Loving your partner more than your kids?

[Windthebobbinup1982]

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

"Another question do you love your parents as much as your DP and DC?
If not, was it a waste of their time loving you more than they did each other!"

My parents have both passed away now but yes, I did love them as much as I do my DH and children. Surely most people do?

Waxon It was a flippant comment, in response to a silly question!

gfrnn what absolute twaddle, there are if anything more unplanned neglected kids around now than there ever were in the 60s and 70s.

I love my DH more than my kids. Yes I have that protectiveness for my kids and would save them first in a fire (even though they are mostly grown up). But DH is my love, we chose each other, we adore each other.

My four used to jokingly ask, "Who is your favourite, am I your favourite?" And I always told them, "No, you are all equally annoying; your Dad is my favourite." They thought I was joking, but I wasn't.

Well if the prevailing wisdom around here seems to be you're horrible and selfish to put your marital bond above the parental one, then where should your love for your own parents rank. I know some people who firmly believe a spouse should forever rank far behind ones own parents & children. That's ghastly to me. Not sure when a spouse becomes family in that paradigm?

shed I didn't see the original comment, I wasn't being arsey, I was answering honestly :)

It's a totally different love. With my children it's a deep animalistic protective force. I don't have that for my dh. I love him passionately but the kids come first and he agrees. If he said that he loved me more than the kids I wouldn't like that.

I feel so sorry for the children who have parents who love their spouse more. It's just not natural.

Besides, with the divorce rate at knocking on 50% It's very unwise/naive.

My mum always said put your husband first. Actually God first, husband 2nd, then kids in age order ;) She is married still but has a crap relationship with her kids TBH. I don't know whether she loved him more, or whether it was just a survival tactic after having come from a traumatic home.

I don’t feel that my husband is replaceable. DH tells the kids that Mom come first, and to always look after mom

I think the burning building/car crash scenario has less to do with who you love more than who is most vulnerable - at the moment I would save my toddler first as she wouldn't be able to get out herself while her dad and older siblings are far more likely to be able to escape. In 20 years time it might be DH who is incapacitated and I wouldn't expect to save my able bodied adult children over him.

I think balance is key and it's important to not prioritise one relationship to the detriment of the other. While it's true that children grow up and you're left with that relationship after they've gone, they will always be your offspring. My aunt used to always say to her children that her husband came first - they are still together but she has a strained relationship with her sons and barely sees her grandchildren. DM worked at the relationship with both DSD and her children, prioritising neither excessively, so she has a strong marriage and is on good terms with her children.

There’s one bullet coming,
You can leap in front of DH or kids.......

My children, but that's also not so much about who I love more - the instinct to protect your children is primal.

Puffy
Kids. Obviously. Dh can look after dd without me.

Mmebuttocks
Parents should come behind spouses. Caveat being unless said spouse is very controlling or abusive. Where this is inversed, adult children have often been pressured not to cut the apron strings.

I think age of children has a lot to do with this. When I was a child I felt my parents loved me more than they did each other (although they had/have a very strong relationship)
Now I am an adult I truly hope they love each other more than me, it would be too much pressure being the 'leading person' in someone's life with them not being my main priority.
In a burning car situation I would hope my dad helped my mum and vice a versa. I would be more capable of getting myself out

@TinklyLittleLaugh and yet the actual data on teenage pregnancy and unintended pregnancy show just the opposite of what you claim.

I agree with you stickThat

I think the quality of your relationship with your spouse comes into it. At least 50% of my friends have a fairly cold relationship with their partners, I'd be completely shocked if they said they loved their partners more. Dh and I are a team, we are rock solid, we look after our kids. It's us looking after them. The idea that you have control over who you love most is stupid, of course you can prioritise needs but it's often not that straightforward. Needs and wants - there's a difference.

@Puffy
“There’s one bullet coming,
You can leap in front of DH or kids”

This doesn’t make sense because if there’s only one bullet it wouldn’t hit DH and kids 😜

If it was heading for DH I wouldn’t leap in front. If it was heading for the kids I would. But if I had to choose between DH and myself I would choose myself. Selfishly I would want to live and if the kids could only have one parent I would want it to be me

Stick never underestimate the hurt that young adults setting out in life feel when they are left to fend for themselves.

Obviously as they gain total independence this changes but sometimes even stable adults have life changing events that requires the support of their parents.

You never stop being a parent.

I suspect some of the interfering MILs on here love their kids more than their partners.

Sadly a lot of women who love their partners unconditionally also blindly defend them, and refer to believe they could do anything wrong. They then don't believe their DCs when they disclose that they have been abused.

Saying you'll always stand by your DCs isn't always as simple as that. One of the people who abused my DSis and me was our brother. He's severely damaged by the past, he was also a victim, but my DM has put all her energies into helping him and as a result we're very low contact with them both.

I love dh as much as ds but it's not unconditional as it is with my child

Children over everything ultimately .
As in if you could only choose yourself ,your partner or your children to keep alive you should pick your children without question.
It is a different love for your children and although your children should come before yourself you need to make sure you take care of yourself physically and mentally as best you can even if it means putting yourself before your children in some ways.You can’t pour from an empty cup and all that !

Tinkly, I am not so sure. I think the interfering MILs on here would butt out if they loved their adult DC. I think they're just bonkers. My mum (happily married to my dad for 50 years) evidently put us before all else, but she couldn't be less of an interfering mother/MIL/Granny if she tried.

I always think its disgusting when a parent puts a partner first. One of DP's family members is obsessed with finding the perfect man and her daughter goes through so much neglect. If this woman does have a man, she gets really depressed and neglects her 6 year old.

I love my dp. But in a heartbeat my children come first.
Put it this way, if it was between saving him in a fire and saving my dcs. I'd let him burn. An if it isn't that way for any other parent, you don't deserve children in my opinion.
May be harsh but I've been through neglect and abuse for the same reason with my dad putting her his girlfriend first.