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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/05/2018 09:28

I could live and survive without dh. I couldn't survive if I lost my children
In the god damn awful early days of our DS's life I apparently told my husband I would not live without him (only child), and he knew I meant it very literally. I love my husband but with or without kids, he's someone who is magnetically attached to me, not carved from my heart rock

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 05/05/2018 09:30

NewYearNewMe18 after the reaction to your comments on this thread, perhaps you should consider a NewYearNewYou19?

DeadGood · 05/05/2018 09:34

"When I was pregnant with dc1 I told my dp if something bad happened during labour and he had to chose between me and the baby then he should save the baby (we were watching a dramatic film). He got upset and disagreed and said we could have another child but not if I wasn't with him. After she was born he told me I had been right. He would now sacrifice both of us to save our dds if necessary."

Itchy I'm sure you think this is a heart-warming story but I think you're on dangerous ground here. You'd fit right in over in Ireland though

IIIustriousIyIllogical · 05/05/2018 09:34

On the other hand, you choose your partner and you do it based on things that attract you.

Your kids can be complete arseholes, especially as they hit the teens (sorry, but it's true).....

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/05/2018 09:35

God this thread is just a snakes' nest of people ranking love and sneering at those who don't view love in the same way.

There is no numerical measure of love. We love different people in different ways. How can you apply words like 'more' or 'less' to something as consuming and complicated as love? It's senseless and judgmental.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/05/2018 09:37

What a bizarre thread. Love is a changing, evolving emotion and at different times in your life, different people are your priorities. I hate the who would you save type scenarios. I have 5 kids, how can I rescue all of them from a burning car or other such disaster, does it mean I love one more than the other if I save one but can't save another? Of course not. And even to say you love your children unconditionally actually most likely means until they do something that for you is totally unforgivable.

Elendon · 05/05/2018 09:41

Of course you love your children more than your partner. That is part of the package of parenthood. It doesn't mean you love your partner any less than before children came onto the scene unless they are not supportive.

snewname · 05/05/2018 09:41

deadgood I can't see what's wrong with itchy post.
That shows the power of love for your kids.

anniemagoo · 05/05/2018 09:42

I love my DD more than my DH. No contest. It's been like that since the day she was born.

To love anyone more than your child is just wrong.

Elendon · 05/05/2018 09:42

I compare teenagers with toddlers.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 09:44

It's that she is our shared number one priority. I would never want to be saved at her expense and nor would he

This is a very good way to put it.

As for new year being "religious", I don't know any religion which states you should make sure you're more loved than your own children, or you're children are loved less than you by their father.

Maybe she can elighten me with which god demands that?

NewYearNewMe18 · 05/05/2018 09:44

I wonder what newsyears relationship is like. I can't believe theirs is a normal relationship.

Judging by this board it is completely abnormal. We're married, to each other, we are opposite sexes, we have children (with each other, no extras), managed to so far be together for 26 years, with perfectly functioning adult children. And I , OMG shock horror, don't track my DH, read his emails, snoop through his phone, check his friends, we also OMG more shock, have a joint bank account. This is killer we also have independent friendships and hobbies. If I'm late home he picks me up from the station, ditto I him, and neither of us are cunty fuckers for asking. We believe in a joint and equal relationship. So yes, compared to most of this board, we are completely utterly abnormal. In the real world we are completely average. We quite like it.

PS - we also like each other families. That's really novel.

MoodyTwo · 05/05/2018 09:46

It's a different kind of love !
But my children will have left home when they are 18 (haha) and I will have to spend the rest of my life with my husband... I do love him more...I chose to be with him, I didn't choose what my children will be like , I love them but I don't have to like them all the time... but I love my DH always

pointythings · 05/05/2018 09:46

Love for a partner is conditional - oh yes, I know all about that. My STBXH was a great guy when we got together. Then the drink got hold of him and he wasn't willing or able to fight it. So after 6.5 years of fighting it, offering support, just trying to get him to see what he was doing to himself and to us - I found the love had just died.

