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AIBU?

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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
Goawaydailymail · 04/05/2018 08:49

To ask you to keep a secret from your dh is awful. Not only putting a wedge between you and dh but why should he be cut out of decisions? Also stop trying to force an egg on you!

My mil tried that and I said we had no secrets from each other. It turned out she was going to say 'goaway didn't tell you? I wonder what else she doesn't tell you...'

MachineBee · 04/05/2018 08:49

Your DH has been brilliant. Don’t undo that by meeting with her on your own. Tell your DH and ask him what he wants to do. They are his parents and he may tell you more about his relationship than he’s told you to date.

You are about to become your own family unit. There will be tough times even without any of this rubbish from his DPs. Stand united and you’ll manage the difficult times. Your DC will benefit more from having parents who have their best interests at heart and understand boundaries and appropriate behaviour.

Pecano · 04/05/2018 08:49

Definitely tell your DH, there is no need for secrecy here!
I would just message her back saying you’d love to meet up for a coffee or whatever as you’d like to move past this issue. However you don’t want the pram back as what DH said still stands

Storm4star · 04/05/2018 08:50

I would tell DH but meet up with MIL. The people who are taking the attitude of tell them to F off basically, yes I can see why they’re saying that, but....this is your child’s GP. It would be so sad if in years to come your DC say “why do we never see GP” and you have to say “well...I broke a wine glass”.

Clearly FIL won’t change, is he a bit of an asshole? Yes. But, no ones perfect and I can see MILs position. She’s clearly used to bowing down to him and at their ages, this dynamic also won’t change. My DM is not a great GP, she wasn’t a great mum, my kids know that and they don’t expect her to be “wonderful” but they wouldn’t want to not know her at all.

What i’m Saying is that if you and DH can resolve this with PIL then I would. I wouldn’t cut off a set of grandparents over some stupid behaviour on FILs part.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 04/05/2018 08:52

Thanks for the update Pug.

As everyone else has said, you must tell your DH. Now, because I'm a paranoid old git, I would consider secretly recording the meeting. Yes, really. She may make all sorts of bribes and threats.

There is also another thing to consider. PIL is a shit. MIL may not be, but she's torn between a man she at least fears, and the well-being of her only child. I would ask her as gently as possible if she wants out of the marriage. I'm sure the initial answer would be No, but you can reinforce the message by telling her that she can see the GC on your terms but FIL cannot.

ItsNachoCheese · 04/05/2018 08:52

If you are going to meet her i would tell your dh beforehand

MsHomeSlice · 04/05/2018 08:53

You wanted his support on this and you got it, no shilly shallying about from your dh, I can't believe you would undermine him by smooching up to his mother behind his back.

No good will come of that!

I'd suggest a meeting with MIL with the both of you attending to sort this out and make it clear that her and FIL can gtf with their controlling nonsense and that you will see them both again once they have seen the error of their ways, and not one moment before.

Walk away with your heads held high and let them stew in the froth of their own foolish indignance.

expatinscotland · 04/05/2018 08:54

No, do not meet with her in secret. She's enabling your FIL and your first loyalty needs to be to your h, not your ILs. I wouldn't message her back at all just now. Show it all to DH and ask what he wants to do regarding his family and then you go it together as a team.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 08:54

Meeting up without the boys knowing is insidious in many ways

It's belittling your dh.. Implying he is a baby and being unreasonable.

It's splitting up your united front as you couple when right now you both look very strong and united which is brilliant.

It's underhand.. And also patronising.

And yes it's enabling fil by smoothing over his appalling behaviour.

If you decide to meet her make her wait a few days for a response... And without a doubt take and tell your husband. Even betters she can come to you.. And do. Not. Accept. The. Pram.

Make it very very clear actually you already chose one and only accepted the other one out of politeness.

Goawaydailymail · 04/05/2018 08:54

At the end of the day your dc has you and dh, you are your own little family. Dc doesn't need grandparents, if they have nice ones it is a bonus.

Please talk to your dh, don't tell him what you are going to do, discuss and agree together.

IAmNotAWitch · 04/05/2018 08:55

No, no lying or sneaking behind your DH's back.

He deserves better than that. WTF would his mother want to do something like that?

DH and I are a unit, we have each other's backs always, sounds like she wants to drive a little wedge in there.

Give them back their car and their glass and when everything has calmed down you and DH have a discussion about how they are going to fit into your lives.

I would recommend not accepting any more gifts, nor going to their house. Things are likely to be broken again either by a toddler/child and they have shown that they can't handle that sort of thing.

Jozxyqk · 04/05/2018 08:55

I would be inclined to try to remain on good terms with MIL, but the most important relationship is with DH. He has already proved he has his priorities right.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 08:56

She wants to make you all bend to fils will.

fc301 · 04/05/2018 08:56

Tell DH!
Don't meet her, back away and leave it to DH.
FIL is pulling her strings, she is used to minimising his behaviour as she has had YEARS OF PRACTICE.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 04/05/2018 08:56

I wizzed through your other thread this morning and it sounded to me like anti said, your mil has always known fil was like this and is in an awful relationship. The just give me GBP60 and I’ll make sure he gets the wine glass bit was very telling. Sounds like she’s desperately trying to salvage things. She may have shielded your DH from the worst of his father’s behaviour for years. Agree don’t meet in secret though. Do meet her but tell DH.

viques · 04/05/2018 08:56

could someone provide a synopsis please say 50 words or less! I read the bit about the fil and the precious wineglass but now there seems to be an egg, or a pram, or an egg pram involved too. Many thanks. think of it as today's good deed for the -lazy- slow readers.

WishTheGroundWouldSwallowMeUp · 04/05/2018 08:57

talk to your DH, see what he wants to do.

Also the "I'll bring the egg pram back" has DFL written all over it. and even if you said no don't bring it, she will in the hopes you are not willing to make a scene when she leaves it.

Goawaydailymail · 04/05/2018 08:58

Saying she would bring the pram annoys me because it is so undermining of dh's decision from yesterday. His opinion is worthwhile and should be respected

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2018 08:58

Really identifying if true

Are you ok with your pil reading?

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 08:58

Maybe he does have money worries and the.. Only the best for baby pram was actually sarcasm because Mil made him buy it or something

IvorHughJarrs · 04/05/2018 08:59

I agree you should not meet her without telling your DH. To do that would be to undermine his wonderful support for you.

Tell DH and only go if you both agree she deserves a chance (and even then tell her not to bring the pram!). Do not let them divide and conquer

JoeElliotsMullet · 04/05/2018 08:59

No way, she's a flying monkey in disguise!
Tell your DH, you need to stick together.

Your FIL sounds appalling. But at least he's shown you his true colours now before the GC get embroiled.

MarthasGinYard · 04/05/2018 08:59

All a bit odd with mil wanting to rock up all clandestine with the egg in towConfused

No way would I get drawn in.

mmgirish · 04/05/2018 08:59

What a terrible situation to be in. I don't think you should meet up with your MIL behind your husband's back. He supported you on this and you should show him her messages.

aaarrrggghhhh · 04/05/2018 08:59

Oh good lord she wants to meet you in secret! Absolutely no way!

I would of course tell your DH and then give him the space to decide how he wants the relationship with his parents to work and then support him in whatever he decides - obviously taking into account your views - which it sounds very much like he will do. If he is happy for you and MIL to have a separate relationship so be it - if not then also so be it.

Your poor DH - I suspect this is the culmination of many years of a massively dysfunctional relationship with his parents. How amazing that he grew up to not be complete fuckwits like his parents.