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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
DevilsDoorbell · 04/05/2018 09:18

As everyone else has said, do not meet her in secret. Things won’t be sorted out and your dh will rightly feel unsupported.

Ticketsfrom · 04/05/2018 09:18

I would go and meet her, but tell your DH. Clearly there is some previous tension between your DH and his father, why else and something so minor in the bigger scheme of things escalated into you considering going NC with his parents?
Sort this out before it gets to the point where there is a permanent chasm between you/your DH and the PIL. Do you really want to explain one day to your DC that they don;t see their grandparents because of an argument over a broken glass??
Your MIL may be able to shed light on what the hell is wrong with your FIL at the minute.

Lkjem · 04/05/2018 09:18

Mil trying to exert power back by splitting up you and your DH closeness and return egg.
If you lie to your husband and accept returned egg you'll show mil who is most important to you her not DH. Not good.
Power games. Don't cave in.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 09:18

Agree with attilla. It's still all about fil and what fil wants.

By taking a stand your actually helping Mil as well.

GilligansKitchenIsland · 04/05/2018 09:19

I would show DH the messages and then invite MIL (sans pram) to meet the two of you together. Tell her you don't believe in keeping things from your DH and anything she wants to say can be said to the both of you.
FWIW I have virtually no relationship with any of my grandparents - though only one side broke down due to animosity; the other side live overseas in a difficult-to-access country. Children generally accept their own 'normal' (excluding abuse etc) and I think those who grow up without knowing their GPs and never know otherwise don't miss it that much. Your PILs would probably feel the loss more than your DC.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 09:20

Tickets...

It not for op and her dh to be ashamed of.

It wasn't them who tried to charge for a glass.

theunsure · 04/05/2018 09:20

I'd show DH all the messages and ask him what he thinks. It is his circus, his monkeys.

My own opinion is that you shouldn't meet - go NC for a while and see how the land lies once you've both had a chance to let this all sink in. If DH wants to resolve things, he can take the lead - it's not up to you.

I'm sure you can resolve things in a way that won't impact on your DC too much - but you've got loads of time for that anyway. Whilst you are pregnant you don't need this sort of stress in your life!
There is no ways on this earth I'd take the baby items back. No way at all - too symbolic.

Pettynotvindictive · 04/05/2018 09:20

I'd text her with: "you can say what you like to the boy you live with but I will be discussing this with the man that is my husband"

ohfourfoxache · 04/05/2018 09:21

You and dh are a team. If you do ANYTHING in secret you’ll undermine that.

Personally I’d reply saying that dh has read all her messages and that any further correspondence will be discussed with him.

The only caveat I’d place on that is if you genuinely think she’s in an abusive relationship - then she may need help

Mooey89 · 04/05/2018 09:21

Meet up with her, but do not keep it from DH.
You go into it with transparency and honesty or not at all.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/05/2018 09:22

Definitely tell your DH.

It certainly does sound like MiL is in a very difficult relationship / situation. I feel a bit sorry for her living with a man like your FiL

CampariSpritz · 04/05/2018 09:22

Thank you for the synopsis, User5trillion!

OP, I agree with everyone who said that meeting in secret is a bad idea. It will erode trust if your DH found out. I do think it is worthwhile telling him & meeting your MIL. It sounds like she is a pleasant person and is desperate to preserve relations, as well of course wants to see her GC when s/he arrives. As a another poster said, she has probably been trying to appease FIL for many years. My DM does this in respect of DF, who is difficult. It is draining & has cost her many friendships.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/05/2018 09:22

I think you have to present a united front with your DH. Tell her she can meet you both.

If you go down the clandestine meeting route, that will be your life forever. Your DH will be cut out of all sorts of meet-ups and decision-making, which is completely unfair on him. You will all be condemned to accepting and tiptoeing around terrible behaviour from FIL, as 'that's just the way he is'.

Clearly it will be hard for MIL to admit to your DH how things are between her and FIL. But it will be much harder for your DH now and for you both long-term, if you don't force her hand now.

FriendlyOcelot · 04/05/2018 09:22

I don’t know whether I feel sorry or scorn for the mil for enabling this kind of lifelong shit that has finally hit the fan.

