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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 04/05/2018 00:28

I’m so sorry OP

He was raping you. Do you have someone in real life to speak to?

FrancisUnderwood · 04/05/2018 00:38

I've had similar too.

The more I learn the more I realise i've probably been raped more than once and then leaned over and kissed them goodnight.

Terrifying.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 00:48

Of course he could have stopped - he chose not to. Floodgates don't exist. If he'd been mid orgasm he may not have been able to stop the flow. But that's not what happened here. He shoulsn't have been supportive after, he should have been repentent. That was rape.
So sorry this happened.

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/05/2018 00:54

Kick him hard in the balls and tell him it was 'mid-flow'

Ginkypig · 04/05/2018 00:54

The moment either partner says stop no matter what part of the sex act is happening or how much either partner has enjoyed parts that came before it or even how close they are to climax the sex should stop immediately!

Hidingtonothing · 04/05/2018 01:09

I'm so sorry OP but he chose not to stop, his orgasm was more important to him than your pain. Its really easy to minimise stuff like this, no one wants to believe their partner would choose to hurt us, but the fact is he did and youre left trying to figure out where you go from here. I'm not sure how to help you with that but you'll get lots of support on the Relationships board if you wanted to post on there. I hope you're ok Flowers

villageshop · 04/05/2018 01:21

I'm not sure what your question is: 'AIBU re those 5 seconds?' Unreasonable how? You are not unreasonable in feeling the way you feel, but hang on, take a big breath and think of the man you love.

This is not rape as I understand it: 'All was well, it was better than expected.'

Do you love your husband, OP? Do you feel secure in his love for you? I take it that you did, up to that point, consent. Were you trying to get into it and it was only at the last minute that you thought, NO!?

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth, carried on. It hurt, you wished he'd stopped, he carried on for 5 seconds. In the throes of passion he didn't realise this was hurting you, he thought, if he thought at all, I can't stop. 5 seconds later, he stopped. He probably thought that was stopping in response to you asking him to stop. It is not clear from your post whether you told him it was hurting, or if you just asked him to stop.

In the scale of your whole lives together, this is a small hurt to get past. Talk to him, tell him how you feel, tell him everything that you are feeling and let him listen and learn.

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity. Real life is not so black and white. Errors of judgement occur, and to let them jeopardise what could be a long and wonderfully happy family life is to cut off your nose to spite your face.

You know the man, we don't. Do you love him? Is he a kind man? Do you see that he meant you no harm? Men are often unaware of the physical changes to women's bodies wrought by childbirth. Teach him the reality, and if he's a good man he will understand and want to find a way to have sex that is good for you as well as him. But men need educating, in my experience.

I suspect what happed was down to him being unaware, rather than deliberately cruel or selfish. But only you know your husband, so trust your instincts.

SnobbyShores · 04/05/2018 01:28

Agree with everything villageshop said. Great advice. Hope you're ok op Flowers

youngscrappyandhungry · 04/05/2018 01:32

I broke up with my ex for this very reason, OP. He was doing something in bed that left me completely immobilized which I was NOT okay with. I told him once nicely, “no, let go, I don’t like that.” Approximately 15 seconds go by and he hasn’t released me so I yell “STOP” and shove him off me. Afterwards he couldn’t even give me a good reason for why he’d done that. He’d heard what I said but had still blown right past that boundary. I was never in any true danger but those were still the longest 15 seconds of my life.

What made it worse was that I had personal experience with sexual assault and he knew that. In the end, I just couldn’t trust him again and I had no interest in continuing to date someone I didn’t feel safe around. If there’s even a shred of doubt in your mind over whether or not he’d do that to you again, you need to get out for your sake and your baby’s as well.

timeisnotaline · 04/05/2018 01:34

I think I agree with village shop but my dh in this case would have to demonstrate that he really understood it was going to take a while for sex to be on the cards because of this- because you said stop, he didn’t immediately because he was enjoying it and you were in pain. How will he reassure you you can try again without being afraid of him hurting you?
( I think it took 9 months after having ds to be able to comfortably have sex, I was in a long recovery physio program post birth, dh was very understanding)

PositivelyPERF · 04/05/2018 01:35

Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen such a load of rape excusing bullshite in my life! Are you fucking kidding me? STOP MEANS STOP! It doesn’t mean would you please stop after you’ve climaxed, otherwise what the fuck would be the point of saying STOP?! He’s not a fucking dog. He has self control and, supposed, intelligence.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think you need to ask your husband why his pleasure was more important than your pain. His answer should tell you how important your needs and comfort are to him.

