babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

[elderflowerandrose]

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

The littlest one always wants her mummy so maybe was missing me, they don’t know the extent of things we have played it down, but have been honest as they are too old to buy any white lies and are observant.

Thank you sunshine, dread doesn’t begin to cover it.
I can’t wait until it is over and I wake up and I am still here! 🥂

It’s times like this i wish my parents were here.

She is being paid to look after the kids. That should include making them some dinner and sending them to get showered and ready for bed. If she didn't do this, then there is an issue. You either spend some time going through what you need her to do for the kids or get rid and find someone else.

The great thing about mn is it really helps to focus the mind and hopefully I can find someone better for my little ones. Thank you everyone

This is a difficult life situation for you. For those saying 'tone down' for the children, I'm sure the OP would like nothing more than them thinking it's a huge adventure with sleepovers and just mum and dad popping off for a few days. Unfortunately clever 9 and 11 year olds often see through these type of acts that might fool younger children, and will often ask (or even be too afraid to ask) penetrating questions about what will happen and what the risks are. It is a hard time, no doubt. I bet if you ask about though you can find someone locally/school/local uni who would be happy to work for the previous sum for those weeks, it won't hurt to ask, I'd also price up and ask a childcare agency so you have options. This is a stressful time for you OP and although this might make you very sensitive, nothing about coming in to dog vomit trodden in by a toddler and kids who haven't eaten at 8pm is ok. You will sort this.

If it’s cancer related speak to MacMillan as they may be able to provide support. The hospital has patients groups and you won’t be the first person struggling with childcare so also speak to them.

Oh my goodness OP, I am very sorry to hear about this traumatic operation you have coming up - just to say I think you sound incredibly brave and NOT AT ALL unreasonable!

Your children's ages/level of independence is irrelevant - you paid someone you trust to do a job and they failed! To not have fed them is shocking, and to feed the dog sweets and then not clean up the sick is disgraceful (even without the sweets she could've just bloody done it!). It's awful that she knew what you were going through and paid your children no attention, instead allowing you to come back to sad children and a messy kitchen. Please get rid of her, and after 5 years please explain exactly WHY and what she did wrong. And very good luck with your op, I'm sure it will all go well.

Thespringsthething So you are saying don’t tone it down? The OP’s children are terrified to the point of hiding under their beds and making up stories. The fault is not with the babysitter - who they have had for five years. The woman didn’t spend the “ENTIRE" time, which was hours, slow kissing her three year old son - for fucks sake. The OP’s children are terrified and they shouldn’t be.

Some years ago I had an gamma camera scan which shows metastases all over my bones and marrow. Did I come home and scare my family with it? No, I never told them a thing. I talked to the three doctors who told me I had cancer - the radiologist, the specialist who ordered the test and my GP and we concluded it was only my bone sarcoidosis which can mimic cancer in a gamma camera scan. I was shaking like a leaf when I read the report and managed to keep my cool. My youngest son has always been very easily stressed and would have had a total melt down if I told him what the three doctors had told me. Somethings you have to keep to yourself and the OP will come through all this fine.

Many of us have had to stay in a hospital for several days when we have young children and we don’t talk about the dangers in front of the them. I have had 15 surgeries, most of them major btw.

I would get someone else you can trust. She’s taking the piss

£40 cash in hand for three hours work is enough for her to actively look after them. Not merely be in the same house.

charolais Everyone is different, everyone handles illness/surgery/life-threatening issues in different ways in their families. There isn't a 'right' way (sounds like yours worked very well for your family). Perhaps if the children are hiding under the bed, some conversations may be in order and might relieve tension, it's hard to know and that's why each family has to find their own way through this. I'm suggesting some potential possibilities (as suggested to us by various health professionals involved with our family).

I'm not sure changing babysitter is the way to go. The children sound very afraid and the one thing that can make them feel safer is consistency.

Am I reading it right that you’ll be at home by the time you’re using the babysitter? If so, I’d be much less worried about the babysitter, because your children would be able tell you if that haven’t been fed etc?

*they

Today 18:14 cansu

She is being paid to look after the kids. That should include making them some dinner and sending them to get showered and ready for bed. If she didn't do this, then there is an issue.
I agree with this. Posters saying your kids could have made themselves a snack etc are completely missing the point. The paid babysitter had plenty of time in 3 hours to make 2 kids a simple meal, ask them to shower and get their pjs on and have a nice chat/play a game watch some telly with them. Instead she took the money and did hee haw for it. I would be arranging alternative care. Don’t be afraid to ask more of your friends either. That’s what friends are for. Take care and all the best for your op OP. 🙏💐

Charolais

I have had just the same diagnosis as you three months ago, in my case it was not bone cancer it was bone marrow leaking. So yes I went through the same thing, and guess what my dc do NOT know a thing about to this day and never will !