GabsAlot · 04/05/2018 09:23

no dont meet wouldnt be a secret anyway would it in the end

shes trying to paper over whats happened and u say theres problems with fil and dh anyway

talk to dh see what he wants to do

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 09:23

Love it petty😂😂

Xiaoxiong · 04/05/2018 09:23

Almost 7 years ago I started a thread on here in the same situation with my FIL who I got on with so well, was so excited for his first grandchild's arrival, bought us all sorts of lovely things and then when the baby was born sent DH a series of poison pen letters just absolutely ripping me and DH to shreds. Juggling that with a newborn was probably the worst experience of my entire life - to see my DH who should have been enjoying his newborn son instead in tears, dealing with the fallout from his father was brutal and we will never have that time back. Luckily my DH was cut from the same cloth as yours and had my back completely. For him it was like a bereavement, the loss of the man he thought his father was. I once found him doing a night feed with the baby at 3am with tears streaming down his face and going all over DS's little head. It's bringing me to tears again just remembering it.

The only thing that worked was for me to entirely step out and go full NC with FIL, and let DH determine the level of involvement he had with FIL in future. All messages were opened and read by DH, and the response determined by DH. It took many years and they have slowly found their way back to at least being on polite speaking terms, but it will never be the same. FIL has never apologised and probably never will.

On that basis, I would say - do not meet with MIL on your own. Tell DH and let him decide whether your DH wants to meet her. This is for your DH to sort out with his family and your involvement will forever give them a stick to beat your DH with. Like my FIL they will blame you for twisting your DH's thoughts, turning him against them, etc. I think everything your DH has done so far has been spot on, his judgement seems very sound, so I would continue to let him decide the boundaries he wants to put in place with his own parents.

I know it's horrendous. I am teary just remembering the pain of those early weeks and months and the utter desolation on DH's face every time another letter arrived. But the boundaries DH asserted then have protected him and the rest of us ever since and it was worth it in that sense. Flowers for you OP and your lovely DH too - he's a keeper.

Goawaydailymail · 04/05/2018 09:23

pettynotvindictive I love that. I would add something like... my husband and I do not have secrets from one another. After we have discussed this one of us will be in touch

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 04/05/2018 09:24

@pigmcpigface - there is a facility to highlight the OPs posts. Can just scroll through then

cunningartificer · 04/05/2018 09:25

Petty—exactly! Well put.

I’d also recommend breathing space and whatever you do ensure you are upfront with DH who has backed you up throughout. ‘Boys’ shows how she is trying to infantilise him. I also HATE that idea that the girls can sort it all out together without those testosterone driven cavemen—just another kind of undermining of your adult relationship.

notapizzaeater · 04/05/2018 09:25

I'd tell dh and decide between you whether to go. I'd probably take dh with me tbh

PoorYorick · 04/05/2018 09:26

No, don't meet her. As others have said, united front and in the open. I'll bet anything your FIL would know about it and it's under his watch anyway.

What a horrible yet ridiculous situation.

RhiWrites · 04/05/2018 09:26

Give it 48 hours to cool down. Then meet with MIL (not in secret) but ask her to leave the expensive gifts at home, they’re part of the problem.

Happygummibear · 04/05/2018 09:27

Agree with most here. Don't meet in secret.

I would get the feeling your dh wouldn't want to not have a relationship with his parents.

Tell your dh if he is happy then meet mil and find out what she wants and what her explanation is for their behaviour... just make sure you treat it all with a pinch of salt for now. Explain how you and your dh felt over this whole charade... perhaps throw in that your family would never expect breakages to be paid for and this is new to you. Also how nervous you would now be in bringing their grandchild to visit in case of mishaps .

Accepting the pushchair would mean you are giving in to them. For the time being I would be reluctant in accepting any gifts and return the car asap.

I think the pil behaviour towards their only son is appalling. My DP have never been like this but I am guessing this is how the rich get richer cause they are tight with every penny... or perhaps they think they are teaching their son some important lesson...

I am wondering if the FIL is being dickish cause he son didn't want to be part of the family business and this is his way of holding it against him?

Original poster
pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 09:27

No, you are all absolutely right in saying that it would be very wrong for me meet up with MIL in secret. I now feel bad for even considering it; I guess I am just feeling rather desperate at trying to save what can be saved at this point, especially as I have no DP of my own nearby.

If I could take MIL without FIL I gladly would. I'm afraid it's a package deal though. It's been made clear on several occasions that FIL is the head of the family and controls what goes on in their home.. so I can appreciate that MIL is probably stuck in the middle and feeling rather desperate herself.

I will have a talk with DH later on about this and her messages. He was never close to MIL; it always bothered him that she would never stick up for him whenever FIL was treating him poorly.

OP posts:
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