To feel robbed of a delivery experience

[callmehannahbaker]

I was in labour for 2 hours, I pushed for 14 minutes. I had 20 people in ready to rush me for a c section but I pushed against their wishes.

I only have that from notes-I remember none of it.

I watch OBEM and wish I had an experience of birth.

Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?

I am with Pengggwn, a little bit.

My third labour was precipitate. 2cm to birth in 20 minutes after induction. The pain was sudden and (obviously) intense, and in retrospect I would have 'liked' more time to get used to what was happening, to direct the process rather than it directing me. But I think with childbirth most degrees of control are essentially a fantasy. The movement for self-determination and respect for women in childbirth was/is an absolutely vital one, but I honestly think that the NCT and co. have a lot to answer for with (what is essentially) their selling of MC-oriented packages of 'experience'.

The op stated she wished she had an experience, I think she chose the wrong word to describe the problem and people are assuming she wishes she had the perfect natural birth experience.
I had a terrible birth and have missing memories from it the missing memories the worst problem for me. The mental issues surrounding missing memories are serious.
The op was also on her own so there is no one to help her fill in the gaps.

Of course yanbu. Many women would like a natural birth which they remember all of. Those unsympathetic replies are just that. Even though Ive had a bad experience I wouldn't berate someone for wanting a good one.

I'm not really sure what you mean OP, do you just not have memories because it was so quick or do you think it's because of the pain relief you were using?

FWIW, I had a looooong labour, but whilst memories of the pain of contractions and tearing sometimes keep me up at night, I can't really remember her actually being born or anything for like 24 hours afterwards.

One born every minute has a lot to answer for!

I was 'high' on gas and air I barely remember it and tbh it's a fairly traumatic time so I think that's the best.

OBEM is so far from the reality of giving birth for so many women but people forget that it's a tv show and, as such, the situation is manipulated in some way to make it good tele.

OP, does your hospital have a Birth Reflections service?
Sometimes it can be scary having those gaps in your memory of labour/birth, particularly when you’re aware it was high risk situation - talking through your notes with a midwife can help put things in order, give an idea of how things happened.

Also, as PP have mentioned, a quick labour can be as difficult to process as a long labour. Your body just gets on with things and it can take your head a lot longer to catch up with that. And people will always comment how great it is that it was quick - very conflicting if that’s not how you feel.

I’ve probably recommended Birth Reflections to as many women who have had quick labours/deliveries as those who had long, complicated birth experience.

I still have PTSD and flashbacks of DD1's birth. I wish I could forget lots of that "delivery experience" but it comes back to me at the most random triggers, in crystal clear detail - the absolute utter terror and how terribly I was being treated, and reacting to the anaesthetic and shaking uncontrollably and being utterly convinced I was dying because no one took 2 seconds to explain why I couldn't stop shaking... then pathetically asking if it was a boy or girl they'd rushed off to neonatal as no one bothered to tell me if she was dead or alive, let alone her sex.

I'd take my under 15 minute, delightfully blurred around the edges with the gas and air, DD2 birth experience which I don't remember much of over that horror any day.

My eldest is 6 now - the clarity of it all hasn't faded -despite a fair amount of counselling.

YANBU, birth can be traumatic.

If a woman is traumatised by her experience and has to deal with mental health issues as a result then the 'healthy mum, healthy baby' goal has not been fully met.

OP maybe you'd benefit from having a reflections/afterthoughts session at the hospital where a member of staff sits with you and goes over your notes in detail to explain what happened and why.

I opened this thread thinking it was about grocery deliveries from tesco or Sainsbury’s 😂...

Both of mine have been quick and speed is not the advantage people think it is, both babies went into distress because of the speed and when labour is fast nothing gets a chance to slowly stretch leading to greater risk of injury.

Labour is about pushing something quite large out of a space that is usually quite small, blood, guts and even death have occurred in the process. Everyone's experience is different and I'm sure 99% of people would say it's not a magical zen like experience and the other 1% are off their tits on painkillers.

