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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD wasn’t unreasonable not to give up reserved seat?

408 replies

jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 11:26

Dd17 was getting the train from London to Edinburgh yesterday to visit her sister at uni (she’s just finished her internal school year 12 exams, and lessons don’t start again until Wednesday).

We obviously reserved her a seat. She arrived, got on the train, and sat down in her seat. The train was very busy, and a few minutes after the train started moving, a middle aged woman with a walking stick, having apparently wandered through several carriages (dd was in the front carriage) without finding a seat, looked around dd’s Carriage, then came up to her and asked her to move as she needed a seat (pointedly making a big deal of her walking stick). When dd pointed out that she had reserved that seat, and there was no way she was giving up her seat on a four hour train journey, the woman told her that she was young, and therefore didn’t need a seat as much as she did.

At this dd put on her headphones, and listened to music and ignored her. The woman eventually huffed and left the carriage. Dd said that she noticed a few other passengers giving her (dd) dirty looks throughout the journey.

Was dd being unreasonable?

OP posts:
helloflamingogo · 06/05/2018 12:19

I’m disabled, on a long journey I reserve a seat, if I’m not able to I find the conductor and speak to them. It’s not always easy but on long journeys there are assistance programs as long as you call 24 hours in advance. Life isn’t always that simple, but I’d never pick on just one person.

Battleax · 06/05/2018 12:19

It’s like an alternate universe.

A very callous one. I’m glad I don’t take trains anymore.

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 06/05/2018 12:20

Yes. Because she didn't ask any of the rest of the carriage according to the OP. She targeted one person.

helloflamingogo · 06/05/2018 12:20

No smeddum, she’s unreasonable for singling out one person.

crazycatgal · 06/05/2018 12:22

@Battleax How did the lady know she was a 'fit young teenager' though? She had no way of knowing if she had a disability. You shouldn't single people out when asking because some people will feel like they have to move even if they genuinely need a seat.

Bumbledumb · 06/05/2018 12:23

It is entirely possible that the dirty looks she was getting from other passengers during the journey were entirely unrelated to the seating incident. How loud was she playing the music through her headphones?

IceSwan · 06/05/2018 12:23

10 years ago I used to travel 6 hours by train twice a week with 3 changes.

Old ladies would always be in my reserved seat and would either huff or laugh when I told them but never be willing to move when I offered free seats.

So I'd have to bounce around the empty seats between the reservations

TrickyD · 06/05/2018 12:24

This reply has been deleted

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BrendasUmbrella · 06/05/2018 12:25

Dirty looks are unacceptable unless the entire carriage was elderly and infirm. Your dd was picked on, as others have said, because she was a young girl and the old woman expected her to be compliant.

BakedBeans47 · 06/05/2018 12:27

I'd ignore the small amount of virtue signallers that gave responded, if they were faced with a situation of offering a seat I'm sure they would also be suddenly looking out the window or studiously studying yesterday's paper/the free magazine.

Yep. I can’t imagine many people leaping out of their reserved seat to stand for 4 hours on a packed train.!

Pengggwn · 06/05/2018 12:32

Yep. I can’t imagine many people leaping out of their reserved seat to stand for 4 hours on a packed train.!

I have actually done this for a 2 1/2 hour journey. I didn't need the seat that much, compared to a woman with a baby. That isn't virtue signalling, it's just trying to be a bit nice instead of only ever thinking about myself.

Battleax · 06/05/2018 12:32

@Battleax How did the lady know she was a 'fit young teenager' though? She had no way of knowing if she had a disability. You shouldn't single people out when asking because some people will feel like they have to move even if they genuinely need a seat

I wouldn’t single someone out to ask if I were in that situation, I must admit. But it’s perfectly possible she did it with no nefarious motive. A disabled teen can say so (and generally disabled people don’t agree to do things that are impossible for them due to mild social pressure).

There are a lot of assumptions being made on this thread.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 06/05/2018 12:33

10 years ago I used to travel 6 hours by train twice a week with 3 changes. Old ladies would always be in my reserved seat and would either huff or laugh when I told them but never be willing to move when I offered free seats. So I'd have to bounce around the empty seats between the reservations

This is why people think they can get away with being rude CFs. I would have made them move or went and asked the train steward to move them on.

Battleax · 06/05/2018 12:33

Your daughter should have claimed to have a "hidden disability", as often mentioned on MN.

Can you explain that a bit TrickyD?

Why would you suggest that?

Stirner · 06/05/2018 12:34

@Pengggwn - not quite a four hour journey though is it, and it was voluntary. You weren't targeted by someone who assumed because of your age you should be compliant.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 06/05/2018 12:35

I have actually done this for a 2 1/2 hour journey. I didn't need the seat that much, compared to a woman with a baby. That isn't virtue signalling, it's just trying to be a bit nice instead of only ever thinking about myself

It must be exhausting playing Mother Theresa all the time Hmm

Soubriquet · 06/05/2018 12:36

If she had asked the whole carriage that's one thing.

But OP has made it sound like she targeted the daughter. Might have been wrong but that's what it reads like. This is what is unreasonable

Pengggwn · 06/05/2018 12:37

Stirner

That's true, 2 1/2 isn't 4 - glad the maths is on point Wink

I don't think we know why the woman asked the OP's DD, but, if it was because of her age, the reason is probably that a young person is more likely to be fit and well, so they are more likely - in theory - to be able to stand. I doubt it is more complicated than that.

Original poster
jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 12:37

To those wondering if it was the music that made the other passengers look at her, I really doubt it was, and she hates the thought of other people being able to hear what she’s listening to, so always takes her headphones off a few times to make sure it’s not audible to anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 12:38

*as

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 06/05/2018 12:38

Presumably since the poster has fired and forgotten they were not looking for serious answers.

I'd be ashamed of any child of mine who didn't help the woman find the guard who has authority to seat where there is usually some space, even if its first class. And yes, in the absence of any other seat at that age I'd have sat on the floor.

Squaffle · 06/05/2018 12:38

Well done to your daughter for being so assertive! I would have struggled to do so at her age. Having done that exact train journey very regularly, the woman would have had immediate assistance to find an empty seat from the train guard had she asked for it, although no idea why she didn’t book herself a seat! Very odd. Hope your DD had a great time.

Pengggwn · 06/05/2018 12:38

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit

Being nice isn't playing Mother Theresa. She ministered to the poor and sick of Calcutta. I stood on a train for a few hours. I don't want a medal, and I don't think being nice occasionally is more than should be expected of any of us.

Samcro · 06/05/2018 12:40

interesting first post.........!!!

Original poster
jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 12:40

To those suggesting dd could have helped find the guard, she hasn’t been on many long distance train journeys, so I doubt she knows that that is the protocol if someone needs a seat.

OP posts:
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