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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD wasn’t unreasonable not to give up reserved seat?

408 replies

jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 11:26

Dd17 was getting the train from London to Edinburgh yesterday to visit her sister at uni (she’s just finished her internal school year 12 exams, and lessons don’t start again until Wednesday).

We obviously reserved her a seat. She arrived, got on the train, and sat down in her seat. The train was very busy, and a few minutes after the train started moving, a middle aged woman with a walking stick, having apparently wandered through several carriages (dd was in the front carriage) without finding a seat, looked around dd’s Carriage, then came up to her and asked her to move as she needed a seat (pointedly making a big deal of her walking stick). When dd pointed out that she had reserved that seat, and there was no way she was giving up her seat on a four hour train journey, the woman told her that she was young, and therefore didn’t need a seat as much as she did.

At this dd put on her headphones, and listened to music and ignored her. The woman eventually huffed and left the carriage. Dd said that she noticed a few other passengers giving her (dd) dirty looks throughout the journey.

Was dd being unreasonable?

OP posts:
randomthoughts · 06/05/2018 22:53

I often get the train on this route and on busy services the unreserved carriage might end up reserved. I certainly agree that the OP’s daughter should not have moved. There are hundreds of people on that train who travel the route week in week out who could have advised the seatless passenger, or let them know tips for getting a seat (e.g coach f has the priority seats, so head there and try to get one of those). The guard should have been the first point of contact. Definitely not unreasonable,

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch · 06/05/2018 22:56

I have a "hidden disability" only with me I may be fine standing for 4 hours, or I could be crippled by searing pain three seconds later. While I look fine (overweight but hey ho) there is no way I would give up a reserved seat which I had booked.
If I hadn't reserved a seat I certainly wouldn't be giving someone the evils for not giving up the seat- my disability my responsibility.

Good on your daughter.

Cyberworrier · 06/05/2018 23:00

Your daughter wasn’t being unreasonable OP. I imagine she hasn’t done many long journeys like that by herself before aged 17 so probably wasn’t prepared for changes in her well organised plan (eg booked seat) and wouldn’t have known what to do or what would happen if she didn’t have a booked seat for the long journey. Shame on the adults watching who didn’t offer their own seat to the lady or help her find the guard, but really an under 18 year old shouldn't have been expected to step up because no ADULT was decent enough to, and so mean of them to give her looks afterwards. Grown ups, eh.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 06:38

BoneyBackJefferson

Because I wasn't asked about them. As you've asked now: they were twats too.

BlueBug45 · 07/05/2018 07:33

I never ask females to give up their seats simply because they may be pregnant and by the time they are out of that possible age range, they are elderly. (There are women who give birth late in life my extended family.)

I have however asked young men - I target couples and small groups when I've had lower limb injuries.

I think it's fine for 17 year old girls to refuse to give up a seat for a 4 hour journey, and think the disabled woman was wrong as she should have targeted those in the priority unreserved disabled seats in one of the carriages. When Virgin reserves seats for people they tend to leave these empty in each carriage unless someone is actually disabled, pregnant etc. needs them.

Also if you are disabled as long as you are there half an hour before the train leaves the staff can sort out someone to help you find a seat. Train companies do not want to be shamed on social media.

Billben · 07/05/2018 07:47

Good for your daughter OP. No way would I have given up a reserved seat and stood for 4 hours. The woman could have reserved a seat herself and not just try to bully a young girl into giving up hers. Hope my daughters have the guts like your DD when they get to her age .

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 07:54

Billben

Not sure it takes 'guts' to tell a middle aged woman leaning on a stick that she can't have your seat. Hardly Malala, is it?

SabineUndine · 07/05/2018 08:06

My, so many people on here saying they would give up their seat. Remarkable that nobody in this train offered then, isn’t it?

OP I am disabled and I wouldn’t dream of asking someone in a reserved seat to give it up for me.

BigPinkBall · 07/05/2018 08:07

I can’t understand why people are saying your dd should have helped her find the guard, to do that she’d have had to get out of her seat and you can bet it wouldn’t have been free when she came back.