I've done it 3 times. 3 experiences I would love to forget. Worst pain ever.

I kind of get where you are coming from. I had quite long labours and have no memory of 90% of either, I remember the very beginning and the baby coming out (the important bit), but my husband had to tell me what went on in between. It's like I was asleep (I wasn't!), my husband said it was pretty horrible. It's probably a good thing I was somewhere else for most of it, the bits I was there were bad enough!

YANBU - you can't help how you feel and I think its natural to grieve the loss of an experience that you were hoping for when something doesn't go how you've pictured it (if you're anything like me you imagined it for years and years!). What I've learnt is that almost nobody's birth goes to plan. Mine certainly didn't and I still feel guilty that I didn't give my husband the amazing peaceful experience that I was hoping for when our daughter arrived...he was pretty traumatised!! Try to take the positives from how it went for you and remember that the important thing is that your baby arrived safely and you're both well. I'm sure this feeling will ease for you with a bit of time.

OBEM is a highly edited entertainment programme as well. A 12 hour labour can be edited down to 10 minutes of viewing time so it's not going to give a realistic impression of what the experience was actually like. Often scenes are put together for maximum dramatic/scary effect or overly emotional and wonderful.
Plus you don't actually see much gore and you forget the people in the room are seeing episiotomies, blood, poo, mess etc that the camera doesn't show us.

Yanbu and some of the replies here are horrible and very unsympathetic.

As a HCP I debrief a lot of women with birth trauma and it’s not unusual for women who have had fast “normal” births to be traumatised by their experience. Compound that with memory loss which is a major trigger for birth trauma I’m not surprised you feel the way you do.

On a personal note I needed an emergency lscs in labour and the actual lscs didn’t bother me. But for months afterwards I cried when I thought about the birth because I was so upset that I hadn’t experienced a vaginal birth and knew that I never would. Yes, I felt robbed of that experience and that’s a normal and valid feeling. So I sympathise.

Can you ask the hospital for a debrief, going through your notes often helps.

I'm missing the last 13 or so hours of my labour/failed forceps and emcs plus the first 12 hours or so ds's life and it's hard in the sense that I'm a total control freak and I hate the fact that I can not remember. Dh says it's a blessing and he wishes he couldn't.

I went through my notes about 10 months later but didn't find it helped because I couldn't relate any of it to me, didn't have any memories to peg the information on. It was like discussing a stranger's experience.

I'm due again next month and terrified of having a repeat, of waking up with a huge hole in my memory again.

Just enjoy your child

Many years later I still wish I could forget one birth experience but it's still in my head on a loop. I really remember being brought round in icu though, I'd quite like that memory to piss off...

The attitude of 'just be grateful you have a healthy baby' is really damaging and often used to shut down conversation about birth trauma and PTSD from childbirth.
Birth trauma is real. It doesn't how many times a woman tells herself to just be thankful for her baby, it's not going to stop the flashbacks, the anxiety, the daily depression and so on.
Society is beginning to recognise birth trauma and how damaging it can be to women and families in the longterm but you still see so much ignorance regarding the subject and it's disappointing.

You know, I commented on the better postnatal care campaign thread that we had no hope of challenging the institutional misogyny of women's healthcare unless we first sorted ourselves out and stopped slagging off women for talking about their own experiences.

This thread is a prime example.

For the hard of thinking, the OP cannot remember what happened, what people did to her body, what decisions were made and why, what happened when her baby was born, and when she first saw her. It is okay to feel weird that such big things are just missing from your memory.

YANBU, if I am reading your post correctly. I had my first baby by EMCS under GA a few weeks ago and felt completely upset and disappointed because I spent months picturing him being handed to me for the first time etc etc, and in fact I have no memory of meeting him at all. Although I now do realise I’m lucky to have him safely with me it doesn’t mean i don’t feel upset about that deep down. I also avoid programmes like OBEM for that reason. I hope you heal with time.

Also and sorry if anyone has already said it but I found a lot of support through the Birth Trauma Association group on FB.