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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
Liesmyparentstoldme · 04/05/2018 07:48

I hope you're OK OP Flowers

WhingyNinja · 04/05/2018 07:49

STOP means STOP (right now, not once you've finished)

NO means NO

What is so hard to understand?

Alondra · 04/05/2018 07:50

Hiphopster

The problem is that still too many women are not comfortable to call "rape" when DH/DP do not stop when she says stop, I don't want to, don't do this..

The OP was having sex for the first time after giving birth. She felt pain, said "stop" and her DP instead of saying "sorry darling", discontinuing penetration and cumming outside if need to, chose not listening to her and disregard her pain. This is the opposite of what a loving partner feels and will do with his wife who has just given birth.

20nil · 04/05/2018 07:54

I’m sorry OP. I hope you are ok and have someone to talk to about this. Only you can decide what to do next, but please don’t minimise what has happened. What your husband did was absolutely and unquestionably wrong. You have every right to feel angry, sad, confused etc... Please take care of yourself. This really is a big deal.

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/05/2018 07:55

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open

It isn't, and I speak from personal experience. My wife suffered from a prolapse for years, then had surgery which left it's own problems and then compounded by the menopause and all that brings. I've stopped more times than I can count, at every stage of the process. If she asks me to stop, or if I sense she's feeling discomfort, I stop right away. No ifs, no buts, no just a few more thrusts. It's really not hard if you care for your partner.

What your OH did was vile and inexcusable. If you say stop, regardless of the reason and even if you don't give a reason, he should stop. Anything else is rape.

Shoxfordian · 04/05/2018 07:56

How are you today OP?
Your husband raped you when he continued after you said no. Has he done anything like this before? Flowers

cherrytrees123 · 04/05/2018 07:57

I don't think it was rape, but it was inconsiderate and hurtful both to your feelings and your physical self. If it were me, I would not be trusting him again and it would put me off wanting to have sex with him in the future.

I had a terrible vaginal delivery. It took me a long time to recover both physically and mentally. i remember going for my six week check up and the doctor was very concerned when I told him I still hadn't had sex. He told me I must do so, and seemed to think it very abnormal. I don't know why i didn't shout at him. What is wrong with some men?

Pleasebepolite · 04/05/2018 07:59

So to be clear. To all those claiming rape, a hypothetical question for you.

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over this 5 second incident?

hooochycoo · 04/05/2018 08:00

I should think it’ll take more than flowers math anxiety

«Insert missing the point emoji»

Oh wait, that should have been in your post! Sorry!

VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:01

I’m Shock at the idea that it’s ok for someone to tell the OP that this situation was ok.
Well, you know, she was in pain. It was just after giving birth. The pain could have been the sign of something going on, like it is with any other type of accident/surgery (obviously thinking there about all the tearing etc.. that can happen in childbirth).
But no. This poor man just couldn’t think —didn't see the point of respecting her partner boundary— and couldn’t help himself from having his orgasm —because for the whole 5 seconds it took him to come, he Obvioulsy had no control at all over himself even though he had enough control to tell her he was going to come—

Come on.

Whatever name you want to put in what has happened, it just didn’t show any respect at all for the OP and her wellbeing.
Her feelings and wishes were just disregarded as not important.
But his wish to have an orgasm was here loud and clear. Expressed. And she was supposed to bow to it as if it was the one most important thing in the world.

I’ve slowly grown to refuse to accept any type of disrespect like this.

anothernamechanged · 04/05/2018 08:01

I’m trying to imagine my husband saying ‘stop’ and me just carrying on because I was about to come.

I have actually experienced this where I was on top, therefore in control and he said to stop, I didn't immediately as my mind went "what? stop? why?" because it's not something he'd said before and we were both enjoying it and I wasn't expecting to hear it so I questioned if I'd heard right. As soon as it clicked I stopped. I don't know if that is what the OPs DH did, none of us know, but I think it is possible.

VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:05

TooTrue THANK YOU!!

OP please listen to TooTrue. As a man, he will know well whether it was ‘physically’ possible for your DH to stop.
And it was.

Please don’t buy into the sexist bullshit of ‘poor man couldn’t stop himself as he was so close to orgasm’.
He might not have been able to stop his orgasm (which actually I doubt if it still took him another 5 seconds to be able to come). But he certainly could have ejaculated outside you. Like men are totally able to do when they use the withdrawal method. If they can do that with the withdrawal method, then they can have enough control over themselves when they hear they partner say NO.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:06

@pfftlife @villageshop

I don't understand why people are jumping down your throats. I've been raped...by someone who turned out to be a serial rapist yet because of our justice system and people crying rape for kicks. . He got away with it. I think it's strong to call it rape. Yes she said she was uncomfortable but it finished . I may have different views if she had no from the off. I appreaciate why she may feel upset and slightly traumatised but you ladies telling her she was raped adding a bunch of flowers really aren't helping. She needs to communicate with her partner and explain how she feels.

