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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
Idontknowwhatithink · 05/05/2018 11:28

theirs not theres

JassyRadlett · 05/05/2018 11:29

I would die for my partner and with him, I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base.

My grandparents thought like this. Their children found it very sad, unsettled and insecure to always know that they came second to their parents’ relationship.

It didn’t work for them.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 11:34

Love and focus are two different things.

I've been with my husband 29 years. I love him very much. Our daughter is 20 and lives away at uni. I love her deeply and unconditionally. That has not changed. It is not a competition. And as said, if my husband ever said, or intimated he loved me more than our child, I would find it deeply disturbing and almost impossible to accept. I would view him very differently.

She is not clearly the centre of our world on a daily basis, because she lives three hours away, but she will always be our no 1 shared priority. I can never envisage a time where my love for her will wane.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 11:34

“Your mum and I had each other before we had you and we'll still have each other after you've grown up and got your own life".

That seems an unkind thing to say to DC: it implies that the parents’ relationship is the priority and assumes that the parents’ relationships with their adult DCs may be distant, which may or may not be what the DC would like.

SleepFreeZone · 05/05/2018 11:34

I would save my kids before my partner and I hope he would do the same. They are my blood, my heart, my soul, he knows I love them more than anything else in the world and he is happy with that.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 05/05/2018 11:34

I have seen a couple in my family who were so totally in love/absorbed in each other that their only child was often ignored.The child's basic needs were met but the child was often neglected & alone. The rest of the family thought that they should never have had a child as they were so totally enough for each other & did not need a child to complete their happiness. The DW in particular always put her DH first. When the daughter was older she became estranged from her widowed DM and went nc. Interestingly the daughter repeated the same behaviour with her only child, so I guess it was learned behaviour. It has been sad to see in both generations.

mastershelp · 05/05/2018 11:36

Actually there was an American Wifeswap episode where the parents said they were the ultimate priority for each other and the dc (who were the dh's stepchildren) came second. They often went away on weekends/holidays together and said something a long the lines of what newyear said, about providing the dc with a good foundation etc.

The dc were about 8 and 10 and very much knew they came only after the marital needs/wants of the parents. They felt unworthy, rejected and rather than having a rock st eady base, they had self esteem issues.

Pebblespony · 05/05/2018 11:38

I recently got a dyson vacuum cleaner. That's what I'm saving in the fire. (Just kidding, it'd be the cat).Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/05/2018 11:39

Sometimes I like DH more than the dc but I'll always love them more than him and he would say the same. Different kind of love though.

Blaablaablaa · 05/05/2018 11:48

I love my DH and my DS equally because we are a family unit ...I love them in different ways obviously.

At times we prioritise the needs of our marriage ( eg a weekend away without our son) and other times it's absolutely all about our child. To keep the family unit working you need to nurture all the parts - particularly the relationship between the parents because without that there's not much family unit left.

I'm even more starry eyed about my partner now we have a child.

Sallystyle · 05/05/2018 11:49

I don't know why people compare it.

The love I have for my husband is totally different to the love I have for my children. Why try to measure it?

I don't love him more or the children more. It's just different.

Audree · 05/05/2018 12:02

Interesting to see some people with adult children saying that a mother’s love becomes less exclusive as children grow.

To add another question: do you think you’ll love your grandchildren more than your adult children?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/05/2018 12:08

To add another question: do you think you’ll love your grandchildren more than your adult children?

No not more than, just as much though.

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 12:12

It's totally different love through so came be compared.
I love my husband so much I honestly would never ever recover if I ever lost him.
His my safe place, my rock and I love him intensely.

I love my children I love him even more for them !
They are my family and I love them in very different ways.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 12:13

Another question do you love your parents as much as your DP and DC?

If not, was it a waste of their time loving you more than they did each other! Grin

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 12:23

Sometimes women do have to choose between their partner and their DCs, because SS have told them that the DCs will be taken into care if they stay with the partner because of DV issues, or child abuse. In those circumstances, it should be unthinkable to put a man over your DCs. My DDs' birth mum was in this situation, a very volatile relationship with their birth father and she's constantly refused to leave him.

Tiredmum100 · 05/05/2018 12:24

I think it's a completely different love. I love my child unconditionally. If my dh were to start being abusive or cheating on me then I can see how I would fall out of love with him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/05/2018 12:32

Another question do you love your parents as much as your DP and DC?

A very good question especially when so often on MN a parent has done something against their adult dc wishes and the advice is go NC, or in the cases of in law problems the DP should be the one you support.

willdoitinaminute · 05/05/2018 12:49

I remember when my mum died, Dad said that it was harder for us(his dc) to deal with than him because we had never known life without her. Whereas he had known life without her before they met.
The world has always been divided into the selfish and the selfless.

IronMansIronButt · 05/05/2018 12:52

Partners can be replaced, children not so easy

Neither can be "replaced" Hmm

ChoudeBruxelles · 05/05/2018 12:55

I would choose to die in place of my son. Dh can take his own chances. Doesn’t mean I don’t love dh but my love for ds is very different

IronMansIronButt · 05/05/2018 13:05

The world has always been divided into the selfish and the selfless

That is oversimplistic untrue bollocks.

TryingToGetHome · 05/05/2018 13:08

I love my husband so much I honestly would never ever recover if I ever lost him.
His my safe place, my rock and I love him intensely.
This!
But I think dh would recover - he would fall in love again, maybe not as intensely - but he fell in love before me, he'd do it again, dh was my first love, I cannot imagine anyone ever taking his place.

Agustarella · 05/05/2018 13:22

I think my parents and grandparents love/loved each other more than they did their children, but my parents would never admit it. I can't relate to it at all. Especially as none of them seemed "in love" with their partner during the time I was around.

It's no accident that the OP has to go back to Queen Victoria for an example of this! The poet Laurence Hope was another.

Regarding older children, my first is now 17, and as taciturn and grumpy as they come. I don't love him any less than when he was an adored baby and toddler. I think some people even today just have kids because it's expected or because babies are cute or whatever - otherwise wouldn't their grown up child be just as loved as when they were little? It's sad.

WilburIsSomePig · 05/05/2018 13:29

I remember when my mum died, Dad said that it was harder for us(his dc) to deal with than him because we had never known life without her.

My dad said exactly the same to my sister and me. He was so crushed when she died and he mourned her as our mum as well as as his beloved wife.

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