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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2018 09:09

''The boys'' ..... 

That alone would put me off meeting her.

chocolateworshipper · 04/05/2018 09:09

Your DH showed you very clearly that he has your back, so I think you absolutely have to tell him that MIL has contacted you. If she doesn't tell FIL - that's her business. You and DH should decide between you whether you should go and what to do about the pram. Personally I would say that IF you decide to go, you ask her not to bring the pram on that visit, but you will decide what to do about the pram after you see how the meeting goes (IF you decide to go).

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 09:10

Never accept that pram back! Get your own travel system.

moofeatures · 04/05/2018 09:10

"Won't be much of a secret if you return with the pram will it?"

Very true. Is it possible that FiL has suggested MiL offer to meet, is relying on you to accept the invitation and pram, and inevitably your husband will find out when the pram returns (or they tell him) - making you appear deceitful and appreciative of their 'generosity', and giving ILs leverage to get him back 'on side'?

frozenmash · 04/05/2018 09:11

I was about to say the same as Lupercalia. You have to show that you won't be sneaking around behind anyone's back. Maybe MIL is just desperately trying to find a solution to this problem and she may have had years of sneaking about behind FIL's back if he is a difficult person. It sounds like you and DH are on the same wavelength which is wonderful starting point when you are about to have a baby.

Hobbes8 · 04/05/2018 09:11

So she wants you to meet her without telling your husband, but then come back with the pram/egg thing? How does she think that would work?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 09:11

"I think if there is a way forward here it would be mad not to try it".

The problem is that there is really no way forward. Its still all about FIL and what he wants; no other option or opinion will be acceptable to him (and in turn his wife who in turn is also wanting to appease him, a role she has herself perfected over many years).

Situbo · 04/05/2018 09:11

Don't meet up with MiL and do show your husband all the messages as he was very supportive and they are his parents to decide what kind of relationship he has with them. Any meet-ups should between you all at a neutral venue to discuss. Secret meetings with PiL should only be to arrange lovely birthday presents and not to "smooth over" arguments "without the boys knowing", I'd be mad if my husband did that to me.

It is sad to think they won't have a nice relationship with your child like you maybe did with your GP's but this is of their making. Yes, you broke the glass but it was an accident and you would probably have declined using it if you realised how much it cost and they would expect a replacement.

I would follow through on the original plan of returning the car and not accepting the "gifts" back since FiL thinks you expect these things especially if you can afford to do it yourself.

Good luck, there are no winners in this situation but the power dynamic is in your hands now so think carefully about your next move as if you concede now you may always be seen to be in their debt and they may well expect certain things of your child because "remember we paid for the pram/christening/bike/violin lessons" etc.

moofeatures · 04/05/2018 09:12

Or MiL could have thought of the plan by herself

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 09:12

"A synopsis would be useful"

What would be useful is if Mumsnet dragged itself out of the early 2000s, and put in a feature whereby you can see only the OP's posts.

TERFragetteCity · 04/05/2018 09:12

I suspect the FIL has blamed the MIL for some reason and told her to sort it.

PlumsGalore · 04/05/2018 09:13

I would also tell your DH, there is no reason not to, and it also re-enforces the position that you stand united.

If you and your DH think it is worth a meet up then go, but do tell her that you have told your partner and will be sharing any subsequent conversations with him.

shallichangemyname · 04/05/2018 09:14

Another one here feeling a bit sorry for MIL. Her offer to pay part of the replacement cost was clearly made behind FIL's back in an attempt to smooth things over - but it doesn't solve any of the issues. I would meet her, but only if DH agrees. And no Egg if you do.
There is the risk that she's just the messenger, but you can assess that when you meet. Don't allow her to minimise the absurdity of a guest being offered a drink then money being demanded when the glass is accidentally broken.

Tell her the decision to return the things was joint and you can't go behind it.

ScreenQueen · 04/05/2018 09:14

Whatev

Plsadvise · 04/05/2018 09:14

Why don't you make a time to see her and then you and DH meet up with just his mum? And try and talk things through the three of you without fil? That way you're supporting him to sort things out with her, rather than undermining him.

