To feel robbed of a delivery experience

[callmehannahbaker]

I was in labour for 2 hours, I pushed for 14 minutes. I had 20 people in ready to rush me for a c section but I pushed against their wishes.

I only have that from notes-I remember none of it.

I watch OBEM and wish I had an experience of birth.

Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?

I had to push for nearly 3 hours, with no pain relief and ended up with 30 stitches. Yabu!

Some of these replies truly are dissapointing.

Just because you think yours was a worse experience or "you've got your baby" or you wish you could forget does not invalidate the op's feelings.

Clearly we still have a long way to go for people understanding mental health. PSTD PND.

Truly dissapointing.

I had a C-section and honestly don't miss any part of the memory. All I ever wanted was for my child to be born healthy and well.
I remember her screaming her lungs out (she hasn't stopped talking every since so I guess that was the sign of things to come).
I really don't get all the fuss around the delivery. It's not a magical experience or anything, it's a physiological process you have to go through to deliver your child.

Comparing trauma isn't helpful either.
I had an emergency forceps delivery that left me traumatised. Other women could say 'At least you didn't need a c-section like me.' 'At least your baby didn't go to NICU like mine' 'At least you didn't need a blood transfusion like I did' and so on and on.
But it doesn't change the fact that I'm traumatised and have to live with that trauma daily. Hearing how much 'worse' it could have been is not going to change that.
It's also worth pointing out that there are many factors that contribute to a birth being traumatic. A woman could have straightforward on paper birth with poor and disrespectful care that leaves her with birth trauma whilst another could have an EMCS with wonderful care and find it a positive experience. We don't know enough about the OP's experience to completely understand her feelings.

I wish that the mantra "Healthy mum healthy baby" would also take note of mental health.

Maternal mental health is just as important as physical health and poor mental health due to PSTD / Birth Trauma and PND has consequences for mothers and babies as much as physical health - it's just not that visible

(Unless you read the confidential enquiries report into maternal deaths - it's quite stark then)

Completely agree with sunshinestorm and JohnnyMcGrath. There are some cruel posts on this thread. How long a labour takes is not the determining factor in whether it is a traumatic experience. This is about how consciousness and memory work during a very difficult, life threatening event and whether that event lasts for five minutes, five hours or five days isn't the issue. How your brain and body has coped during such an event isn't remedied by having a healthy baby at the end of it - that certainly does make a difference to your capacity to heal from the experience, but it doesn't erase the fact that your labour was what it was.

I kind of know where you're coming from. I don't remember giving birth, it's like a dream that the more I try to remember, the fuzzier it gets. I know it was agony and I don't mind not remembering that, but I also don't remember holding my son or the first time I saw him. It doesn't help that my ex took absolutely no pictures of me and our son so I don't have anything to even look back on

YANBU my first was horrendous and I was traumatised, my baby was battered bruised and still has the forceps scar on her head. I couldn't even think of it for weeks and weeks after without crying. My second was a really positive experience, really straight forward and empowering. I think people underestimate the importance of a positive birth for mum and baby. It totally affected the way I bonded with my children - took the best part of a year with my first, was instantaneous with my second. So I totally understand where you're coming from OP

Have you asked your hospital about a birth debrief? You'd be able to talk though what happened and it may help you remember some things or just give you the knowledge of them.

As someone with birth related PTSD from my first birth, I have no fucking words for this

My second birth all I remember is the constant panic attacks throughout and went into shock after she was born.

My third was probably what you’re thinking you “should” have had.

My fourth was a 10 minute labour that I also remember in excruciating detail as going from 3cm to birth in that amount of time with no pain relief isn’t something you forget either.

I think you need to get a grip.

louiseaaa

I believe a part of the problem is also the unrealistic expectations the society puts on birth.
Magical experience! Empowering! The beginning of beautiful memories! or whatever BS they tell you to expect from birth.
All the birth lists with songs, bath etc.
And then it's forceps, complications, C-sections - of course it feels like it's a bummer and a woman feels cheated. I wish women were more prepare for the fact that birth may mean complications and problems. And were focused more on the child than their own expectations. I believe there'd be less trauma. It doesn't mean that the birth shouldn't be made as comfortable for women as possible, quite the other way round. But making the birth more about the physiological side and less esoteric would be more beneficial.

Disappointing to see that even women with traumatic experiences and subsequent mental health issues can't offer empathy.

*some women, that should read.

YANBU and I think a lot of the cruel posts on here are missing what you’re saying. Memory loss like that can make traumatic experiences really hard to process.

I also have missing memory from birth. It’s not that my memories are fuzzy, it’s that they’re blank. I remember alarms going off and thinking my baby was dead, and then I have a small number of scattered memories that make no sense to me outside context, and then I remember a bit of the c-section and then the recovery room. So I know that things were done to me and I don’t remember why.

Even the good stuff is blanked out. I don’t remember holding my baby for the first time. I was upset for ages that I hadn’t been able to do skin-to-skin or feed the baby for hours because I didn’t understand why they didn’t let me, but I found out months later that I did do all that, I just don’t remember it. What I remember is my baby being kept from me, then holding her 6 hours later.

I got some memories back after a while, most are still blank. I had on and off nightmares for years about it (being pregnant, suddenly finding the baby gone and a c-section scar and no memory and people saying “why are you upset, you’re fine!”).

YANBU at all to wish you had a birth you remembered.

@Clandestino

I sat on the MSLC back in the day and I can categorically state that some HCP's did not treat the physiological impact of their behaviour towards women as an issue. Some birth trauma is caused by dismissive attitudes and some by the nature of birth itself and the interventions necessary for a safe delivery. It is not unreasonable to expect to be treated with dignity and not unreasonable to expect a standard of care that is safe.

