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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
snewname · 05/05/2018 10:23

What would you say to your children if they asked you which one of them you would save first?
You would risk assess instantly and save the one in more immediate danger or the one that is more likely to be able to be successful in saving, or the one closest or the one less able to save themselves. That would definitely depend on the situation. Dh would most definitely be last though as would I be.

NoParticularPattern · 05/05/2018 10:25

I think they’re different branches of the same love. I love my DH, I chose to be with him. We chose to get married, to make that lifelong commitment to each other and to have children. I love our daughter unconditionally- even when she’s being a pain. But without DH I wouldn’t have her so I don’t think I can really separate the two. I couldn’t ever say who I love most (which is a weird concept- I’m not sure how you quantify love) because without one I wouldn’t have the other. I think the love for your children is just another dimension of the love you feel for your partner. They are not things that can really be separated.

WilburIsSomePig · 05/05/2018 10:26

My love for my DCs is unconditional. I will love them until the day I die regardless of their choices.

DSD has done some terrible things over the last couple of years. Awful, awful things that I won't go into here.

My DH loves him regardless. He doesn't like him very much sometimes but he says that, of course, he still loves him. I have often wondered if he loves the lovely boy he once was, but I would never say that to DH, it's incredibly hard for him as it is.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 05/05/2018 10:31

newyear good job on successfully trying to alienate most of mumsnet in your post, I don't know if there's any thing you missed off there: step families, LGBT, divorce, cheated on wives (hence the wives not husbands) people who don't pick their partners up from the station... Confused

corythatwas · 05/05/2018 10:47

Surely in the burning care scenario, you are most likely to be in the seat next to your husband so if you could save him by just pushing him out you would do so automatically? Or if it is a question of getting to car doors, surely the sensible thing is to open the one closest- the one just behind you- first? Or are people going to be running past one screaming child/spouse because they're not first on the list?

As for burning houses, I would expect our youngest- the one who is 6 foot 2, does weight lifting in the evenings and is thinking of applying for the fire brigade - to save us all. My chances of carrying him anywhere are pretty well zero.

blackbirdsbeak · 05/05/2018 10:48

I love my dog more than my husband

Roomba · 05/05/2018 10:52

My mother used to say to us 'I love you, but your Dad comes first. He was there long before you were and he'll be there long after you've all left home'. She even said that if we all fell into a river, she'd rescue my Dad first for this very reason!

She really didn't/doesn't seem to like my Dad very much, so it said a lot about what she felt about us!

Now if she'd just phrased it a bit differently, I could sort of see what she meant. If she'd said it is a totally different kind of love or something. But what she said is just toxic imo.

blackbirdsbeak · 05/05/2018 10:53

Sorry, I meant to say that I love my dog more than I love my husband. This statement may not be popular but my husband is a tosser

Tinkobell · 05/05/2018 10:54

I love all of my family including the dog and the cat. I find questions of measure around that a bit distasteful and frankly academic. There's more than enough love to go around. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

clumsyduck · 05/05/2018 10:59

Pretty much every relationship Iv ever had has has ended in disaster and heartache . Relationship with my dc is easy and happy and full of unconditional love . I assumed this to be natural as we are biologically driven to protect them . there's not a chance in hell id put a partner above my dc. ever .

HollowTalk · 05/05/2018 11:09

Can people please remember that there are many posters on MN who've lost a child? To think you couldn't survive without your child is something we all feel, but some women have had to go through this and have had to survive, not least for the sake of their other children.

Lupercalia · 05/05/2018 11:10

I have my own children, my DSD and my DP.

My DP and I are deeply, deeply in love. We adore one another in a way I know is not always found.
I will never have a love like this again nor he.

BUT - our children are still children so they have the edge. Once they are grown and gone, I think that will change as it should.

I love them ALL unconditionally but I wouldn't stay with DP unconditionally.

dietcokemango · 05/05/2018 11:12

Ayelet Waldman wrote a controversial column about loving her husband more than her children;

mobile.nytimes.com/2005/03/27/fashion/truly-madly-guiltily.html

Dozer · 05/05/2018 11:16

Think it is a thing in some religions to encourage couples to put spouse even before DC?

dietcokemango · 05/05/2018 11:16

newyear good job on successfully trying to alienate most of mumsnet in your post, I don't know if there's any thing you missed off there: step families, LGBT, divorce, cheated on wives (hence the wives not husbands) people who don't pick their partners up from the station... confused

People who don't own a toilet brush.

flowermug2 · 05/05/2018 11:17

My love for my child is unconditional. It is eternal.
My love for my DP is conditional. A day could come when I don't love him anymore, or where the conditions are broken.

So I fail to see how anyone could even love their DC the same amount as their DP...

Turnitupdrhill · 05/05/2018 11:18

YABU. Space for lots of different kinds of love in my life and the love I have for my DH, DC and DSCs isn't ranked in any sort of order.

flowermug2 · 05/05/2018 11:19

My mother used to say to us 'I love you, but your Dad comes first. He was there long before you were and he'll be there long after you've all left home'. She even said that if we all fell into a river, she'd rescue my Dad first for this very reason!

Aye, because children are replaceable whereas your partner is not. Hmm

clumsyduck · 05/05/2018 11:19

That article - I mean it's all well and good but given the divorce rates there's what ... an almost 50/50 chance of splitting with her husband ?
Can't imagine ever needing a man as badly as she seems to need her husband .

I probably have commitment issues though to be fair GrinSad

flowermug2 · 05/05/2018 11:19

not aimed at* you btw Smile

Takemetovegas · 05/05/2018 11:21

I definitely love my children more. It’s the kind of love where I would sacrifice everything for their benefit. I know this because I had a cancer 4 years ago when my smallest DC was 1 (I am fine now and I have 3 altogether) and I bitterly wished it on him so that if my children had to lose a parent it wouldn’t be their mother. Not my finest moment and not something that I have ever told him.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 11:23

At no point has she said she needs to be loved more or prioritised over her kids. You’re making shit up and attacking her

She specifically stated her husband loved her more than their children and that's the way it should be.

We can all cope with it, clearly. but to think you should be loved more than your own children is beyond appalling. That's why people are shocked.

You should love each other equally but in different ways. Specifically stating you should be loved more than your own children is really unpleasant.

hildabaker · 05/05/2018 11:24

I love my kids more than their father and I always did. Next was my mum, then DH. I didn't tell him, of course.

PlatypusPie · 05/05/2018 11:24

The love between a couple is conditional though - it lasts as long as you both subscribe to it , and it’s not exactly unusual to have very surprised partners who thought they were with their soulmates, totes in love for ever, rock solid etc - until they weren’t. People change, circumstances change. I have been married for a long time and expect to stay that way but life teaches you that things can go completely sideways - maybe that lack of complacency makes us not take each other for granted, keeps an awareness of our independent agency and personal development.

My love for my children, now grown, is unconditional- it would have to be something cataclysmic to query that. Doesn’t mean I can’t see faults or not like particular choices they make as adults but it doesn’t affect my enduring love for them at all.

Idontknowwhatithink · 05/05/2018 11:27

Different and incomparable.

My dad has always said 'Your mum and I had each other before we had you and we'll still have each other after you've grown up and got your own life".

I think people make the mistake of allowing their children to take over their lives. The reality is, like it or not, your children may be the centre of your world but you are only the centre of theres for a very short time,

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