Yes going for CT scans is horrible and all the rest but it is easy to
come and go and look the same ( even if you are breaking inside) this time I can hardly HIDE what is happening. It is going to be obvious with the wound and stitches and all the hell to come with the recovery.
So do you think I can hide the truth for several weeks hoping they won’t notice their mother lying in bed day after day?

My dd decided to lie under her bed because what she wanted was her mother, and what she had was a negligent babysitter doing her best parent routine to CBeebies whilst leaving that little girl starving under her bed crying for her mummy.
So you can say I have gone a full circle. I am not cross with the babysitter, I an INCANDESCENT
Come hell or high water that woman is NEVER looking after my children again.

Charolais
You sound like a strong woman. All children are different. As the daughter of a father, who had cancer treatment when I was almost in my teens, I wanted to know exactly what was going on. I was shut out and the whole thing down played. I found that far scarier and confusing. For me, knowledge is power and I value complete honestly highly.

I do, however, think there is a lot of anxiety in ops family, which needs addressing. Op said that she is down playing what is happening. Idk if this is a good or a bad thing. She knows her children best.

I agree, if it was me, I'd rather know, and they do need preparing in some degree.

Op, pretty sure I would feel like you do. She's not good enough to care for them - there was no 'care' at all. All the very, very best for your op and recovery and I hope you sort this childcare soon so your stress can simmer down

Fuckin' ell guys - what a hard time you've given this poor woman.

If you agree to babysit, whether for some money, no money, or a good amount of money, you

• make sure they eat at dinnertime (come off it! They should have eaten before 5??!? Plus there was soup to warm up! WTF! They're kids!)
• Talk to them and find out what they're up to, and treat all children equally - esp given the unsettling situation
• Clean up the dog sick - however distasteful

You might want to talk more to your kids to find out what exactly happened, but I think you need someone honest, dependable and supportive to help out during this trying time.

I wonder if your daughter was so upset and wanted her mum because she was scared about what you are going through and if you were going to be coming back because she doesn't know what's going on? Children do pick up on things and know/understand more than we give them credit for, and I think sometimes they need to know what is going on so that their minds don't wander thinking it could be something even worse than it is. Also, perhaps if they know how much support you will need then they may put their differences aside and not have so many arguments?

My other thought is about your husband, I get that he has a new job so is trying to prove himself but does his contract say he has to work 14 hours a day, every day, or is he just doing those hours to try and impress? I am sure if he spoke to his manager he would be able to cut his hours to something more normal, or even a bit less, temporarily without detriment to his position given your circumstances. In the long term, though, those hours and travelling will be hard to keep going even without the added stress of your surgery.

Thank you - motherhood can be hard at the best of times without this, and there are some of us that life is even more challenging. But we find a way to come through it all, our kids build resilience ( they know what a bad day truly feels like and if is not a bad selfie) and we carry on.

I can’t imagine how I am going to keep singing and smiling through the next few months. But by god I am going to find a way

It is most definitely the surgery and the thought of losing you that is upsetting them, not the actual babysitter.

Although seeing the babysitter with her child probably made them think of you...and could have made them upset if they’re scared of losing you. It was probably her dramatic show parenting combined with their dramatic thoughts of your health that triggered an extreme reaction in them. That’s normal- sometimes when I see my friends with their parents or random parents/children in public I think of my own family and compare situations.

I do agree that the babysitter wasn’t attentive though. She was clearly focused on her own son. However I think you can ‘train’ her into being more attentive surely? Even if you just tell her to leave her child elsewhere and make sure they shower and eat. I think going forward if you keep her on, she must leave her son if it makes your kids uncomfortable as she clearly didn’t balance her attention well

Whilst worrying about their mum may well have been a factor in how the OP’s DDs felt and reacted, the fact is that the babysitter, who was supposed to be there to look after them:

• spent her time interacting with and speaking to her own child in another language

• and fed him a snack but didn’t even offer them a snack in their own home

• let her child pull on their dog’s fur and feed it sweets to the point vomited.

I am not surprised the children were upset.

Elderflower - I hope you manage to sort something out. It sounds like the babysitter was ok for babysitting in the evening when she didn’t have to actively do anything or helping you when you were around but didn’t actually d any childcare this time.

You could talk to her. Ask her to pop in and list what you would need her to do after your surgery. Explain the level of help/work you are expecting. See what she says. But be researching other options too.

Bully for you Charolais, shame it made you into a martyr instead of compassionate