babysitter didn't feed my children....am I U or her?

[elderflowerandrose]

I was taken into hospital yesterday for tests on my heart. My dc were being looked after by our regular babysitter who also helps in the house.

She brought her son with her (he is 3) didn't mention it until I texted to check they were okay, I don't mind but she could have asked me.

I called my dc and both were really quiet and I was worried, when I got home at 8pm neither child had eaten anything, they were hiding in their rooms. There was dog's vomit on the floor, I don't expect her to clear it up but she could have at least put something over it to stop the dc walking through it as her ds did in the end. Kitchen was a state, music was blaring and she couldn't leave fast enough.

Both my dc said she spent the entire time kissing and playing with her son and didn't even speak to them. They were entirely ignored and hiding in their own house.

I have no family and she is booked for three weeks to look after my children when I go into hospital for surgery. I am having a major operation and I am already really worried. She was/has been so nice for the last 5 years I am really shocked she has been like this, it is like she is a different person.

I am not sure if I am being U because I am so worried generally, or if she is being U for not looking after them properly. I have no family so I am completely relying on her. I am out of action for six weeks in total and this is the last thing I need.

OP I am sorry to hear you are not well.

I had a read of the thread but maybe I missed it.

Have you asked the sitter what happened? Does she bring her toddler regularly, if you speak to her she can explain and you can explain how the children felt.

I think after 5 years and she has been good with your DC until now, if your honest and there is a way to resolve the issue. I think your DC are probably feeling very scared and insecure

Good luck with the operation.

Elderflower,

I don’t know at what point this site became so unpleasant that someone facing possibly life changing surgery and asking for support gets the third degree.

I also don’t get why expectations of the babysitter are so low. What responsible adult would leave dog’s vomit in a house with children?! It may be disgusting to clear up but living with it stinking is worse.

She should not have brought her own child without your explicit permission and she should have checked your children were fed. These are just the basics. Ideally she should have checked they were happy and had something to do.

Just sack her. No need to be polite about it; she has let you down badly. Then look for a kind compassionate babysitter, there are plenty around.

Good luck with your operation and recovery.

I think you need to call her a) to probe about how she thinks her babysitting JOB went, b) to cancel future arrangements.

But who cares what happened? Children not happy, not fed, dog sick left....bye bye!

The only issue is whether to try to reclaim the money but, as that will never happen, no need to go there.

The people on here saying get help from social services clearly have no idea how overstretched social services are! They would not offer any help where there is a DH capable of doing so if he took some annual leave or something.

I don't get it?

Your husband is there for 10 days. There is no reason he can't look after them. What would the surgeon have said if you were single? No op?! He should be with the kids.

After that you are home, yes most likely stuck in bed but they won't let you out of hospital until you can get the the loo on your own I'm guessing.

They are 9 and 11, they should be able to get dressed and ready for bed alone, put basic stuff in the own- if you haven't bothered to actually teach them to cook. Tbh I'd expect an 11 year old to be able to make family basics- omelette, pasta bake, bolognese etc. You will be in the house to prompt them. This will be a good opportunity for them to gain some responsibility surely they will be able to behave for a couple of weeks ad understand they must listen to you? Get some walkie talkies or set up laptop with webcams from your bed to where they are. They can sit in your room and do homework and hang out. And your husband is there from 7pm so you are not literally alone at all.

OP, I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Some of the responses here are awful too.

You are not unreasonable or overreacting. You paid this sitter a good wage and she didn't do the basic things you can and should reasonably expect to care for your DC. Not only that, she mistreated your pet, left the house in a state (who doesn't clean up vomit straight away - yuck!) and brought her child along without checking first. I think you need to terminate your arrangement with her (I wouldn't personally be worrying about upsetting her either).

Someone posted up link a very well-known childcare site - have a good look on there, there are different options ranging from mothers help to full blown nanny. The other alternative that you can consider for when you are at home recuperating is to hire an au pair for a few months. The benefit of an au pair is that they live in with you and can help keep the house tidy as well. To find an aupair you can use www.aupair world.com or an agency.

The last thing you or your DC need right now is to be worrying about a neglectful and unkind babysitter, but it is easy to solve - find someone more suitable. And you will have less to worry about as you focus on recovery. I wish you all the best

Have you texted the babysitter? I would text something like:

"I paid you to look after my children, not your own. Yet my kids say you ignored them and did not fed them, which is not acceptable when they were so upset and worried. You also left my house in a state. Your services are no longer required."

Have you asked the babysitter yet about what happened? Maybe she offered the children something but you don’t know that.

Babysitters aren't nannies. They generally turn up when the kids are in bed, and they don't do cooking, cleaning or care for sick pets and in return they get paid a low wage not much above the minimum wage, as you paid. If you want someone to do all of the above, you need a temporary nanny who is happy to do proxy parenting, but you would need to pay a higher rate. Or you could get your kids to do more and just have a babysitter. At that age, I was well able to heat soup and look after the family dog, so I don't think it would be unreasonable for the babysitter to expect the kids to heat their own soup instead of running around after them.

