Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/05/2018 14:32

@dietcokemango
I’d never heard it so just watched it on YouTube... brilliant Grin Exactly the kind of lyrics to appeal to my pedantic nature!

Elendon · 07/05/2018 16:18

Your children are not replaceable though. A partner is. As many a man knows.

Loandbeholdagain · 07/05/2018 17:02

In a burning fire, I would save my children because they are children and I would hope and pray my DH could save himself. It’s not because I love them more than him.

Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 17:05

@elendon I consider both my child and DH irreplaceable. My DH feels the same about me

FindoGask · 07/05/2018 17:10

Surely people feel how they feel. You can't argue that someone should love someone in a different way than the way they do - that's bonkers!

I also hate the 'who would you save' question. It's so reductive.

FindoGask · 07/05/2018 17:11

And no-one in my family is 'replaceable', for what it's worth.

Elendon · 07/05/2018 18:05

Blaablaabla My exh told me the same thing? Only he now has someone else who is irreplaceable. (And he doesn't really give a shit about his children either).

Elendon · 07/05/2018 18:06

If it came to my sister and my daughter to save, I would choose my daughter.

Elendon · 07/05/2018 18:10

If it came to my brother and son to save I'd save my son.

Elendon · 07/05/2018 18:10

My mother would not even be having this conversation.

Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 18:17

@elendon well you're projecting massively then due to your past.

I'm not talking about these ridiculous 'who would you save' scenarios but I genuinely feel that my DH is irreplaceable. He's the love of my life and I adore the bones of him. Even if he left me in similar circumstances to those you describe I'd still say he was irreplaceable. rven if I ended up meeting someone else that relationship would be different and wouldn't be replacing the relationship I had with DH. It's not a one out one in situation

Lizzie48 · 07/05/2018 18:22

I also hate the question 'Who would you save?' It's not about who you love more, it's about who most needs my help, and who am I in a position to save? I really love my DH but with the best will in the world he's 6'5 and 15 stone, so I wouldn't be able to drag him out of a burning building if I tried, but I would be able to get my DDs out. And that's what my DH would want me to do. If roles were reversed I'd expect the same from my DH.

Who actually knows what they would do in those circumstances?

Elendon · 07/05/2018 18:34

I'm not project BlaaaaABBBBALLLLLAA or whatever.

Not even massively. Grin

Hope that sorts out your projections.

Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 18:46

@elendon okay if you say so. You've experienced something that has tainted your outlook....we are, to an extent, a product of our experiences after all.

It's all a personal perspective. For me personally I love my DH and DS equally (differently but equally) and they are both irreplaceable. As I am to them

Mummymia2 · 07/05/2018 20:55

Totally different type of love, my love for my dd is unconditional but my love for my partner is not, in the nicest possible way!

Rumeameke1978 · 07/05/2018 23:30

@newyearnewyou18 I love you! Love your comebacks, keep it up, don’t let anyone bully you into thinking your perfectly normal life that you lived for 26 years is abnormal

Lupercalia · 08/05/2018 09:04

Given the sad and rather depressing state of so many marriages/relationships I see now by middle age, I hope to god they all love their children more.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/05/2018 09:27

I know of a couple of marriages that are in terrible states because it's blindly obvious the wife loves the children more and puts absolutely no effort into the marriage.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 08/05/2018 09:45

Children who are not self sufficient adults should be prioritised over ever one else surely! Not doing this does not make them strong it leaves them with attachment issues and affects the for the rest of their lives. If you think otherwise quite frankly you’re not a fit parent. As for loving DH or kids more. Totally can’t compare. Different types of love. The love I have for my children is intense fierce and unconditional. I’d take a bullet for them without a seconds thought, my DH not so much

Lupercalia · 08/05/2018 09:49

My DH and I are absolute loves and soulmates BUT I'd still save my DSD aswell as my own children over him.

They are children, we protect them.

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 09:53

I think the point is that pre children, you put your energies into your partner and your relationship, to build a bond and partnership. When you have children, that becomes the focus for you both and your relationship whilst needing stoked from time to time is naturaly more on the back seat as you jointly raise your children. As your children start to become more independent then you need to start shifting a bit of focus back into your partnership as this will be the day to day relationship when DC move on to have their own families.

So, it's natural to have periods of time when your partner and relationship takes a bit of a back seat. It's not really about who you love more it's more about where the focus of your attention needs to be. Partners who insist that they come above dependant children in the pecking order all the time are not someone I would be commiting my life to.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 08/05/2018 10:27

We approach it as a family unit. We all love each other equally and it is important that all members of that unit are happy. Of course we prioritise our child's needs but not to the detriment of our own relationship. If we are happy as a couple then we are happy as a family unit.

TwoDogs9 · 08/05/2018 12:18

For me at least everything changed when I had a child, I never realised I could love or care about anything SO much. It's crazy.

This is how I feel too.

PasstheStarmix · 08/05/2018 12:23

It’s a different kind of love, I love dh and ds the same but when you have a child it’s a very intense unconditional love you’ve never felt before.

PasstheStarmix · 08/05/2018 12:24

I agree with others in that children come first and if anybody disagreed with that I would think them extremely selfish and not a person I’d want to be around.