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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn’t stop when I said stop

783 replies

bijouhibou · 04/05/2018 00:26

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

OP posts:
DryHeave · 04/05/2018 03:20

I’m with @ThisIsTheFirstStep.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 03:22

I think there's probably quite a few women who have experienced this and just can't face calling it rape. Because they would have to re think how they view their dp.
It's a lot easier to "get some perspective" and view it as one wobbly moment on the "beloved's" part.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 03:23

When dh and I had sex for the first time after my extremely traumatic vaginal delivery I think I could have yelled stop mid orgasm and he would have stopped. he was there for my entire ordeal and I think was bloody grateful I was ready to even try sex again.

5 seconds is a long time in sex when someone is shouting stop.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 03:25

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth.

Mills & Boon wants its crappiest writer back.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 04/05/2018 03:28

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come

Can the village supporters re-read the OP - they had a fucking conversation! He knew he was hurting her, it was post surgery for God's sake, he should have been on high alert for hurting her, and he carried on.

It would make me very reluctant to have sex with him again - it really would - it would be very hard for me to not remember the pain he'd caused me. There would be a new wariness around him, that he would be capable of doing that.

OP - what do you think? Is this something he's done before? Ignore your pain for his own benefit?

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:29

If men can pull out to stop pregnancy, they can pull out to stop hurting their partner, 'throes of passion' or otherwise.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 03:29

I asked my DH to stop. He did but only after I said it twice and pinched his butt! He was so excited to be having sex again he was utterly lost in the moment. He was extremely concerned about my wellbeing before and after.

But he wasn't extremely concerned about your wellbeing during - which is really the only time that matters.

I've had sex in these circumstances - thankfully with dh. I know how a concerned partner behaves during sex with a woman who is likely to experience pain because of vaginal trauma. I didn't have to say anything twice and I didn't have to use physical force to stop him.

But I also - maybe because of my upbringing and socialisation - find it difficult to call this rape. But really if someone thinks it is ok to prioritise their sexual pleasure over your pain ... well ... it is what it is

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 03:30

Bloody hell - can't believe some of the replies here Shock

It was the first time after childbirth - he should have been making sure EVERY SECOND that you were okay with it.

Seriously I'm shocked and sad at these responses SadAngry

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 03:32

He should have been prepared EVERY SECOND to stop - yes, it might not have been the best Throes of passion, but he should have been prepared NOT to get caught up in the moment

Waddlelikeapenguin · 04/05/2018 03:32

Bloody hell bijouhibou Flowers

For that 5 seconds (which is a long time when you are in pain & feel powerless & dont know when that pain will end) he was having sex with you against your express wishes. He chose not to stop when you asked.

For the posters saying it's ok would it still have been ok if it was 5 minutes before he came? 2 minutes? Where is the line?
No means no, stop means stop.

sadiesnakes · 04/05/2018 03:33

What @villageshop says.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 03:33

It's rare but men have been charged with rape and taken to court for not stopping when asked. I wouldn't recommend any woman report this because it's so hard to prove and it's another trauma the woman doesn't need.

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 03:34

Reading the OP again, it wasn't even just after abnormal vaginal delivery - she'd had SURGERY ShockAngry

TanteRose · 04/05/2018 03:34

*after a normal

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:35

waddle exactly. 2 minutes, 5 seconds, 1 hour...at what point is it ok to say 'this is not ok'?

Fucking ridiculous some of the shite on here. Can't decide if I feel utter contempt or pure pity for women who think this is normal.

Just try imagining the boot on the other foot, would you really continue while your husband was in pain? I know I wouldn't, the thought absolutely sickens me.

tillytown · 04/05/2018 03:38

Anyone agreeing with villageshop should be ashamed. She said stop, he didn't, you're a fucking embarrassment.

Queenoftheblitz · 04/05/2018 03:42

Anyone agreeing with villageshop should be ashamed. She said stop, he didn't, you're a fucking embarrassment.

I agree. I am embarrassed by villageshop and her ilk.

pallisers · 04/05/2018 03:49

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity.

I find this interesting because here on MN it often seems to me that people put up with awful shit that no one in my real life would put up with for a second.

And that includes a man who would continue with painful unconsensual sex for 5 seconds (count them out - 1 mississippi etc) until he climaxed rather than stop and listen to his wife.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 04/05/2018 04:01

I’m sorry your husband raped you. Flowers

nooka · 04/05/2018 04:15

Even if the guy 'just' forgot about the OP in his moment of lust (not love FGS) and is otherwise a lovely caring person, in that moment he hurt her because he didn't care about her (so no he was not loving her, only himself) and was not interested in listening and responding to her when she said stop. Most of the time that might be easily forgivable in a loving trusting relationship, but this was a time when he should have been very very focused on her responses because he knew that she was recovering from vaginal surgery and that sex might well hurt, possibly actually harm her. If I was the OP I would find it incredibly hard to consent to sex after this. Now she knows that it might well hurt and that her husband can't be trusted to listen to her. What a stupid self centred man he has proven to be.

Oh and as part of a couple that used withdrawal for a while I can say that for one man at least it wasn't difficult for him to pull out even very close to orgasm and finish off by hand. And if you miss out on the orgasm that time it's not really that big a deal is it?

GoldfishCrackers · 04/05/2018 04:17

Im sorry @pallisers Thanks

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where my partner had surgery on his penis, and the first time we had sex post-surgery, when he told me to stop, I continued. I just can't imagine it. I'd be on high alert for any sign of discomfort, would be checking he was ok. And a sign of my love for him would not be prioritising my own sexual pleasure over his pain or consent.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 04:17

I find this interesting because here on MN it often seems to me that people put up with awful shit that no one in my real life would put up with for a second

this times 100.

thebewilderness · 04/05/2018 04:30

The degree of physical and mental abuse women are expected to consider normal shocks me every time I come to AIBU.

Graduate223 · 04/05/2018 04:31

Your husband raped you. So sorry.

JAPAB · 04/05/2018 04:52

There probably is a point of no return, but I think having enough time to verbalise a sentence plus five seconds, means he wasn't at it.

In terms of the law I think what is described would qualify as rape.