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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 07:26

He put his pleasure before anything else, he knew you were in pain and yet decided his pleasure was more important. For someone who loves you to do that is abhorrent. He didn’t fail to realise he answered and carried on

How was he supportive afterwards did he recognise the awfulness of what he did

Lethaldrizzle · 04/05/2018 07:26

Maybe op is down at the police station reporting her dh Hmm

Hiphopster · 04/05/2018 07:27

Pengggwn in reality the context does matter to individuals and will drive their views and behaviour. I don’t think anyone really believes this wasn’t rape. I’ve experienced similar but my responses to this being commited by a long term partner as opposed to a one night stand would be different. That’s reality.

Pengggwn · 04/05/2018 07:30

Hiphopster

I haven't said anything about how anyone should deal with it. That seems to be the crux of this, though. Because responding posters can't bring themselves to imagine that the OP will want to report this to the police and see her husband arrested and tried, because they don't believe what he did was 'as bad as all that', they are refusing to use the correct word for what he did. But that doesn't change what it was.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/05/2018 07:31

Good post from Mrsemcgregor.

I have some sympathy with villageshop's POV. But I can't possibly agree with her that this wasn't selfish of the OP's H. It absolutely was. I do think 'rape' is a 'big word' to bring into a marriage over this, BUT he put his orgasm above her pain. He did. There's no getting round that. And that would be enough to shake and upset me if it happened to me. 5 seconds is not a long time ordinarily, but it is a long time to be vulnerable and in pain. Being 'supportive afterwards' is a little chilling tbh - all very well to be supportive once he'd got what he wanted.

I think rather than focusing on the terminology of 'rape'*, if I were you, OP, I would be looking to have an extremely serious conversation with my H, perhaps guided by an outside agency (counsellor or similar), about what happened and how you felt. Before this I would be reflecting on whether there has been anything in his behaviour to date or his attitude to sex that was similar to this.

*Because I think defining whether this was or wasn't rape isn't the issue here. What it definitely was was the crossing of a boundary of yours and the prioritisation of his pleasure over your pain. You need to be able to trust him and his respect for you in order to happily have sex with him again, and he has shown you that, at the moment at least, you can't.

Liesmyparentstoldme · 04/05/2018 07:31

If someone says stop, and the other person carries on. That is the definition of rape.

Penetration without consent is rape.

As someone else said above.To the posters who think in this situation rape didn't occur. What is your definition of rape?

DragonMummy1418 · 04/05/2018 07:31

You all discussing this on here is fine and well but this is a real person with a real marriage.
If he's a good man and husband normally and this was just a slip up of good judgement (this is not rape imo) then I'd have a good chat with him about how it had hurt and it will be a while before you do it again and stop next time but I certainly wouldn't throw away a marriage and a life over it.

hooochycoo · 04/05/2018 07:31

All the «you’re husband raped you» with some flower emojis posts are sickeningly sensationalist. I’m thinking of you all ringing her doorbell with a bunch of flowers saying the same and then walking off. Leaving her reeling. I don’t Understand the compulsion.

OP, only you know the context. Only you know your relationship. The fact you’ve posted here about this perhaps suggests there’s more to this..... do you need to talk? Go to see your doctor, your counselled, your mum, your sister, your best friend, your priest. Talk to folk who know you and your context and can help you figure it out and support you through it. Aibu can be useful for many things, but this subject is too much for it. It’s too reactionary, too binary, too agressive . If your can’t talk to real life folk because it’s too private, then the Samaritans, women’s aid etc. And ofcourse if you feel you can, your husband.