In a way it's harder with children, because if that were to happen with my DDs, I wouldn't be able to walk away. I'd have to learn detached love and not enabling all over again.

Lastly, a word of caution. My DM's love for my DDad overrode everything. They were great parents to me and my Dsis, not a word to be said against them, but he was the greatest love of her life - greater than her love for us. And he has now been dead for 18 months and she has not made one iota of progress in recovering from her bereavement. She is deeply, constantly miserable and no-one can help her. Frankly, I don't want that kind of love.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 05/05/2018 09:47

I can't compare the love for my partner for my kids. I think I love the kids more, sometimes I think it's the same. It's because it's different types of love that it's so difficult to say.
But if it came down to it, the kids would always come first.

colditz · 05/05/2018 09:49

Ahhhhhh THAT'S why you feel you deserve more love that your children. I get it now.

BadTasteFlump · 05/05/2018 09:49

Of course you love your children more than your partner

Nope - as I said, I love them differently but cannot measure it any more than I can measure how much they all fart in a day.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 09:49

And I , OMG shock horror, don't track my DH, read his emails, snoop through his phone, check his friends, we also OMG more shock, have a joint bank account. This is killer we also have independent friendships and hobbies. If I'm late home he picks me up from the station, ditto I him, and neither of us are cunty fuckers for asking. We believe in a joint and equal relationship. So yes, compared to most of this board, we are completely utterly abnormal. In the real world we are completely average. We quite like it

WTAF? Eh so do we. I still don't feel the need to have my child loved less than me, or compete with them for my husbands love.

That's the big thags abnormal. The need to feel your children are loved less than you.

BadTasteFlump · 05/05/2018 09:51

Ha just read Newyears update. All is clear Grin

Yvest · 05/05/2018 09:52

I could live and survive without dh. I couldn't survive if I lost my children

I totally agree. In all likelihood I’ll lose my DH in the next few years. We have a strong marriage, and I adore him more than I could ever say but I can and will live without him. I’ll feel a terrible loss but I’m a strong and independent person who will build a new life without him.

I can’t even imagine living without my children. My love for them is so intense and overwhelming that there is nothing on this earth I wouldn’t do to save them.

Shedmicehugh1 · 05/05/2018 09:52

It’s ridiculous to try and compare romantic love to maternal love. Why would you? Does this mean you prioritise the one you love ‘most’?

No one should be ‘most’ or ‘first’, rather at times you need to prioritise one over the other, depending on the circumstances.

missyB1 · 05/05/2018 09:54

What a smugfest "who loves their kids most" thread this is. As pp said real love evolves, changes and grows through the years. Its not about "loving your dc more".

And as a 50 year old I can say, your dc grow up and leave home,they will have their own lives and loves. Make sure you have invested in your relationship with your partner over the years, you will hopefully be with them until the end of your days.

bobstersmum · 05/05/2018 09:54

What mother would want to come before her children? Can't really get my head around that @newyear

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 09:55

I'm just imaginging the conversation

"Mummy and daddy love each other more than you. We will always come first over you. If it's comes to it, we will let you die to save one another. God said this is right. This is your rock solid base to grow up with. It's important you know you're loved less".

Ffs.😱

TryingToGetHome · 05/05/2018 09:56

I love dh and I love my kids. Dh is my other half, my soul mate, we made our kids together, they are loved and their needs are met - does this need to be measured and categorised.
We don't always put the kids first - we put the person first who's needs are greatest and we make sacrifices for that person and every single member of our family is aware that that is what we do, we as a family have each other's back - we are a team!
Would save the kids first in a fire as they are our responsibility but I don't want to live with them for the rest of my life, I want them to have happy independent lives and I want to grow old and wrinkly and still be walking down the street hand in hand with dh when we are 80!

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