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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 09:59

I would be very worried if my dh loved my dd less then me. I would be wondering how come he had failed to properly attach to her.

Regarding the love being different when our children are adults. That is interesting. I think that’s probably the cycle of life and appropriate to enable our children to live their own life. I feel differently for dd now than when she was a baby so it stands to reason my love will change again when she’s an adult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 10:00

Bluntness. Grin [ sad]

That’s about the size of it.

Piffle11 · 05/05/2018 10:00

@Pickleypickles I remember watching something on TV with my DM - I was about 8 or 9: in the programme someone said that people love their DC more than their husband/wife. I asked DM if that was true and she said 'no, I love your DF more than you. He will always come first.' I've never forgotten that, and agree that she should have just said 'yes, darling', even if she didn't mean it. Ironically, I think my DF loves himself more than he could ever love anyone else, so she backed the wrong one there!

jusdepamplemousse · 05/05/2018 10:03

Honestly can’t see why or how a comparison is needed. Totally different types of love.

Saying you would save DCs above your partner / vice versa - well yes of course. That’s part and parcel of being a parent (normally), that we sacrifice ourselves to greater or lesser degrees for our kids, it’s that TYPE of love, and biological imperative.

It doesn’t mean we love them more than our partner, just that it’s different.

(Obviously a generalisation and some people genuinely don’t love their partners / (sadly) their kids.)

pictish · 05/05/2018 10:03

What’s all the savagery towards newme for? Because she has a different perspective to some of you and you can’t cope with it?

At no point has she said she needs to be loved more or prioritised over her kids. You’re making shit up and attacking her for it. Stop it for fuck’s sake.

ConciseandNice · 05/05/2018 10:03

I really feel that a lot of the posters on here who are saying they absolutely love their children more than their partners only have young children. Once those children become adults it changes. It really does. And those adult children become invested in their own love lives and families and as you cease to become so important to them, they too change in their relationship to you. While you have young and needy kids it’s different. You just don’t know.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 05/05/2018 10:04

My children every time. I love my husband but our kids are our world. I must take after my Nan, as my mother’s has always been for her husband. Don’t get me wrong I get on well with my mother and she was a great mum in some ways, but I always found it a bit hurtful. My eldest sister is the same also it’s sad Sad

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 05/05/2018 10:06

Mother*

pictish · 05/05/2018 10:07

Concise I agree. Your kids ultimately grow up and leave and get on with their own lives, prioritising their own partners and children while mum and a dad feature in their thoughts less and less. As is normal and right.

I think it’s actually pretty astute and emotionally intelligent to ensure and and equally prioritise your partnership for future times when your kids have gone.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 10:08

What mother would want to come before her children?

have you never put the kids to bed early?

Have you never needed a break and took one?

Arranged a babysitter, so you can have a night out?

pictish · 05/05/2018 10:10

My kids are 16, 10 and 9 so I’m still very much in the kids-are-everything stage of life...but eventually they will go and my priorities will change I’m sure.

Seriously, stop having a go at newme - those doing it are making themselves look a bit thick.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/05/2018 10:10

A question was asked on Oprah Winfrey's programme many years ago of who you would rescue in a fire. I remember one woman saying it was hard to find true love of the romantic kind so she might never be able to replace her husband, but she could have other children she would love.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 10:10

This is something you should be very careful to avoid telling your DCs if it is true. My DM very obviously loved our abusive father more than us. I remember her actually telling us so. Now she's wondering why we never told us that he was sexually abusing DSis and me. As we saw it, she was putting him before us, so why would we believe it would do any good telling her?

Now he's long dead, but our relationship with her has been completely damaged.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/05/2018 10:10

I really feel that a lot of the posters on here who are saying they absolutely love their children more than their partners only have young children.

Or maybe mixing up love with protectiveness.

MissReginaPhilange · 05/05/2018 10:12

Love for a child is instant, primal love for a partner develops grows and needs to be nurtured.
I would never ever say I loved one more than the other as its incomparable why would you even need to. It's unspoken as parents kids come first and are the most important but doesn't mean my partner is less important now than he was before I had them. What a queer post

stargirl1701 · 05/05/2018 10:13

I love DH but it is conditional which I think is healthy.

My love for my DCs is unconditional. I will love them until the day I die regardless of their choices.

My Mum loved my Dad more than my brother and I. I found this a highly corrosive way to live. I would never put anyone before my DC's needs.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/05/2018 10:13

A question was asked on Oprah Winfrey's programme many years ago of who you would rescue in a fire.

And as I have said before a ridiculous question, unless you only have one child. What would you say to your children if they asked you which one of them you would save first?

PostcodeJack · 05/05/2018 10:16

My dad loves my mum more than anything or anyone in the world including his two (adult) children. I love that about him.

falang · 05/05/2018 10:17

I work with someone who said she would save her husband rather than her children in a fire. Her husband isn't the father of her children. I was shocked but then realised she's one of those women who hates to be single and feels she cannot function without a man in her life so that must be the reason why. Sad.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/05/2018 10:18

My love for my DCs is unconditional. I will love them until the day I die regardless of their choices.

Would you though. Or would you love the child they once were. Presumably many violent, ruthless criminals have had parents that love or loved them unconditionally at some point. Did they still feel the same after their offspring committed some heinous crime?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 05/05/2018 10:20

Very, very interesting viewpoints from parents of older children.

I might be the odd one out here but as much as I love my dc - which I do, deeply - it's not unconditional. There are things that if someone, anyone, did, I would not be able to love that person. I actually find the rock solid belief otherwise rather strange.

Aria2015 · 05/05/2018 10:20

I try not to think about it as loving one more than the other. No one should be made to feel second best. My dh was my life before having a child and will be my life after my child leaves home so it's important that he feels loved and appreciated. My child needs me - as in wouldn't survive on a deserted island alone without me, so if I had to choose which one got stranded on a dessert island alone it would be dh but it would still be a lose lose situation because I'd be broken hearted about it. I would never dream of making the comparison or verbalising who i love more to either of them. I want them both to feel like number one and not to question the place they have in my heart.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 05/05/2018 10:21

X post sweeney!

SilverDoe · 05/05/2018 10:21

I don't agree really as I don't think that 1) the types of love compare and 2) you can't quantify love.

The whole concept is extra sour and odd to me as DH's bat shit ex whom he had a child with was obsessed with this notion; insisting she loved him more than their son and then constantly claiming he loved me more than their son. It's very odd to even think on stuff like that. I love my partner romantically and I love my kids with the added knowledge that I am responsible for their lives and have that special parent - child bond. There is no need to try and equate the too or decide between them which is "stronger".

SilverDoe · 05/05/2018 10:22

Terrible grammar there, sorry Blush

I don't think you can* quantify love

There is no need to try and equate the two*