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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheapskate friend AIBU?

197 replies

ukulelelady · 06/05/2018 12:22

It was my daughters birthday recently and she wanted a party. Her friend turned up with a free toy from a magazine as a present.

The card was a crumpled folded over bit of scrap paper that was drawn on. (It was a scribble that I couldn’t even tell what it was supposed to be. The girl is 6)

I know it’s the thought that counts. When my daughter makes cards for her friends I say it’s to be neat and you’ve to make it your best job because a birthday is special. I wouldn’t allow her to pass off a scribble that would take her 5 minutes. I know all kids abilities are different but I know her friend and have seen her drawings etc. And as for the free toy, I feel it’s cheapskate. I honestly don’t care the value of gifts! Another friend made her a friendship band and I think that’s lovely to give homemade gifts. And another gave a colouring book. I Am interested to know who you think is BU? Thanks

OP posts:
mimibunz · 06/05/2018 12:53

Poor form, OP. From you, not the child.

KittyHawke80 · 06/05/2018 12:53

This has left me with a lump in my throat. Unless the child is a nutter, there’s no way she wanted to come to the party with something immediately identifiable as a magazine freebie. The inescapable conclusion, then, is that a present couldn’t be afforded. I hope you managed to school your features so a child wasn’t humiliated by your obvious disdain.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2018 12:54

ds has a friend who lives on the breadline. He doesn't give ds a card/present when he comes to his parties, his parents don't drive and he needs to be picked up and dropped off after which can be inconvenient when dealing with a party.

But he is a child, and he's a nice boy, and I like him, so I don't think too much about it and try to support him in the little ways I can. I certainly would not be a cow and judge him or his parents for lack effort, they will have much more on their plate to deal with.

Do you not like this child for some reason? Why are you being so unkind about her?

Tara336 · 06/05/2018 12:54

Have to agree with everyone else. You are not looking good here OP

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 06/05/2018 12:55

''I hope you managed to school your features so a child wasn’t humiliated by your obvious disdain.''

get real-as if a 6 yo would realise, it's more the mother.

Aylarose · 06/05/2018 12:55

I think it's reasonable to be disappointed with a free magazine gift.

If however the family is on the breadline/attending food banks/waiting for Universal Credit or something then it's probably the best they could manage at the moment. They might have deliberately bought the magazine/comic so that they could give your daughter the free gift.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/05/2018 12:55

............And I should have said dS(14) welcomes this child to his parties warmly without any gift, even when the boy apologies ds puts an arm around him and says its okay you are here and that's what I wanted.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/05/2018 12:55

"If they're that poor don't attend"

Why should a child be penalised and not be allowed to attend a party because of their parents hardship.
Are you and yours alright JackHmm

KittyHawke80 · 06/05/2018 12:56

IF THEY ARE THAT POOR DON’T ATTEND?!?!? That’s the spirit. 2018 Britain, ladies and gentlemen. If you’re poor, you’re going to have a lot of doors shut in your face. Might as well have the first of those be at a friend’s party, when you’re six. Unbelievable.

TerfsUp · 06/05/2018 12:57
Biscuit
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/05/2018 12:58

Your not sounds amazing, wings.
You're bring him up very well.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 06/05/2018 12:59

If somebody brought a very bad made card to your kid's party and a free toy from a cereal box you too would not be impressed as it shows a lack of respect.

No it shows a lack of money. That isn’t a moral failing.

if they are that poor then don't attend.

Nice. That’s twice I’ve had the same response to one of your comments in the last two days. You have a serious attitude problem.

People can choose to believe this or not believe it but I have friends with lots of money and friends with no money permanently, I honestly couldn’t tell you what we’ve all exchanged as gifts over the years other than our company. But I do know that if I told the poor friends not to bother seeing me my life would be massively poorer for it. And I don’t mean materially. I have good friends. I don’t measure them by what they give me once a year for a date on a calendar.

JacquesHammer · 06/05/2018 13:01

And as for the free toy, I feel it’s cheapskate. I honestly don’t care the value of gifts!

So you do care about the value of gifts.

if they are that poor then don't attend

So poverty is a moral failing for which children should be punished? Rather than adults understanding that not everyone can afford a present?

KittyHawke80 · 06/05/2018 13:03

I have very clear memories of being upset or embarrassed by various small indignities, when I was six. I went to private school, and was keenly aware that we were poor, especially when I went to other people’s houses. I suppose that might not be the case if one were quite thick-skinned with an tremendously inflated opinion of oneself.

shakeyourcaboose · 06/05/2018 13:04

it shows a lack of respect what an odd comment. This need for people to be shown what is being classed as 'respect' these days confuses me! old gimmer that l am, l feel!

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 06/05/2018 13:06

Yeah, you only respect people who you buy gifts that they deem to be the correct value. Hmm

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/05/2018 13:06

Boy not not. WTF did not come from. Blasted auto correct

Pandoraphile · 06/05/2018 13:06

I completely agree, OP. Well, maybe not the present bit (if really struggling) but it doesn't take any effort to find a piece of paper, fold it neatly and supervise your child writing a birthday message. It's hard to comment accurately though when we don't know anything of the family's circumstances.

SnookieSnooks · 06/05/2018 13:06

Well it’s a bit odd but who knows what happened. Maybe the parents are hopeless and that is all the child could muster up by herself. For example, my DC has a friend whose mum was an alcoholic. She eventually wdied of alcoholic poisoning but would not have managed to get organized to buy a present.
The mother of another friend of my DCs has serious mental health problems and would also often struggle to organize a present.

WomanEqualsAdultHumanFemale · 06/05/2018 13:08

I think people have missed the point of a birthday party. They’re for spending a couple of hours having fun with your friends. Not collecting pieces of plastic.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/05/2018 13:09

The child gave what they had to give.

Maybe the child's parents couldn't afford a present or a shop bought card or maybe they just weren't organised to get one in time.

The 6 year old still turned up with something to give to your child for her birthday. What would you have wanted him/her to do?

formerbabe · 06/05/2018 13:12

Yabvu.

Thank them the same as you would everyone else who attended and hope you're never in the same situation.

I don't know about other people's DC, but mine are so excited to see their friends at parties, they barely notice the gifts.

Pepperypig · 06/05/2018 13:13

OP do you know the parent well? Are they really short of cash? If not I agree that it does seem a bit cheapskate. Everyone on here is an absolute saint and never has a mean thought in their life. I had a friend once who I eventually drifted from because we had agreed on £5 each gifts for each other and our children for birthdays and Christmas. A few times the total of her gifts came to less than £5 between us all - she was taking the piss. And no, she wasn't short of cash - she could afford several holidays a year - just her priorities were different than mine.

Extravagant · 06/05/2018 13:15

I agree with you OP and reckon they probably forgot about the party until the last minute then cobbled something (anything) together.

Failingat40 · 06/05/2018 13:15

Well yes I see your point op.

It is a bit inappropriate and not the social 'norm' unless of course they are severely impoverished/asylum seekers/mental health issues.

I'm assuming since you obviously know the child involved that these are not likely scenarios meaning therefore that the parent simply couldn't be arsed to help/supervise the child make a proper card.

As for the free magazine toy, magazines aren't cheap and as a child I was never allowed one. If they can afford kids magazines they clearly aren't impoverished.

Could it be possible the child has been left to organise her own gift? Could there be neglect at home?

Kids parties aren't about the gifts no, but if you're taking your kid to a party please keep it classy. No gift is better than free plastic tat off a magazine!

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