The woman with the stick should have booked her own seat or spoken to a member of staff before boarding the train.

It’s really not on if you know you need a seat on a 4 hour journey, to just get on the train and expect someone else to give up their seat for you. I’m fit and we’ll but I wouldn’t dream of going on a long journey unless I knew I had a seat.

Lucky6266 · 07/05/2018 08:36

Very often on train journeys you can give up a seat but gain one shortly after once people get off so dd would not necessarily have to have stood for the entire journey if she had of given up her seat.

sueelleker · 07/05/2018 08:41

So the other woman could have waited for a seat then.

BlurryFace · 07/05/2018 09:12

I'm not disabled, but I do have a slightly buggered knee that's ok if I walk on it, but if it's kept in one position too long (and particularly if it's stood on for long) it can hurt like a MFer. So I would have refused to give up my seat on a 4 hr journey to gamble on getting another one before I'm in agony.

Furano · 07/05/2018 09:51

I wouldn’t have given up my reserved seat on the London-Edinburgh journey.

I might have suggested she went and found a member of train crew or try asking someone in the (usually) unreserved priority seats.

BewareOfDragons · 07/05/2018 09:58

Your DD was completely right to remain in her seat: she booked it and it's a 4 hour journey.

There was nothing preventing the woman from doing the same.

If everyone else was so 'outraged', I'll note they weren't outraged enough to immediately offer up their own seats. Fake outrage.

leggere · 07/05/2018 11:00

I don't see the point in ever reserving a seat then, if you can expect being asked to give it up? What's the point? Oh, and I'm in my 60's, visibly disabled and ill (before the self righteous do gooders start!!) Has everyone forgotten how embarrassing enough life is anyway as a teenager, without being singled out in front of everyone!! I bet the dd was mortified. The people who are at fault here are the older passengers who should have found a guard to help the disabled lady.

leggere · 07/05/2018 11:02

In fact, everyone above teenage age in that carriage, was a dick! (in my opinion)

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 11:04

leggere

No, the DD was within her rights to keep her seat. No one is saying otherwise. So, obviously there is a point in reserving a seat. However, she wasn't kind, and nor was anybody else.

leggere · 07/05/2018 11:19

Teenager Pengggwn? Remember those days, the embarrassment? If one or two of the older passengers had found assistance, then good lesson for the teenager. We all learn as we go through life and at 17, I wouldn't have budged either and I would have put earphones on (except don't think we had them in those daysSmile), just to shut out the embarrassment of it all. Five years and more later, I would have known what to do. It's as simple as that really. Older, wiser people were at fault here.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 11:21

leggere

I am not making excuses for a 17 year old being so rude to an older, infirm person as to put her headphones in and ignore her. No. Teenagers aren't babies and can take responsibility for their actions like everyone else.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2018 11:30

Nah, she was not being unreasonable. She was targeted because she is female and young.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2018 11:31

She did take responsibility, she refused to get up and put on her 'phones.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 11:34

expatinscotland

You know what I mean.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2018 11:40

'You know what I mean.'

No, I don't. She didn't give up her reserved seat. That's taking responsibility for her decision, arse remains in seat. Just because she wasn't publicly flogged because you disagree with her decision doesn't mean she didn't take responsibility for her decision. She sat in the seat, got to Edinburgh, got off.

leggere · 07/05/2018 11:41

Pengggyn. No, you're wrong. The dd did not ignore the disabled lady! She explained about her reserved seat and so on. Then it was the lady who ignored this and continued so dd put her headphones in. Then, all the other passengers ignored the disabled lady, choosing to glare at dd instead. Silent bullying! Therefore, the only one with any manners at all was the dd.

Pengggwn · 07/05/2018 11:42

expatinscotland

Okay, clearly you don't know what I mean. Let me be clearer. Another poster attempted to excuse the girl's rudeness and her selfishness on the basis of her age. I do not accept that this is valid.

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