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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/05/2018 12:44

But the question was about who you love most. I love my DH and DS equally and my love for DH actually became more intense once we had DS and continues to do so as I see what a fantastic dad he is.

We both agree that DS comes first but at times it's important to prioritise our marriage - we really value our child free time together but that doesn't diminish our love for DS. it just makes us a stronger family unit.

PasstheStarmix · 08/05/2018 12:49

Blaa yes that’s was the question but you didn’t say who you loved most. Can you answer not be that love is different and it cannot be measured?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/05/2018 12:57

I've made it very clear that I love my DH and DS equally.

Of course that can be your answer but my answer is that I love them equally and, at times, we make our marriage a priority.

PasstheStarmix · 08/05/2018 13:06

Yes that was similar to my answer. You said the question was about who you love the most. I don’t think it has to be as equally is fine.

Inkanta · 08/05/2018 13:28

My love for my kids is a love whereby I want them safe. Their safety is my priority - before me or DH. So I believe I love them more than myself or DH.

TryingToGetHome · 08/05/2018 14:39

when you have a child it’s a very intense unconditional love you’ve never felt before I never had this, it's not a given, it's not something I have deliberately rejected...makes me feel quite envious that others have it. Are parents who haven't felt this way and somehow lesser beings, is that what people are saying on this thread? Just for the record my kids are still loved and well cared for.

PasstheStarmix · 08/05/2018 17:05

Oh TryingToGetHome that’s a shame you didn’t get that and you’re absolutely right it isn’t a given. You’re certainly not a lesser being. I think the point i was making was more about those selfish individuals who put themselves first. For example my friend’s husband felt she should put him before the dc.

1sttimemumm · 09/05/2018 08:06

Part of the reason your relationship with your partner is special is because you will eachover to love your children more and that will always connect you

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 08:08

Not lesser beings no, but I'd certainly be angry if mine felt that way about their love for me.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 08:11

In fact I'm pretty sure my mother didn't have that intense unconditional love, if she had that love then she wouldn't have been so selfish and shit

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 09/05/2018 14:43

Given the sad and rather depressing state of so many marriages/relationships I see now by middle age, I hope to god they all love their children more. Lupercalia, I wonder how much this is cause or effect though - because they’ve neglected each other over the years in favour of their dcs their marriage is in a shit state.

It is hard to go from being the centre of someone’s universe to being relegated. Of course if the children are both of yours and you have a common goal in loving and bringing them up, then it can strengthen your partnership, but too many couples neglect each other in favour of the dcs and then wonder why their marriage died. There has to be a balance.

PookieDo · 09/05/2018 14:52

As I’ve been a single parent nearly all my DC lives I only really know about my love for them so I can’t compare it to romantic love and would not want to. I don’t feel like I’m missing out though. I also feel very strong love for my sister and her DC

I could feel different when they are older and if I do find love, not love them less but they will be adults. It’s natural to feel so much love for small children

PookieDo · 09/05/2018 14:55

I had parents who didn’t love each other, that’s not the issue. It’s when your parents are selfish and don’t really love anyone other than their own interests and that can happen in a marriage or divorced parents.

PookieDo · 09/05/2018 15:00

TryingToGetHome

What makes you think you don’t have it, can I ask?
I don’t think it’s measured in absolutely wanting to cuddle the life out of children, or not finding parenthood hard. I don’t think you should feel envious, it’s just different for everyone.

I know I love mine unconditionally but it’s also scary and hard. It can make me anxious!

What makes people bad parents and therefore children feeling unloved is consistently selfish behaviour. Spending money on themselves and you going without. Never getting praise. being stuck in parental drama. Being abused emotionally or physically. Being rejected and pushed away, or being smothered and manipulated.

Unconditional love can be very complex

baxterboi · 09/05/2018 15:22

Read David Code, put your marriage before your kids.

Part of The idea being that marriage goes down the list of priorities once children arrive, often with detrimental effects.

Yogagirl123 · 09/05/2018 15:28

I love DH, I love my children. It is a totally different type of love which cannot be compared, I love neither more.

TryingToGetHome · 09/05/2018 17:57

@ PookieDo What makes you think you don’t have it, can I ask?

I had a rough birth, I didn't bond with them as babies, at the time I could barely look after myself and looking after two babies that were often poorly, with very little support was a hard slog, I didn't enjoy much of the first year - including the inevitable period of PND.
I did everything I was supposed to, playing cuddles, fed them homemade food etc but I didn't feel it in my heart. I was playing a role...faking being a mum if you like.
But it seems I didn't do too badly in the end - I now have very well balanced teens, who respect me, love me, are freely affectionate with me and trust me to do the right thing by them, they tell me everything, I am always here for them - always, they are hard working, polite and good fun to be with.
The love I feel for them has grown gradually, I have nurtured and cared for them and they want for absolutely nothing...but the love I have for dh is on a different level - like he is part of me.

PasstheStarmix · 10/05/2018 02:55

‘In fact I'm pretty sure my mother didn't have that intense unconditional love, if she had that love then she wouldn't have been so selfish and shit’

Flowemug2 I can relate to this as mine didnt have this yet I have it for my own dc m

PasstheStarmix · 10/05/2018 02:56

flowermug2*

PasstheStarmix · 10/05/2018 03:02

‘What makes people bad parents and therefore children feeling unloved is consistently selfish behaviour. Spending money on themselves and you going without. Never getting praise. being stuck in parental drama.’

PookieDo your words hit the nail on the head here. Infact I’ve never looked at it this way before and you’re spot on. I bet there’s a lot of parents that alarmingly fit the above description too.

flowermug2 · 10/05/2018 10:39

I would just like to say that what I previously said was not meant to put down the poster before me. Their kids are still loved and cared for.

TryingToGetHome · 10/05/2018 11:23

What makes people bad parents and therefore children feeling unloved is consistently selfish behaviour. Spending money on themselves and you going without. Never getting praise. being stuck in parental drama.

This was my childhood! My parents put us behind a lot of priorities, for my Mum - her career, cleaning the house, smoking, drinking vodka and arguing with my father, all came before caring for us, I think the only child she fell in love, out of 6 of us, with was my brother - he is the favourite and was always adored.

Despite not feeling the intense unconditional love when my kids were born, I have always had a very high expectation of myself on how I parent my dcs and these expectations have been born out of my particularly shit childhood - my mother's poor parenting her lack of love and nurturing are my motivation, I will not let history repeat itself.

Preggo82 · 10/05/2018 13:35

Yep. I love my kids more than my partner. I thought everyone did.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 10/05/2018 13:37

@preggo82 It's possible to love your children and partner equally

Preggo82 · 10/05/2018 13:48

Not for me but i can see that it is looking at some of the posts on here.

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