HelenaDove · 04/05/2018 01:44

OP im so sorry to hear this. He should have stopped immediately

I experienced painful sex during a ONS. He stopped immediately Because he wasnt a rapist. We barely knew each other and had only met that night.

This is your DH the man who is supposed to love you and have your back no matter what.

he was thinking of his orgasm instead of your pain. Thanks

imweirdandcool · 04/05/2018 02:01

The more I learn the more I realise i've probably been raped more than once and then leaned over and kissed them goodnight.

This.

LiquoricePickle · 04/05/2018 02:10

I think I'm with villageshop on this. You know your husband. Have you talked about it with him?

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 02:16

Village you seem to know this man better than op!
She started this thread because she knows something isn't right.
He didn't know that post birth she may not have healed fully?
Stop apologising for this act of rape. It is what it is. What op does about it is her business.

flumpybear · 04/05/2018 02:32

Although your husband was wrong, I'm eerrring more on the side of villageshop here. Rape isn't about sex, it's about control, sounds like your husband was more lack of control in that final moment. You know your history, if this is a one off bad timing, unlikely scenario and bad decision type situation then perhaps talk things through with him so if there's s next time you've maybe got a safe word so he knows you mean he must stop and perhaps climax another way/place etc

40isnew50 · 04/05/2018 02:34

I am with villageshop on this one. You asked him to stop but it took him 5 seconds to stop. You are the only one who knows whether he heard you, whether he has done this before, whether he chose to ignore you etc etc.

I was there after a horrific birth with my DS. It hurt. I asked my DH to stop. He did but only after I said it twice and pinched his butt! He was so excited to be having sex again he was utterly lost in the moment. He was extremely concerned about my wellbeing before and after. Would I say he raped me because he didn't stop immediately I asked him to? Hell no.

Only you know your husband and I think only you know the answer to your question....

Bummymum · 04/05/2018 02:37

I'm also with village shop.

thebewilderness · 04/05/2018 02:52

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open...

If this were true men would not use pulling out at that moment as a contraceptive method.
It is not true. Your husband did not care that he was hurting you.
That is a terrible thing and I am sorry to be the one to say it.
I am so sorry he did this to you. One hell of a way to smash the trust in a relationship.

calmandbright · 04/05/2018 02:54

Five seconds, written down, sounds like nothing. We say it all the time: ‘l’ll just answer this e-mail, it’ll only take five seconds’, ‘why didn’t you empty the bin, it’s a five second job’ etc. Those of you excusing the op’s DH - imagine you get a searing pain. Now count aloud five seconds. It’s a long time! It’s fucking horrid. I’d struggle hard to get over that tbh.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 02:57

The Stepford men want their wives back!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:00

village

I’m trying to imagine my husband saying ‘stop’ and me just carrying on because I was about to come.

I just can’t. The thought that he wanted to stop would immediately cause me to stop. The thought I might be hurting him or causing him distress would stop any orgasm in its tracks.

Because I care more about his pain than about my orgasm.

I know he would stop too. I have no doubt in my mind. That is why i feel safe with him, in a way I never have with any other man. I have had this kind of thing so many times, carrying on because his pleasure was more important than my discomfort/pain.

I’m sorry OP, this is awful. It IS rape. As soon as you said ‘stop’ and he didn’t, it was rape.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:01

“ I have had this kind of thing so many times, carrying on because his pleasure was more important than my discomfort/pain.”

With other men, I mean.

Ebony69 · 04/05/2018 03:03

I’m sorry that this happened to you, OP, but I completely agree with Village. The ‘rape apologist’ accusation is so reactionary. Some perspective here instead of such simplistic binary thinking.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:07

ebony

So what do women have to say to stop sex from happening when they don’t want it?