VivaKondo · 04/05/2018 08:08

another there is a big difference between your situation and the OP.
In your case, things were ‘normal’ and ther was no reason to think something was ‘wrong’.

In the case of the OP, her DH knew it was the first they wouod have sex after giving birth. He should have know she was worried about it being painful (and tbh, he should have been able to guess and/or ask). So his awareness of something potentially going wrong should have bee;pen heightened to the nth degree. He should have been in a option where he would have been on the look out for signs of pain. He should have been ready to listen.

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 08:09

it's not something he'd said before and we were both enjoying it

I don't think you raped your husband,@anothernamechanged, but that's a pretty odd thing to say. You were both enjoying it except for the person who had asked the other person to stop and they hadn't? Not sure what point you're trying to illustrate except that yes, spouses are capable of disregarding a withdrawal of consent.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:09

Ever thoight actually I'm going to come was merely him saying that not him acknowledging her pain. I swear during an orgasm sometimes I think it would take a blow round the head for me to hear anything......just saying

53rdWay · 04/05/2018 08:09

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over this 5 second incident?

Yes.

Which isn’t to say I’d order the OP to. She needs to process this herself and come to her own decisions. But her husband prioritised his orgasm over her pain, he carried on after she said “stop”, after she was in so much pain that it brought tears to her eyes, after not just birth but surgery, because his orgasm was more important to him than any of that. Maybe it’s just a one-off incident. But it’s a pretty massive one-off, isn’t it?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 04/05/2018 08:10

Anothernamechanged
I don’t think there’s any doubt the dh heard the op. And recognised what she was saying. He responded. I’m about to come.

Besides which as a husband of a woman post operative after childbirth - he should have been on high alert for any issues. Her saying to stop, somethings not right, it hurts should hardly have been a surprise

TooTrueToBeGood · 04/05/2018 08:10

All those trying to say this wasn't rape, the law disagrees with you. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, regardless of the relationship or history between those involved. Sex without consent is rape. There is no ambiguity in the law. Those of you trying to minimise this or make excuses for the OP's partner sre part of the problem, part of the resson we have such a strong rape culture in this country. And those of you playing rape top trumps, "calling this rape is an insult to victims of real rape" need to fuck off as far as the other side of fuck and then some.

DontDrinkDontSmoke · 04/05/2018 08:11

I bet 5 seconds is fucking ages while you’re being raped.

On the rare occasion I’ve asked anyone to stop, they’ve stopped.

Sorry this has happened to you OP.

FermatsTheorem · 04/05/2018 08:11

Yes, it was rape - legally and morally..

Imagine the randiest animal on the planet with the lowest impulse control, a teenage boy. He's shagging his girlfriend and his mum walks into the bedroom to collect his socks - do you think he couldn't stop mid stroke? Of course he could.

OP's husband should have been on high alert - knowing she'd suffered birth damage. As others have said, what normal person would even want to continue to have sex knowing the person they were with was in pain?

Like others I'm also horrified by the level of rape apologise here. All I can think is that a lot of women have been brought up to think you must hold onto a man, any man, at all costs, and are in fact putting up with some horrific shit in their own lives - and admitting that this situation was rape (which it was) would mean admitting to the same in their own lives.

MissReginaPhilange · 04/05/2018 08:13

Why is it different for @another ? Your quick to say he's raped his partner and no means no...but she's saying she took a few seconds to compute as did op partner...... I'm going to come isnt an acknowledgement......i hear it off my partner every time and funnily enough I've never asked him a question or stated something for this to be his response. Yes it wasn't ok and wasn't pleasant but rape is a very very strong word. Can ruin lives....surely a discussion first would be healthier?

jasjas1973 · 04/05/2018 08:14

if this was your husband, you were happily married and in love with each other and he was a good man and you'd just had a child together, you would LTB and divorce over him hitting you just the once

Sounds a bit different?

She was in agony, his needs more important to him than her telling him to stop.
Sounds like my old man who would justify hitting my Mum because the house wasnt tidy/dinner not ready or baby crying.,,, his feelings more important than hers.

Luisa27 · 04/05/2018 08:14

@MissRegina - voice of reason.
Well said

pigeondujour · 04/05/2018 08:15

yet because of our justice system and people crying rape for kicks. . He got away with it

Sorry that happened to you, but the reason he got away with it and the problem with our criminal justice system definitely wasn't 'people crying rape for kicks'. Totally irresponsible and harmful to say it was.