Lots of love x this must be a hard thread to read x

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 07:37

OP - if you’re reading this - please listen to @DragonMummy and @Hooochy - they’re talking a lot of sense.

bellsbuss · 04/05/2018 07:37

I agree with village shop , OP speak to your husband and tell him how you feel

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 07:38

Well this is unremittingly depressing.
So many women apparently unable to understand the concept of consent.

very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later.
She said stop, and she told him why.
He acknowledged what she had said.
He knew he was hurting her.
He knew her consent had been withdrawn.
Yet he kept on doing it.

jasjas1973 · 04/05/2018 07:39

@villageshop

When i first had sex post birth, i was very careful and would have stopped at any point, i loved her and the idea of causing her any pain or discomfort would have horrified me, she d given birth to our child, how could i have treated her with such disrespect?
Any man can pull out just before orgasm, its not difficult but he did nt want to.
The OP's partner behaved like a fcukin anilmal and in all honesty if that's what he thinks of her, then she should get rid.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 07:39

Have to second this @bellsbuss - villageshop is a very wise lady

Pfftlife · 04/05/2018 07:39

*Luisa27

OP - if you’re reading this - please listen to@DragonMummyand@Hooochy- they’re talking a lot of sense*

I agree with this

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 07:40

She told him how she felt, Bellpuss.

He ignored her.

Hmm
Anniegetyourgun · 04/05/2018 07:41

I can't believe there is so much man hating on this thread. Don't you realise that if a man fails to come when he needs to his balls will actually strangulate, turn blue and may even drop off? Do you want this to happen to the OP's husband?

Oh wait - they don't. As you were then.

ps Just because rape can also be accompanied by violence does not mean that if there is not violence there is no rape. Just because it can be carried out by strangers does not mean that if it is someone you know it is not rape. Just because you consented to sex at the start does not mean that if you call a halt part-way through (for example, because it is hurting) carrying on is not rape. Just because he didn't mean it to be rape does not mean that it isn't. That's what the law says, ffs (in England and Wales at any rate - perhaps we were wrong to assume the OP is from E&W, or of course some posters may not be. In that case they may be correct that in their jurisdiction it would not be rape).

Just because some people rob banks it doesn't mean that snatching a purse isn't theft. He didn't even push you over, and for all you know he might have needed that money more than you did. Nothing to see here.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 07:41

Hooochycoo

Maybe her ever loving husband can get her some Flowers instead?

Maybe that will make up for raping her?

Hmm
Pleasebepolite · 04/05/2018 07:43

I think to say that the OP was raped by her husband is a massive insult to any woman who has been raped. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Listen to Villageshop OP She has given you the best advice on this thread.

ghostyslovesheets · 04/05/2018 07:43

I’m sorry this happened OP

I wish people would stop this ‘you asked him to stop and 5 seconds later he did’ bollox - what you actually described was you asking him to stop and him ignoring you until he was finished - that is awful behaviour- people need to stop minimalising this

calzone · 04/05/2018 07:43

I’m 100% behind VillageShop on this.

I thought her words were very moving.

ghostyslovesheets · 04/05/2018 07:44

I’ve been raped - it doesn’t insult me - stop speaking for all women!

Liesmyparentstoldme · 04/05/2018 07:45

@Dragonmummy I do think your post sounds like you're minimising the situation. Do you think that because someone's a 'good' man or husband usually they can't commit rape?

I've seen so many threads on mumsnet before where people are posting about their relationship. After reading the OP, they're clearly with abusive partners. However the OP usually says they're a good husband and father etc despite evidence to the contrary.

So I think it is useful in this situation, to define what happened as rape. Otherwise the OP may minimise what happened. Just concentrating on the good husband factor.

I hope that makes sense

Dani240 · 04/05/2018 07:45

Oh OP I'm so sorry Flowers how are you feeling physically now? Are you still in pain?

Of course it is rape. You told him that you wanted him to stop because you were in agony and he refused, verbally. That must have been so frightening!

It must feel awful that his orgasm was more important to him than you being in pain after surgery. Are you going to tell him how it made you feel? We're all here to listen if you want to talk.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/05/2018 07:46

VillageShop's words were indeed moving. But they were incorrect.

Tinkobell · 04/05/2018 07:47

Wise words from @Villageshop. However you need a hard talk and a very very clear red line to be drawn moving forwards.