Personally I have had two traumatic deliveries, the second was life threatening, resulting in PTSD. That does not mean that my experience trumps other women's experience in the who had it worst category. Mental and physical avoidable harm is not adequate care, and saying that all that matters is a healthy baby treats women's mental health as secondary and expendable. IMO

@louiseaaa
I don't think we are somehow contradicting ourselves. I'm not talking about traumatic births which of course have a long-term on the woman.
But if someone writes, oh I've been watching series on births and now I feel cheated because mine wasn't that great?
TBH, yes, my reaction is get over it, woman. I don't feel cheated out of natural birth because I had a c-section. I made a decision that was the best for my baby, even though it had lifelong consequences for me because another abdominal major surgery was something all doctors would have strongly advise against unless necessary.
That said, I had no ideas and plans for my birth. No music, candles, massage, bath whatever. I knew it's going to hurt afterwards, I knew it's not going to be a walk in the park but I had a screaming baby to take care of afterwards so had no time to deal with it.

This thread is actually quite upsetting, the amount of people completely dismissive of the OPs experience.

My experience was different in that I remembered everything too well, but I can still understand that not remembering would be traumatic. To be honest, if other mums who have had traumatic births can't be sympathetic to each other, what hope do we have of medical staff giving a shit - and as someone who'd had mainly positive experiences with HCP up to that point the way that changes when you have issues around pregnancy is shocking.

Birth reaction might depend on what you feel like you've been cheated of. I'm not bothered by needing intervention and an emergency c-section and missing out on a water birth. I do feel cheated of kindness, because a midwife told me that I wasn't trying hard enough when I was going through a precipitous back to back labour with no pain relief. I was desperate and pleading for help and that was the response I got. I do feel cheated because I have no memory of my baby being placed on my breast for the first time. That's a very intimate thing to have happened and I don't know about it. I feel cheated of support from my then husband who knew I was self harming while breast feeding and had a `get over it' attitude.

I didn't have time to deal with any of this immediately after the birth either - I survived by self harming for three years, and flashbacks came back to haunt me a couple of years later. I finally got proper psychological help when the screaming baby had grown up a bit and I had a bit of breathing space to address my dire mental state. It was the being cheated of support and kindness that were most difficult for me to deal with, not being cheated of whale music, candles and incense.

I still can't believe people are continuing to post such hateful messages on here. The OP clearly had a traumatic experience. I don't see how it's relevant how many stitches people might have had, how long people's labours were or how painful, that's not the focus of what she is talking about. It's also not a competition btw. Nobody chooses to be traumatised.

If any of you had been told to "get a grip" when talking about your traumatic births I bet you would have been left feeling very hurt.

Just want to say again the birth trauma association Facebook page is a great place for support. I had a traumatic birth and have found it a safe place to talk and ask for help.

Vagunal deljvery is overrated !🤷‍♀️

I think what you is bothering you is the lack of control and choice, which I completely understand. I gave birth abroad and due to concerns about my baby, I had an idea a couple of weeks before that I might be having a c section. I was upset as I felt the doctor was telling me what to do. Either way childbirth is an overwhelming experience and neither way is better. However it is upsetting when you feel your wishes are disregarded.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff:

You know, I commented on the better postnatal care campaign thread that we had no hope of challenging the institutional misogyny of women's healthcare unless we first sorted ourselves out and stopped slagging off women for talking about their own experiences.

Spot on. I got told by a member of my local NCT committee that I needed to 'get over it' when I was really traumatised by my first birth. She just didn't want to know. Whoever said that a traumatised mother doesn't meet the target of healthy mother and healthy baby is quite right.

I tried to talk about my experience in counselling last week and there is hardly any 'hard' memory of what happened at all - just emotional distress, and wanting it to be over, and a period where my body seemed to have stretched so that what was happening to my body was a long way away from my brain. And then guilt because I hadn't done birth 'properly'.

I really wish people could be kinder to each other. Life can be shit enough without going out your way to make things worth. It doesn’t matter what you think of the OPs birth and the way she’s reacted to it. Yes some people have objectively worse experiences, others have objectively better. The only thing that matters is how she feels about it and could be a reflection of many other things that have happened in her life too. What gives anybody the right to invalidate people’s feelings of trauma. Let’s not play trauma top trumps! Op I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and also sorry for the lack of compassion some people have felt fit to exhibit, know that’s a reflection of them not you. I would second pp suggestion of the birth trauma association closed Facebook group it’s lovely and so supportive whatever your experience. People be kind. It costs nothing!

Let's no play trauma top trumps. Well said. I hate this. Is it my imagination or is it becoming more common?

@Clandestino

TBH, yes, my reaction is get over it, woman

Unkind and unnecessary invalidation of someone's feelings

I don't feel cheated out of natural birth because I had a c-section. I made a decision that was the best for my baby, even though it had lifelong consequences for me because another abdominal major surgery was something all doctors would have strongly advise against unless necessary.

Your body, your choice and your experience totally valid for you.

As mothers, we all have to make the best choice we can at the time using the information we have available to us at the time. There have been instances where I have found out additional information that would have changed the choice I made - I only found out through discussion, after the fact. That does not invalidate the choice I made - but it may leave me with regrets about that choice. It is not unreasonable to have regrets and to be told to "get over it" is dismissive, and harmful. People don' usually "get over" things, they learn to live with them. Part of learning to live with them is having our feelings validated and our stories heard.