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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DD wasn’t unreasonable not to give up reserved seat?

408 replies

jasminajasminda · 06/05/2018 11:26

Dd17 was getting the train from London to Edinburgh yesterday to visit her sister at uni (she’s just finished her internal school year 12 exams, and lessons don’t start again until Wednesday).

We obviously reserved her a seat. She arrived, got on the train, and sat down in her seat. The train was very busy, and a few minutes after the train started moving, a middle aged woman with a walking stick, having apparently wandered through several carriages (dd was in the front carriage) without finding a seat, looked around dd’s Carriage, then came up to her and asked her to move as she needed a seat (pointedly making a big deal of her walking stick). When dd pointed out that she had reserved that seat, and there was no way she was giving up her seat on a four hour train journey, the woman told her that she was young, and therefore didn’t need a seat as much as she did.

At this dd put on her headphones, and listened to music and ignored her. The woman eventually huffed and left the carriage. Dd said that she noticed a few other passengers giving her (dd) dirty looks throughout the journey.

Was dd being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Battleax · 06/05/2018 19:37

Maybe we should all walk around brandishing walking sticks and demanding people give up their seats, food, wallets... coats off their backs.

...I despair at current attitudes. So much entitlement, yet so little real compassion.

Hermes what are you on about? Shock

Idontdowindows · 06/05/2018 19:42

She only asked the girl. She didn't ask any of the others in the carriage. And what with their dirty looks, I'm very surprised (NOT) that none of them stood up to offer their seats.

anothergreentomato · 06/05/2018 19:58

isadoradancing123 that's a bit of an assumption though. Maybe she asked her because she was tired and couldn't walk much further so just gave up and asked then. Maybe because she thought she'd be most able to stand as she looked young. Maybe it was just because she looked friendly or approachable. There could be lots of different reasons why she asked her.

Nothing in the OP suggests the lady was bullying, just that she asked for a seat, pointed out her stick and said she thought that the OP's daughter might be more able to stand because she was younger. All of that sounds fairly reasonable.

Sorry OP, I'm not trying to have a go at your DD. I just think people are making some quite big assumptions.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/05/2018 20:40

I don't think your DD was being unreasonable not to give up get reserved seat.

But I'd be cringing if I knew my DC had stuffed headphones in their ears and ignored someone to avoid confrontation. This wasn't a weird bloke being overly affectionate, or someone threatening her - it was an older, disabled person with a walking stick.

saison4 · 06/05/2018 20:48

the woman told her that she was young, and therefore didn’t need a seat as much as she did.

she should have reserved a seat and apart from that, there are plenty of young people with invisible disabilities who may need the place just as much.

Smeddum · 06/05/2018 20:53

I also don’t believe for a second that the woman only asked OPs DD for a seat.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 06/05/2018 21:03

I'm actually really impressed that your DD insisted on keeping her seat. The disabled passenger should have asked an adult rather than a very young person travelling alone. The fact that she didn't makes me suspect she's a bit of a bully and thought she could take advantage of your DD's vulnerability. Experienced rail travellers (like me)would have got the guard to sort it out rather than give up their seat. I don't think I would have handled this as well as your DD when I was 17, but I know if I'd been in that carriage now, I'd have got up and helped solve the situation but not given up my seat. Anyone who says they would have given up their seat, I just don't believe you're a frequent rail traveller.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/05/2018 21:10

No one knows that the disabled woman didn’t ask anyone else for a seat. The OP says that she had walked through several carriages before she got to the one her daughter was sitting in so she might have asked many times.

I feel so sorry for this woman. Trying to negotiate a moving train is hard enough when you’re steady on your feet. When you need walking aids it’s incredibly difficult, causes you more pain and tires you out. People need to remember that everyone is an accident or illness away from becoming disabled.

anothergreentomato · 06/05/2018 21:14

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy it's fine if you don't want to believe me but I don't have a car and so am totally reliant on rail for travel.