In my opinion you shouldn't take the pram back now or ever. You and dh need to say clearly something like: "we never asked for the pram, don't need it, and have in fact have already got our own travel system - we only accepted it in the first place because it was a kind gift and we thought that you wanted to buy something for the baby out of love.
Its now become clear that Fil mistakenly thinks we needed him to buy it for us and we're quite offended that the implication is that we can't provide for our own child. We would never have accepted it in the first place if we knew this was the reason it was bought - please take it back to the shop."

BerylStreep · 04/05/2018 09:15

Synopsis:

Op is 4 years married and 5 months pregnant. Was drinking a mocktail at PILS last week, who until now she has had a good relationship with. Broke the glass by accident and PILs swept it away and told her it wasn't a big problem.

FIL contacts op by email then text to ask her to replace it.

PILs very wealthy, Op and DH not and can't really afford to replace. It also turns out that whilst op and her DH had already bought a travel system for the baby, pils had overridden this decision and bought an expensive egg pram instead along with some other bits for the baby. Also turns out that DH has been driving a surplus car of FILs which he pays a fee for doing.

Op speaks to DH on his return from work. DH decides to replace the glass and give it to FIL as a Father's Day present and tells FIL. FIL comes back to say that if it is a Father's Day gift, then surely they owe him 2 glasses.

MIL sends message saying if they give her £60 for the glass she'll sort it all out.

DH flips, packs the car with baby bits including pram, and drives to PILs to return them. PILs refuse to open electric gates, so DH throws pram over the fence. Apparently things have been quite poor between DH and FIL for quite sometime.

FIL sends message saying he wants car back with full tank by Saturday and never to ask for anything ever again.

Mil has sent lots of messages, and has asked to meet op in secret to discuss.

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 09:15

I wonder how much of this is your FIL kind of struggling with the shifts in power dynamics that come with a new baby. He's going to be granddad, with your DH as the primary parent. It's like the succession of a new generation to a position of primary power. I wonder if he's not coping that well with this, and throwing his weight around as a result?

It's GREAT that your DH has taken the incredibly dignified and empowered attitude he has - it really underlines his independence and adult status. I would be very cautious about accepting gifts or favours from your PIL for some time; it strikes me that they are becoming a way to control you and even to humiliate you. You should, of course, control access to your new baby also until things settle down.

ScreenQueen · 04/05/2018 09:15

Whatever you do don't undermine your DH. I hope you both agree it's ok for you (or you both) to meet MIL, though.

Kintan · 04/05/2018 09:15

Reply to get FB message saying you are willing to meet but you’ll be telling your DH beforehand, and it’s up to him to decide about the baby stuff. At least give her a chance, but don’t let her railroad you into anything. Good luck!

aaarrrggghhhh · 04/05/2018 09:16

I really wouldnt feel sorry for the MIL whatsoever - enablers have their own massive role to play in facilitating dysfunctional families. She is treating your DH like crap.

shallichangemyname · 04/05/2018 09:16

And YY to the PP who suggested that when/if this is all over you give them as their next gift a set of plastic wine glasses!

SilverySurfer · 04/05/2018 09:16

Agree with everyone else, talk to your DH about whether to meet MiL or not and definitely don't take the pram back.

Good luck.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/05/2018 09:16

I wouldn't assume that FIL doesn't know about this. It sounds very "divide and conquer" to me. Plus, if you came back with a pram, your husband would feel betrayed by you and that's a really difficult thing to come back from.
I think you should refuse to meet her, on the grounds that doing so would undermine everything you have agreed on with your husband. He totally supported you, don't let him down in return. And of course, show your husband the message.

M0reGinPlease · 04/05/2018 09:16

No. Don't start doing anything in secret. Unless they want to discuss this out in the open then it won't get properly resolved, it'll only perpetuate their (frankly bonkers) behaviour.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2018 09:16

'Your FIL has behaved very badly - but going NC is so very drastic. I think if there is a way forward here it would be mad not to try it.'

That's for her DH to decide. She says FIL has been treating him 'a bit shit'. Maybe he's had enough of him.