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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
strawberryalarmclock · 05/05/2018 09:01

@TheNavigator not necessarily, my dc have a stepdad and even in the all consuming days of early love, both dh and I were so cautious about their feelings.
10 years on, it's a family joke that dh is my second favourite person in the world and my dc joint first. When he says it to them I can see that despite their giggles, it's good for them to hear and dh is happy with his status!
I'm sorry to hear it was different for you, it can't have been easy for you.

ItchySeveredFoot · 05/05/2018 09:03

When I was pregnant with dc1 I told my dp if something bad happened during labour and he had to chose between me and the baby then he should save the baby (we were watching a dramatic film). He got upset and disagreed and said we could have another child but not if I wasn't with him. After she was born he told me I had been right. He would now sacrifice both of us to save our dds if necessary. To me she was already real while inside me but it's different for men. I have no doubt that he loves me deeply and that he loves them more.

howthelightgetsin · 05/05/2018 09:04

I agree with a PP that love for your partner is conditional and love for children unconditional, and that’s the difference.
My child could grow up into someone I dislike and I could hate some of their life choices but I doubt I’d be able to stop loving them.

TheNavigator · 05/05/2018 09:04

I am middle aged now, so it is all water of a duck's back for me, but it does make me a bit sceptical about the supposed all consuming mother love that is so idealised. I know women that have prioritised a new relationship over what was best for their child, but if asked I am sure would go on about home much they love their children. Words are cheap, stability is what is best for kids.

Babyplaymat · 05/05/2018 09:04

See I was the opposite. When I was due with #3 I told DH that if he had to save me or the baby to choose me...for the sake of the other kids. He was totally bemused. 😂

snewname · 05/05/2018 09:08

That's different baby I can understand that. You are protecting the children you already have a relationship over, above the baby you will have.
Baby#3 is different to baby#1.

zzzzz · 05/05/2018 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 05/05/2018 09:10

newyearnewme18, nobody cares about your needy marriage and your god vows except you. Bunch your own knickers.

I'm bloody grateful to have to self efficacy to love my children as they need to be loved without needing to be someone else's number one.

gameNight · 05/05/2018 09:10

It's completely different love.

I feel more protective of my children than I do of DH because he can look after himself.

Considering the paucity of English language to explain the feelings, I can only say I love them equally.

Mrsmadevans · 05/05/2018 09:11

It is not a competition and it is not something that can be measured therefore YANBU OP.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 05/05/2018 09:11

Vey secure actually. I made my vows in front of God and community and the children are a consequence of that.

Bwahahaha

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 09:11

I made my vows in front of God and community and the children are a consequence of that

Well eh no, they are a consequence of sex. And why do you feel the need for your children to be loved less than you?

Do you tell them?

Missingstreetlife · 05/05/2018 09:14

Unfortunately people do sometimes have to choose, and are criticised for not putting children first because they can't defend themselves. Partners can be replaced, children not so easy.
Medical situations rarely so clear cut, doctors will play a part and sometimes it's clear who is going to survive, not so much a choice

ScaredPAD · 05/05/2018 09:16

I guessed she was religious and probably evangelical Christian- id come across views like that when I was in that world (and usually taught by men of course. ;) )

My dad and grandpa are very old fashioned/Victorian and don't particularly like children . Dad's always favoured his partner whether it was my mum when we grew up or now his new partner. Its very clear children are second best or an inconvenience.

Whereas for us definitely kids come first.

It's amazing how many men when families split up focus o the new family and don't put their original kids first though. As a woman i could never do that.

User12879923378 · 05/05/2018 09:17

I don't love my husband less than my daughter, exactly, nor he me, but in the hypothetical burning car scenario we would both die or let the other one die to protect her. It's not about a hierarchy of affection. It's that she is our shared number one priority. I would never want to be saved at her expense and nor would he.

EvilEdna1 · 05/05/2018 09:17

Actually drs always save the mum not the baby. Partner would have zero say.

HighwayDragon1 · 05/05/2018 09:17

I love my DH and my DD, I couldn't say which I live more because it's different love. Though in a life or death situation I'm saving DD, so maybe that's the answer?

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 05/05/2018 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lifeisunjust · 05/05/2018 09:20

It's amazing how many men when families split up focus o the new family and don't put their original kids first though. As a woman i could never do that.

Some women do it too, agreed majority of those parents who do this are men, but most often the men don't leave their children and partners until they've replaced their partner with another one, so in fact the women who replace are just as selfish in putting themselves before the needs of the abandoned children.

Allthewaves · 05/05/2018 09:20

I could live and survive without dh. I couldn't survive if I lost my children

samarkand · 05/05/2018 09:22

There is a proverb. “The children of lovers are orphans”. I always felt that was true.

WilburIsSomePig · 05/05/2018 09:23

It works for us.

Ah well, that's the main thing. Doesn't really matter if it works for your kids though, they're not quite as important ...

WilburIsSomePig · 05/05/2018 09:25

I don't love my husband less than my daughter, exactly, nor he me, but in the hypothetical burning car scenario we would both die or let the other one die to protect her. It's not about a hierarchy of affection. It's that she is our shared number one priority. I would never want to be saved at her expense and nor would he.

My feelings exactly. Our DC are the number one priority for both of us.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2018 09:25

I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base
So if social services discovered something about him and told you could only keep the kids If you left him, you'd choose to lose the kids? If course that happens, kids get taken away from from parents because one won't prioritise their childs needs above their own either with a birth parent or new partner or even themselves. But if you think that makes the children MORE secure you're delusional. How secure can they be when they know you'd pick their Dad over them, trust their Dad over them, have their Dads back over them

BadTasteFlump · 05/05/2018 09:26

Hmm this thread has gone a bit weird but I'm oddly fascinated to know more about newyears situation.

Personally I don't think I could measure who I love 'more' out of DH & the DC because it's just completely different. Love isn't a rationed emotion you have to share out proportionately anyway. We've been together a long time, and still get starry eyed about each other, but that's a completely different love than the love you have for your own child.

Just be happy and enjoy the love, people! Surely making judgements on who ranks the highest (or lowest) can only lead to hurt feelings?