I would give up my seat and walk down the train to try and find another one free. On a packed train I wouldn't bother, I'd simply stand in the corridor. It's true, when the guard came I would ask them if there was anywhere else I could sit, but I'd give up my seat first and accept that I probably wouldn't get another one.

RomeoBunny · 06/05/2018 21:15

To everyone saying ops daughter wasn't very nice, or was rude or any other number of things for not giving up her seat, or for then sticking her headphones in too... please do fuck off.

No one has to do anything they don't want to do... and as for suggesting she should have "helped find a member of staff" Hmm doubly please do fuck off.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 06/05/2018 21:17

Fair enough, @anothergreentomato but I don't think it's unreasonable NOT to give up your seat. If someone looked frail, I probably would let them sit in my seat while I looked for the guard, but IMO a 17 yr old girl is quite vulnerable in her own way, and should not have given up her seat.

DairyisClosed · 06/05/2018 21:19

Most of the people on that train wouldn't have been on it for the whole for hours. She should have explained that she was going all the way to Scotland and suggested that the woman asked someone else or found a gaurd.

Jonbb · 06/05/2018 21:19

I really hope some of you never become old, or disabled and unsteady on your feet. Shame on you for some of these attitudes. I used to be proud to be British, I'm hanging my head in shame at this.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 06/05/2018 21:19

To everyone saying ops daughter wasn't very nice, or was rude or any other number of things for not giving up her seat, or for then sticking her headphones in too... please do fuck off.

Forgive me for not taking your opinion on rudeness seriously, when you end it with a resounding "fuck off". 🙄

AJPTaylor · 06/05/2018 21:22

My dmum is 78.she often cannot reserve a seat on the train from london to thw west country which is her return leg because she often doesnt know exactly when she will travel.
She will ask the staff which coach has unreserved seats and where to stand for the best chance of a seat. On the odd occaison she has been scrummed out of a seat, she has not asked anyone to give up their seat but nearly always someone will offer her their seat, more likely to be a young woman/teen boy in her experience.

anothergreentomato · 06/05/2018 21:23

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy no worries Smile

Idontdowindows · 06/05/2018 21:25

I'm hanging my head in shame at this

Cool, you hang your head in shame, and as an invisibly disabled person I will either reserve my seat or find the special seats in the unreserved carriage.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 06/05/2018 21:31

I'd be ashamed to have brought up a person happy to let a disabled woman stand for four hours.

JamPasty · 06/05/2018 21:36

London to Edinburgh train will almost certainly have a carriage of non-reserved seats, which the lady could have gone to and asked for a seat (if she didn't book one, which she should have done). Daughter is not obliged to give up her seat just because the lady chooses not to use the two more-obvious ways of getting herself a seat

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/05/2018 21:46

Pengggwn

No, it is about someone with a physical disability being ignored when they asked for a seat.

You see it one way, I see it another, but if this is a true representation of your thinking then why are you only having a go at the OP's DD and not the other 30 or so people in the carriage?

Is it because the OP's DD is an easy target?

Whisperquietly · 06/05/2018 21:47

I’m going against the grain and saying your DD was U to sit whilst a disabled person was standing. Booked ticket or not, there was someone who needed the seat more than she did.

Total lack of empathy and compassion.

lostlemon · 06/05/2018 21:55

I think the wonan asked your daughter not just because of her age but because she is female. The wonan imo was wrobg and your daughter did the right thing. Uts interesting that the other people seened ti be disaproving if your dd but didnt themselves give up their seats.

The only thing that perhaps your dd could have done would have been to ask her if she had reserved a seat and say that she had reserved hers. Maybe suggwst finding the guard. However i expect people would then say that's rude.

OP, fwiw I would not expect my DD to give her seat up.

RadioGaGoo · 06/05/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

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RadioGaGoo · 06/05/2018 22:28

Whispersquietly. If someone knows they are going you need a seat, why wouldn't they book one? Maybe because they don't want to pay the extra money and just expect people to continually give up their booked seats for them.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 06/05/2018 22:37

It’s no extra money to book a seat, Radio - it’s free...