Oh sweetie - what an anxious time for you and your family. But babysitter did not STARVE your children, as you say. If she has been fine for the last 5 years, I would not be inclined to totally write her off. You may just need to set out your expectations and not have her little one there

I think you are right to feel that this babysitter does not suit the role you need for your children. Regardless of the possibility of it being a one off, you simply won’t feel comfortable with her now.

I think you need an older person, that your children will feel secure with. Would your local church know of someone? That way they could be on hand for the morning and evening school runs, collection from activities etc. They could also walk the dog. You need your children to feel that things are as normal as possible.

I care for elderly people in their own homes, sometimes staying over, looking after pets, light cleaning, menu planning, cooking etc, often giving their carer respite. What you need is fairly similar to this. You need someone caring and motherly, without treading on your toes. There are agencies that deal with this for the elderly, you could contact a few of them and see what they can do for your situation. I will say that it is an expensive solution though.

💐

I don't think my ds has ever gone for more than 3 hours without wanting something to eat!
She was totally out of order bringing her own small child who would need constant supervision. She should have cleaned up the dog sick because it was obviously the sweets that made him throw up.

Op, I am not a childminder but if it were me, I would have made sure the house was as clean as I found it. I would have asked the children if they had eaten and if they were hungry. If they hadn't eaten and we're not hungry, I would have at least made them some toast or something. I would have checked on the children to make sure they are ok and when I found one hiding under her bed I would have given her a big hug and reassured her that mummy is going to be Ok. I would have then encouraged her to come downstairs so we could do something together. They would have been ready for bed by the time you came home. Isn't this just basic caring for children??

Really sorry to hear you have so much on your plate , you must feel very stressed and no wonder. I live a long way from family support and I know how hard that can be at times when you need practical help.

I would speak to the babysitter face to face (not text) and be honest - if she reacts defensively then you can calmly explain your children were upset so you do need to talk to her openly about what happened. If you don’t feel reassured after that conversation , you will need a plan b and several suggestions have already been made about that.

Sending you best wishes - hope your surgery goes well and you are soon back to fighting fitness. Take care.

No matter what MNetters have decreed, the average 9 & 11 year old children would not be able to take this situation in their stride and sensibly step up producing healthy snacks and self comforting etc. People talk utter shit on here at times and it's just shameful to be berating and judging the OP and her children the way some of you have.

Babysitter sounds like she forgot your kids are old enough to actually pick up on and tell you about her neglect. You're not wrong and you're not overreacting.

Harsh,

Babysitters are paid to look after children, they are not paid to do their own thing. Sometimes kids are asleep and sometimes not.

The OP is not expecting her to be a nanny, merely to take an interest. I have used many babysitters and none have been as bad as the OP describes. Cooking is not normally a part of the remit but asking whether they have eaten and giving them a quick hand in getting a snack is.

Ultimately they are being paid and, for pay, they need to do something other than just being there!

In addition the OP is not asking for a critique of her husband or general childcare arrangements. He sounds like he is working extreme hard in a new job. It is up to them whether they want him to take time off or hire temporary childcare and she is asking about the latter.

A temporary nanny may be a better option if within the OP’s budget but few babysitters would behave as awfully as she describes, regardless of cost. Some of it is just about being a decent human being. I would not leave dog sick on the floor or children unfed even if I were paid nothing.

Harsh I think you missed the parts where OP said she'd explained to the sitter the expectations and also where she said that she paid her £40 for 3 hours work.

Not to mention the general common practice that you don't ignore and neglect children you are being paid to care for

No matter what MNetters have decreed, the average 9 & 11 year old children would not be able to take this situation in their stride and sensibly step up producing healthy snacks and self comforting etc

Surely though the ‘average 9 & 11 year old’ would be able to tell a babysitter that they were hungry, especially one that they had known 5 years even if they werent able to getting themselves a bowl of cereal for whatever reason.

Not if they felt she was unapproachable and they felt nervous, no. Not all children are confident and sure and able to speak up. I know I wasn't and I don't think my own children are either. It's quite hard, even as an adult to be assertive, yet children on MN are expected to. There's loads of threads on here where adults are struggling to assert themselves and get coached and boosted up by other MNetters.

I would definitely address this with the babysitter.
You've said you're not using her again so should have no worries about offending her but I think, to stop this happening with the next babysitter, you should discuss it with her as perhaps all is not as it seems.
I have to say at 8 years old I was making pasta and stuff though.

Babysitters may not be. Annie's, but if your child has made the dog sick by pulling at it and feeding it sweets, then I would expect you to clean it up, not leave it for the house owner to deal with (anytime - but especially if you know the house owner has. Den in o
Hospital for tests).

Spoke for spelling on phone but I hope you h deratand. Op is getting a very u fair pasting and third degree here.

Harsh you are just wrong.

The babysitter was paid very well to sit in the OP's house, play with her own child, and ignore the children she was there to look after. She was neglectful.

Haven't read through but Sitters or childcare.co.uk have always been good and I've found people at short notice before. You want to be able to totally relax about childcare. Good luck for your surgery.

OP try asking your friends - even offer to pay them instead. I'd happily help for a week or so in those circumstances and they could take turns.

MsGameandWatching

There may be some kids who couldn’t tell someone that has been their babysitter for 5 years years that they were hungry but I don’t think that would be an ‘average’ child.