DH didn’t stop when I said stop

[bijouhibou]

First time having sex after post childbirth vaginal surgery. All was well - better than expected - until very near his climax and I said stop because I was uncomfortable. He said he was going to come, carried on then came about 5 seconds later. I was in great pain and brought tears to my eyes. He was v supportive afterwards but those 5 secs were awful.

I know it’s physically difficult for men to stop when the floodgates open, so to speak, but AIBU re: those 5 seconds?

I fucking hate it when people start yelling rape over nothing... but you said stop. This was rape. I’d find it very hard to ever be close to him again and honestly I’d show him this post so he realises, because chances are he will blow it off as nothing

I'm sorry OP, it was rape. It's the type of rape that some people don't think as rape since you'd started with permission, but you withdrew permission (which you're allowed to do) and he continued.
The key for me though is how he reacts today.
When you sit him down (hard with a baby I know) and say we need to talk about you raping me last night he'll either minimise (not my fault, thought you didn't mean it, etc) or listen and accept and want to work out how to regain your trust and accept responsibility while realising he is in the wrong.
It might be him sleeping in another room until you want him back in your bed, it might be him being really respectful of your boundaries.
Or if he denies it and makes out that you're the one with the issue than you know to start making plans to stay safe.

VillageShop et al, I am simply speechless.

Of course it was rape. Stop means stop now. It doesn't mean keep going until you feel like stopping. It means disengage immediately, and men can do this.

Oh no I forgot that men’s feelings are more important than women’s feelings. Thanks for reminding me, @villageshop

I am genuinely so saddened by the number of posters excusing this man’s behaviour.

It’s 2018, women deserve and should expect better than being told to ‘get past’ being raped because he’s ‘otherwise a good guy’.

Heaven forbid OP should rock the boat and make her husband who literally raped her after childbirth feel bad.

Fuck that. And fuck everyone peddling this bullshit, women hating narrative.

I agree that it's what happens now that really matters, and how he responds to a serious conversation about it. If he attempts to minimise and make excuses then I would feel very differently to if he immediately pays attention and genuinely wants to understand the issue. And it should never happen again.

This thread has just jolted me out of half sleep! No means no. No excuses. The OP said stop. After that, it was rape.

Oh my god VillagesShop.

I don't think I've ever been angry at this time in the morning.

You sound like some kind of man-serving bot.

OPs husband wanted to shoot his load even though his post-surgery wife asked him to stop as she was in pain.

He basically thought fuck that, I want to come, (like some kind of ug ug neanderthal) then did.

He knowingly put his wife through pain for his own sexual gratification. It doesn't matter how long it was for. FFS.

Here on Mumsnet it often seems to me people live unrealistic lives and shout LTB, or rape, or abuse, at every given opportunity.

You do realise that the people shouting these things do so, because the idea of putting up with them is unfathomable?

You realise there are vast swathes of men out there that would never behave like this with a stranger, let alone their wife or life partner?

What some women think of as 'normal' is distressing.

If you're on the verge of coming, you pull out and jack off with your hand.

I mean, you could just stop, and ask the woman who's recently given birth to your child if she's OK...

But if the priority is, actually, your orgasm - then you could pull out and deal to it yourself. And then deal with the owner of the orifice you've just been pumping.

🙄 x a thousand.

Please watch this short video about consent. No means no at ANY point. Hope you're ok op.

I hope you have not been left in pain OP, how are you ?
Your husband could have stopped, he chose not to ....

I’m totally with @villageshop on this one - agree with everything she said.

This happened to me in my 20s and really affected me although it was 5minutes longer and I said stop several times. I was in a state of shock and disbelief at what happened and it really affected me. I was in agony afterwards struggled to walk and when confining in my university personal tutor she completely brushed it off similar way to village did. I felt made to belief it went wrong because I had sex later that day and has intinally consented to it when we started. What I didn’t consent to was being hurt but he continued.

Stop should mean stop my dh once banished my pubic bone and the pain was unreal and literally he stopped immediately and checked I was ok. We even tried sex post birth and I couldn’t manage it so stopped.

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth, carried on. It hurt, you wished he'd stopped, he carried on for 5 seconds.

village- WTAF!!

"your beloved"??? " for the first time since you gave birth".

WTF is all that shit about?

So the poor loved up and sex deprived guy should be cut some slack because he hasn't had much since his wife's post birth vaginal surgery. Boo fucking hoo.

A decent man would be checking with his wife constantly during this first act of intercourse, aware that things may change, looking for any signal of discomfort and be very sensitive to her feelings.

A man who carries on regardless despite being asked to stop is low.
Using your wife as a meat hole to fuck is disgusting.

People are crying rape. It's a very strong accusation to make when you weren't there witnessing what happened. You have been given minimal information from one side of the story. Rape accusations ruin lives and it gets banded around this site so freely.

Shame on you all telling the Op she has been raped, only she can decide that don't put words into her head. You could ruin a man's life who thought he was in a loving relationship.

Gather more information on the situation before you accuse! Do you think in court that would be enough information to sentence someone? No it's really not so don't be judge jury and executioner

They finally made it illegal to rape your wife in the UK in 1991 but men didn't stop just because it was a crime.

Scold all you like but would you refuse to stop hurting someone post surgery when they asked you to stop because of the pain, and tell them no you are going to come in them anyway? srsly?

100% agree with villageshop

I have actually been raped, brutally raped. The rapists, yes there were more than one, and one of them was a woman, got a total of 24 years in prison.

IF what the OP describes, happened to me, with my DH, I would take the time to explain the outcome of his actions. Have a very serious talk about it. IF he played down what he had done and tried to excuse it, then I would grab his bollocks and not let go, no matter how much he begged.

I KNOW I would do that because I once did do it, to a fairly new partner, many years ago. I never saw him again, but got told he couldn't sit down for a week :)

OP - TALK to your partner before crying rape.

Jesus Christ, I’ve never seen such a load of rape excusing bullshite in my life! Are you fucking kidding me? STOP MEANS STOP

I agree, why is five seconds okay, but 55 seconds wouldn't be okay. It's either okay, or it's not...on the other hand..

This one time your beloved, in the throes of passion and love, for the first time since you gave birth, carried on

I can see where you're coming from, but I still think it boils down to clear boundaries; whether you're in love, one night stand, fwb..stop should mean stop: not five seconds later, not 60 seconds later.

Well said @Joanna

Joanna57

What the hell is 'crying rape'? Someone either has your consent to carry on with a sexual act, or they don't. If they don't, and that act is penetrative, it IS rape. It isn't debatable.

Joanna57
Did you bother to read the OP?

Hey OP, I hope you’re ok. It sounds very traumatic, however you choose to deal with it. I think you’ve had some very strange responses early on in the thread. Please listen to those posters who are talking more sense this morning. The bare bones of that situation are that you told your husband it was hurting and you asked him to stop. He said no and carried on regardless. Unfortunately that’s what you have to deal with. A pp made the point that if it was impossible for men to stop when they neared climax the withdrawal method would be impossible. Let that thought sit in your head.

Pfftlife

We don't have to have been there, FFS. If the facts are as the OP states, it was rape. The definition of rape is penetration with no reasonable belief in consent. The OP said stop. End of discussion.

i agree with village shop and i'm a woman that was anal raped after having the shit beaten out of me.
op your husband crossed a line and you should give him both barrells today and some
you was not raped