to not go back.

My dd who is 5 had a party last year and i was very firm with her that nobody has to provide a gift. I explained to her its very nice if they do but it doesnt matter if they dont.

We went to a party recently and put money in a card rather than a gift and when a card was handed over he asked were his present was! I have taught dd to NEVER do that!

Its brought tears to my eyes writing this as its made me remember how skint we were as kids and well into my late teens and how £2-3 was nothing to most people but it was alot to us.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 06/05/2018 15:25

I've been the parent who was too poor to afford a present and had an unexpected party invite. I was on maternity leave, had to pay for my baby's funeral and my bank account was hacked. Fortunately we had one present which was still sealed from a party we'd held a couple of months previously, or we wouldn't have had anything. It was one of the very worst times of my life and thinking about it even years later makes me cry.

The card thing is the easiest part to excuse for me. Firstly because I despise greetings cards, but mostly because I have at least one child who would refuse to do more than the briefest scribble because they hated drawing (and worse still, colouring in) more than anything else.

Doesn't everybody teach their children that sometimes people give us things we don't like anyway? If the child doesn't like the gift then they get to practice their "oh thank you, it's lovely" response and if they do like it then there is no problem anyway.

tinytemper66 · 06/05/2018 15:33

Did OP not like the responses and decide to not come back?

SandAndSea · 06/05/2018 15:36

I think a lot of people are missing the point here. It's not about the money but the amount of effort and caring which has gone into it. Some of my most treasured possessions are home-made cards, made by children in just a few minutes, using the most basic crayons and pencils, but with the loveliest thoughts and feelings. I've kept them YEARS and enjoy them every time I look at them. It sounds to me that the OP is talking about something very different here.

Nanny0gg · 06/05/2018 15:43

Maybe the child didn't have the materials or the help to make a card.

Maybe they did it of their own accord and that was the best they could do?

And the OP clearly does care. And she shouldn't.

Original poster
ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 19:44

Does op not care to not come back. I waited until bedtime to log on.

Firstly, the girl comes from a well off family, your right you don’t know people’s circumstances but moth Mum and dad are in well paid jobs and have 2 holidays a year - one in Florida. I don’t think someone on the breadline manages a month of flash holidays.

The scribble on the scrap of paper pissed me off the most tbh as I’ve babysat her on occasions and seen her colouring in and writing and it’s really good. Think she couldn’t be arsed.

Another child who attended gave daughter a painted stone she’d made. It was obviously made by herself and she was so pleased with it. it’s the lack of thought on the other girls Mum.
The fact the magazine toy is broken is another matter.
My daughter loved the handmade cards the best and showed me the toy and said it’s a shame it’s broken isn’t it Mum.

I’ve seen my dd churn out a scribble and try to race off to play etc and I’ve said sorry please let’s make it special for whoever’s Birthday. It takes effort and sometimes bribery on my part but at least it’s signed!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 19:52

Well then feel sorry for the child. Just because her parents have money, it doesn’t mean she is treated with great love and respect. As a parent in the girls mother’s situation, I would be thoroughly embarrassed. Don’t take it out on the child. Perhaps she expected her parents to sort something out and they didn’t and so she did the best she could in with the time and resources she had.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/05/2018 19:53

🔧 here is a spanner for your leaky tap

Original poster
ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 19:59

Don’t take it out on the child!

Er no, her ‘card’ got put up with the others. She is my daughters best friend and they get on well.

The party was yesterday to whoever suggested it was months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 20:02

Posted last comment before I could also add we both thanked child for coming to party. And in fact she was here today playing again.

I don’t treat any kids any differently.

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 06/05/2018 20:04

I'm too skint to buy a £2 toy, but I do, actually, normally a £10 toy, because anything less is shit, I absolutely dread my DC being invited to parties.

GoodFortuneAttendThee · 06/05/2018 20:05

I remember having to give school friends presents of my own stuff because my parents didn't have enough money to give me to buy them presents (not genuine poverty, alcohol addiction). It was embarrassing and soul destroying for me, and of course they realised I was regifting my own items, so it didn't exactly make me popular. I still feel sad when I think about it today. Please cut the kid some slack. They deserve that.

hibbledibble · 06/05/2018 20:10

It really doesn't matter op. The majority of birthday presents are plastic tat that are played with for a few minutes then discarded in my experience.

If someone turned up without a present, I couldn't care. In fact, I would put 'no presents please' on the invite if my dc would let me!

It's the parents, not the child either, so yabu.

Mischa123 · 06/05/2018 20:22

My children tend to invite children who they like to spend their birthday/birthday party with not who will bring the best presents. One year my DD wanted a friend to come but we knew her parents were struggling. I made sure to say that we wanted the child there not the present. She actually gave her a book that she had really enjoyed reading. My DD was very touched.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2018 20:27

Don’t take it out on the child!

Um do you remember the title to your thread?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/05/2018 20:33

It's the social expectation that in return for a party invite you take a gift.

Turning up empty handed, not issuing return invites etc is just rude.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/05/2018 21:02

Maybe our 'societal expectations' are out of place and need to move with the times? I think so anyway.

I look at the threads here now and they're just a motley collection of complaints... about shit that really shouldn't matter.

OP - if you had phrased your thread along the lines of, 'if you're giving a homemade card, an effort should be made' then you would have got a better response I think... if you meant what you said in your second rather than your first post, that is.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 06/05/2018 21:02

This makes me feel so sad. A few years ago I was utterly penniless & going through fairly major upheaval, and DD got a last minute invite to a party. No way that I could afford a card, let alone a present, but I hoped I could get away with 'forgetting' the present on the day, and then buying it a week or so later when I had a few quid spare. DD realised that I couldn't afford to buy a present without me saying anything, so she sat down and made a load of (admittedly quite crappy) paper dolls for her friend to take instead. I had no idea she'd done that.

The next day, the other girl's mum came up to me in the playground (I trembled, expecting to be asked why I hadn't brought the present with me that afternoon). The other mum thanked me, and had tears in her eyes, saying it was the loveliest present her DD had ever had.

Other mum & I are now good friends, and she knows the truth behind the present - it's now a tradition that my DD makes her DD a paper doll for her birthday every year (although I do add a card and small gift too now).

Imagine if the other mum had reacted differently to what my DD did.

Dieu · 06/05/2018 21:03

YANBU. When all is said and done, it is better to turn up with nothing than a free magazine toy.

Dieu · 06/05/2018 21:04

And the card sounds like a total afterthought.

GoodFortuneAttendThee · 06/05/2018 21:07

It's the social expectation that in return for a party invite you take a gift.

Turning up empty handed, not issuing return invites etc is just rude.

Really? Is that all you can see in this situation? I despair.