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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:

hungryhippo90 · 06/05/2018 23:05

No I completely get it. My first love, my first priority is my daughter,
Very different type of love, I love my husband because he changed my life in so many ways, but the love however it is for him, is nothing compared to what I feel for my child.

Fruitcorner123 · 06/05/2018 23:23

Faith7777 its unpopular because its not natural. its not the natural order of things.

i had a friend who.had oarents who I strongly suspect felt like you. She was a bit messed up and had lots of issues.

Being sure of the unconditional nature of your parents' love and the fact nothing will change that is something a lot of us take for granted but if you don't have that I imagine it makes a lot of things a lot harder.

Twounder1 · 06/05/2018 23:39

I'm really shocked at the few comments saying children aren't replaceable, true. But their partners aren't either.

If I lost of of my children, half of me would die. In a heartbeat. I've lost my flesh and blood. Someone I carried and laboured hard for and nurtured and watched grow up.
That's entirely different to someone you met later on in life who you conceived with. It's a different type of love. But you can replace your dp. Easily.

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/05/2018 23:48

My DB died when he was in his early 40s and I would be early 30s. I have never been the same again, part of me died the day he passed away and I've had to steel my heart as I couldn't cope with pain like that again. All through this all I could think about was as much as I was hurting about losing the man my DB was and my memories of him as a teenager, to my mum and dad it was their precious baby that they woke with in the night, dandled on their knee, took to school on his first day. I think that always has to be a stronger love. I never grieved properly for my Dad or Mum as I've still not gotten over my DB and that was over 20 years ago. I've no idea how my Mum coped as my Dad died 2 years after my DB.

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/05/2018 23:51

DHs Mum lost 2 sons and her DH in between. She didn't want to live anymore after 2nd son died and didn't last long herself.

Twounder1 · 06/05/2018 23:59

@wax, I'm so sorry. I lost my brother 3 years ago this month to suicide. It never seems to get easier.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/05/2018 00:02

wax what a lot of tragedies for you and your DH. So sorry to hear that.

WaxOnFeckOff · 07/05/2018 00:13

I'm sorry to hear that Twounder it doesn't does it? I think suicide adds an extra element too. A friend committed suicide a few years ago and the range of emotions you go through can't be described. I hope you find peace as they surely have.

and thanks Fruit there were more and it was a bad few years. DH and I were also struggling through infertility issues at the time. We then had our precious boys and I admit I am probably overprotective but then so is DH. They are entering adulthood now and we love them fiercely. And they know it.... neither of them has given us a days trouble, they are spectacularly well behaved, I keep waiting for the bubble to burst! :o

WaxOnFeckOff · 07/05/2018 00:20

What hurts the most is that my boys never had a granddad, they don't remember DHs mum as they just babies and they've only had one grandparent to spoil them and they've now lost her too. My mum always spoiled them a bit more as they were her only grandchildren that didn't have anyone else. She was quite elderly and was unwell for a long time before she died, they miss her a lot as do we all.

Anyway, I'm rambling now so I'm off to bed.

wendiwoowho · 07/05/2018 01:06

It is a totally different kind of love.
I think it's important to always remember your love for your partner, which a lot of people seem to allow to take a backseat after having children.
I love my husband and my daughter more than anything, they both know that. I don't prioritise my daughter over my husband either, there are no reasons too. I also don't need to prove my love to either of them.
My grandad adored my gran, their love for each other was so special, they equally had as much love for all their children, and the worst thing anyone could do was upset my gran in my grandad's eyes.

If I wasn't with my daughters father, I'm not sure if I would say the same though. I'm not sure why.

TryingToGetHome · 07/05/2018 08:23

Degrees of love - what a load of crap. If you are bringing your kids up in a secure loving environment where they know their feeling are respected, where they feel cared for, loved, protected - that is giving your kids a great head start more than a lot of kids get.

Shedmicehugh1 · 07/05/2018 10:19

wason

Shedmicehugh1 · 07/05/2018 10:20

waxon not wason damn autocorrect!

flowermug2 · 07/05/2018 10:34

I'm really shocked at the few comments saying children aren't replaceable, true. But their partners aren't either.

Really? I'm sure my grandmother thought that about her first husband, and then again about the second.

ILikeMyChickenFried · 07/05/2018 10:38

You can have another husband but not the same one again, same for children. It's not a very pleasant way to think about it.

SerenDippitty · 07/05/2018 10:39

I don’t see my DH as replaceable, but we have no children (not through choice). I can see from this thread how having children completely changes your relationship with your partner.

Glitterbug76 · 07/05/2018 11:11

I know a few people both men and woman ( including my mil ) who have had affairs and completely turned their back on their children to be with who they wanted to be with. I know some one who walked away from 3 children as her b/f wanted her not the children. Can't get my head around it.

StylishMummy · 07/05/2018 11:14

I chose my DH out of 3.5bn men on the planet, I adore my children and would die for them but I can't honestly say who I'd save with a gun to my head, as I can't imagine being their mum without him there to be their dad.

IronMansIronButt · 07/05/2018 11:15

You can have another husband but not the same one again, same for children. It's not a very pleasant way to think about it

Exactly. You can get married again, and you can produce another child. But that partner is not replaceable any more than that child is.

flowermug2 · 07/05/2018 11:18

FFS.

My mum chose a man over her own flesh and blood and I wish she was dead tbh.

GorgonLondon · 07/05/2018 13:35

I can't honestly say who I'd save with a gun to my head, as I can't imagine being their mum without him there to be their dad.

Wow so many thousands of women throughout history and today have had to raise their children without the father there in some societies that was even the norm.

there is something deeply twisted about saying that you wouldn't necessarily save your children over your partner. I would be horrified if either of my parents thought this way but I know that they don't.

Blaablaablaa · 07/05/2018 13:39

I really hate this idea that husband's are replaceable. My DH is the love of my life and I love him just as much as I love our child. Even if he did break my heart and we were no longer together that fact wouldn't change. I may end up with someone else but he wouldn't be replacing my DH as it would be a different relationship.

There's been lots of talk on here about parents choosing each other over their children....I've seen the opposite where women completely neglect their husband once they have a child - almost like they've served their purpose now. That's not healthy

NameChange30 · 07/05/2018 13:43

“I chose my DH out of 3.5bn men on the planet”

This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read. You chose him out of all the eligible men you’ve met. Which is a LOT less than 3.5bn

Are you saying you would choose him over your children or that you wouldn’t choose?!

I can sort of understand loving your DH more than your children, but in a life or death scenario, it’s a no brainer surely?! Evolution and the survival of the species dictate that our primal instinct is to protect the younger generation.

WhiteCat1704 · 07/05/2018 13:57

My DH is the love of my life and I don't want to be without him. I love him dearly and hope to be with him till we die.

I love my DS too but he is with me for a while only..I will hopefully do a good job with him and he will grow up to be a happy, capable, independent adult. Maybe a husband and a father one day..I would expect his DW to be his priority then..

With that said in a life or death, burning fire, scenario I would save DS..Not because I love him more but because he is young and helpless and at this point it's my job to take care of him and ensure he is safe. DH is a capable adult and much more likely to manage without me. I would expect DH to save DS over me too..for the same reasons..

dietcokemango · 07/05/2018 14:14

This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read. You chose him out of all the eligible men you’ve met. Which is a LOT less than 3.5bn grin

Have you heard If I Didn't Have You by Tim Minchin?

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