Loving your partner more than your kids?

[Windthebobbinup1982]

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

DS ces first then DH in that order. In a nutshell if I could only save one it would be my DS. Despite the fact that DH does so much for me and is a carer for me I'd still say I love my son more.
I would expect DH to save my son over me any day to. In fact after the Manchester Arena bombing I remember having a chat with DH about what to do if something like that would happen in our area and we were caught up in it. I told DH that he has to take DS and run and not to look back or come back for me. I'm in a wheelchair and would risk their safety. I wouldn't forgive myself if I held them up and something happened to either. But more important DS. I also don't want my son to be parentless and wouldn't forgive DH if he risked him to try to get me out or that he came back for me and left DS parent less. The love you have for a child should be unbreakable. I would never pick DH over DS. But would not expect DH to pick me over DS either.

I would die for my partner and with him, I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base

I know this is unpopular but I agree. 👍🏽👍🏽

Love is not something that needs to be measured like this. When I had my first child I worried I wouldn’t love it as much as DH. When I had my second I worried I wouldn’t love it as much as DS. Love expands to fill your life and the people you love. Of course in a life or death scenario you would choose child over partner (as I know DH would do too) because that choice actually comes out of the love you have. I don’t have to rescue DH from a burning car for him to know how much he loves me, and vice-Versa.

I've read a lot on it and actually it does give them a rock solid base. You seem terrified of something and I find that deeply worrying.

I agree, it's festishising and nauseating.

I'm glad I got out of church for a billion reasons but this is one of them. It certainly isn't how it "should" be in my mind. And is an example of how a non biblical teaching grows up in a culture to be a norm and commonly believed.

Like many on this thread my parents had each other/partners first always and it was v damaging . We know better and do better ...

I think @ConciseandNice worded it beautifully. I don't have adult children yet (mine are still young) but I have given this a lot of thought, mainly because of my own parents.

It's a crazy difficult concept to articulate. The two things cannot be compared. It's like asking, which do you like more - reading, or steak pie? (If you enjoy both!) They're two completely different things - one being a food, the other being a hobby. We tend to conflate the two because we call it "love", so assume it can be compared.

I always knew, growing up, that my DP relationship was of equal priority to our (me and siblings) well-being and happiness. My DM chose my DF - he was her soulmate, her rock, her heart, and partner in every sense of the word. But I knew that if DF ever abused us, he'd be gone in an instant. It would have broken my DM, but she'd have put us first. Similarly - yes, she'd have saved us from the fire, not my DF. I think it's because they made us - they made these precious little humans together. They both told us as kids that we were the best thing they ever did. How could they not then save us first?

My DF passed away over 20 years ago, which is why I'm talking about my DM's feelings, and talking about my DF in the past tense.

To suggest that I would be more important a part of my DM's life than my DF? I couldn't comprehend that, because it's just not right. My DM would ask herself the following:

• Am I safe?
• Am I well?
• Am I (or going to be) fine?

If the answers were yes, then you can bet that my DF would come first. And in my mind, that's the way it should be. I feel truly, and wholly loved by my DM, so there's no neglect or abuse.

I hope my own DC feel this way when they are fully grown. It's a great feeling. Relationship goals, and parent goals - my DP had them both covered.

What is fetish and nauseating?

But you are comparing humans you attest to love, differently, to reading a book or eating a meat pie?

I'm astonished.

My children have always and will always come first. My love for them is unconditional. When DS1, DS2 and DS3's DF became violent he was out the door. When DS4 arrived and his DF started to treat DS1, 2 and 3 differently and second best , he was gone. I loved my DH but he is an adult and self sufficient, my kids aren't and need my love and protection.

My DCs needs come before my DP, but their wants don’t necessarily. If they had their way I’d never go out for an evening with DP or for a weekend away. I don’t want to be a martyr and I would cancel plans with DP because the DCs would rather not go to their dad’s house for example.

When I’m not with DP I miss him, I text him, we call each other and my stomach does a little flip when I see his messages, even after 5 years.

When my DCs are away for the night I enjoy the peace and not being responsible for 24 hours! If I don’t see them for a few days I will of course miss them, but (maybe knowing they are safe and happy with their other parent helps here?) I don’t feel the desperate urge to be with them. Maybe because I’m with them 6 days out of 7 and only with DP a few days a week the feelings of missing him are stronger. My DCs feel more like part of me, I kind of take for granted that they’re around and that they’ll be back.

I wouldn’t cancel plans with DP because the DCs would rather not go

So I would say that obviously the love I have for my DCs is natural and right, but very calm and steady. The love I feel for DP is fierce and all consuming at times.

I think its really bloody weird to even think about it this way. You love them all, its not a competition.

winnestone
Children discovering that a parent puts their partner first would die for the other parent (and as the poster you are quoting stated) would gladly leave them orphaned does not give children a rock steady base.

Having love for your partner and showing your children that parents are very much committed to eachother, care about eachother and are there for eachother, however, does give children a rock steady base.

The former can lead to child neglect. The latter is more balanced and takes the needs of the children into consideration.

@Elendon, yes, that's exactly what I said. I said I love my family as much as pie.

Perhaps if I'd have used the worn "comparing apples with oranges" it would have been clear I was trying to say they incomparable. Except apples and orange are both fruit, so it doesn't go far enough to demonstrate my example. My bad - I didn't say, "this is my analogy:"

I love my kids to the moon and back - same as my partner. However, I don’t think you can compare as to who you love more as it’s a different type of love entirely.

Newyear you are a nutter! I feel so sorry for your children. Your children are a result of your love....they are your love... In the burning building scenario of course you should both save the children!!! They are the number 1 priority. By putting them first you are loving your partner because they are a part of you both.

I love my dh, I love my children. I wouldn't want to be without any of them. (most of the time ) And in an ideal world, would hate to choose between them.
However, our children are our main priority. We made them together, we love and protect them together, and put them before ourselfs.
I don't think i can measure the love of my dh or children, I just know that our children come first for both of us.
I feel that love and instinct get confused, as to when it comes to who you love most, and it's more that most parents instinct is to protect, care and nurture there children, in a way that you would never feel for anyone else.

I love my husband because I chose him and he chose me. We were together long before and will be together long after our children are in our home. I adore our children, but it’s all come from our initial love. Right now, they are WAY more dependant on me that DH, so their needs take precendence day to day. Ultimately though it’s important for us and the children than our family is built on our marriage and not motherhood/fatherhood.

So if your kids and your DH were hanging off a cliff and you could only save one, you would pick the DH?

I would die for my partner and with him, I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base

If I ever found out my mum would save my father before me and my siblings, in say a fire, I might be tempted to tell her I hope she wouldn't make it out anyway.

It’s quite uncomfortable to read people say they love their partners are more than their children. I love my husband more than ever but my love is conditional. My children less so, I may not like what they do, but they are part of me and I can’t imagine not loving them.

Flower. It’s hypothetical anyway, unless actually in a life/death situation onone knows how they would feel.
I’m inclined agree with your last post.

How ridiculous, of course it’s a different kind of love but it’s an equal love. No one is second best. There’s no competition for my love