To feel robbed of a delivery experience

[callmehannahbaker]

I was in labour for 2 hours, I pushed for 14 minutes. I had 20 people in ready to rush me for a c section but I pushed against their wishes.

I only have that from notes-I remember none of it.

I watch OBEM and wish I had an experience of birth.

Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?

I has twins by emergency section 24 hours following an induction.

There were about a million people in the room (a team for each baby) and I remember most of it.

it’s not particularly a memory I treasure.

Being handed my healthy babies, that was wonderful.

To be honest, our if all the mothers I know only one has a lovely memorable birth story. Everyone else was just pleased that they and their babies were safe.

As someone who never got to the pushing stage with my first before being whisked away for an emergency c-section and then having an elective section with my second, I don't feel like I have missed out on anything. I never went into either pregnancy with any expectations of the birth.

I say all this with the benefit of hindsight. I did struggle after having my eldest, although it was more about having a major operation and feeling physically broken than feeling like I'd missed out on giving birth. Unfortunately, as with most things in life, it's not always like it is on the telly or how people say.

I have had 4 children, 3 who survived. I had 4 c-sections (none by request) and no contractions.

I also felt I had missed out at the time but now feel grateful that I have 3 healthy children.

It is weird what we think we have missed out on, as pp have said it is supposed to be very painful so nothing to regret missing

RBBMummy.

So you had it super easy but wish you had a sympathy story instead

You seem to have arrived at this conclusion with very little information from the OP.

It's literally what she is saying

Literally? Where?

I have to say I did enjoy the birth of my second child. Not in a virtuous, warrior Mom kind of way, I was heaped full of drugs. It was the contrast to the c section I had previously where I was just meat on a table being pushed and pulled. No one cared or spoke to me that time.

I seriously think you need to get a grip.

Are you drunk Op?

Yanbu at all. Birth can be very traumatic when it doesn’t go as planned, when you feel you haven’t been listened to, when you were worried about yours or your baby’s safety. It doesn’t have to be an emergency crash c section to be traumatic! Have you had a birth debrief? Wish they’d take OBEM off the screens tbh or at least cover women haemorrhaging, crash c sections rather than Julie giving birth to her 8th child (Darren’s first) with her step dad as her birth partner where she sneezes and out pops Kyle jnr or Tabatha using hynobirthing breathing out her baby whilst Tristan feeds her pumpkin seeds

Yanbu OP.

It sounds like you may have had a potentially traumatic experience and have blanked out memories. I can understand why you are upset that you can’t remember your birth. It’s an important life experience and milestone and for that reason alone I can see why you feel unhappy, but to remember nothing must feel very disturbing and disorienting too.

You could ask the hospital for a birth debrief. And perhaps also look into some counselling. It’s important not to bury these feelings but to work through them.

RBBmummy

You seem nice.

I had a straight forward birth which followed my birth plan as closely as you could wish for with just a couple of very minor hiccups. I also remember it very clearly. I don't think back on it fondly and reminise over my wonderful birth experience, It was a means to an end that I'm thankful went well.

@Surfingwhippet whilst I appreciate the sentiment I would gently disagree.

I had the shitest shitest shit pregnancy ever then emergency c-section. I had a healthy baby. So I should be grateful right? Except I was 'robbed' of enjoying one iota of becoming a mother so I feel hugely let down. She's healthy, I'm healthy. But honestly, there's more to happiness than just that.

Jesus people.

You do all know we don't know the OP baby is okay? Since, you know, she doesn't say so?

Or that she is?

If she had 20 ppl waiting on her and cannot remember anything it was presumably not a straightforward situation.

Also mental health IS health and it sounds like the OP's may be delicate.

YANBU

I had a comparatively 'easy' labour with my DD, but it was quick (about 4 hours from waters breaking at home to holding her in hospital.)
Too late for pain relief, offered and accepted water birth to help.
For me it was too quick and I also don't remember being handed her or my first look at her. She was born at 37 weeks and I think I was in shock as everyone told me first babies were late and took ages.
For a while I wanted to go back and do it again so I could, as you put it, experience it.

I've since had two miscarriages and it looks like my DD with be an only child,

Enjoy your baby, be pleased you are both okay.

There is a huge myth that childbirth is a mystical and magical experience. Maybe it is for some people, but for me it was a total gorefest. If you are suffering now because of it then you deserve to be listened to and helped. It isn't ridiculous, if you are struggling then you are struggling. You wouldn't deny crutches to someone whose leg was just a bit broken, would you? Your reactions are yours alone and it isn't a competition, nor are you obliged to suck it up and not make a fuss.
Try your GP, midwife or the hospital where you gave birth and ask for help. I hope you find it.

I remembered my son’s birth vividly for about two weeks (fast, painful, absolutely nothing like my birth plan) and I was desperate to tell people about it.

Four months down the line, it’s fairly hazy. I’m not sorry I can’t remember it that well because it was painful and really scary. I don’t know anyone who looks back on giving birth fondly, it’s worthwhile for the end result rather than for the actual experience.

I’ve had 2 straightforward births with no pain relief. The first was 24 hours including hours of pushing, that I’ve later found out was over the recommended length. I was so knackered by the end I’d almost forgotten about the baby, and at the crucial moment the overwhelming emotion was relief that it was over.

The second time was just a couple of months ago, but thankfully the memories are fading. It was very fast and the intensity of the pain was quite traumatic. I hurt myself quite badly and in the first couple of days I found it hard to pay attention to anything other than the pain. This does make me sad because I wanted to look at my new baby and feel overwhelmed by love but I just wanted to sleep and forget the pain.

I’d just as soon forget my births and save the space for lovely memories of my babies.

I understand, OP. It wasn't what you expected, and you need time to come to terms with that. I don't remember my last child's birth, I had to have a general anaesthetic for an emergency section, but I try to be grateful because my husband got to hold and bond with his child.

It was what it was, I can't change it, but do try to see some positive aspects if you can.

Yabu. Birth is only the means to an end of getting hopefully a healthy baby.

OP I see where your coming from but it can be hard for people to understand so you will get some not so nice answers.

My first was back to back and I was induced as well the midwife moved my induction on too fast so it was very painful. As a result my brain "switched off" like when people have a traumatic event they can't deal with and there brain "deletes" it.

In labour you wouldn't have thought I was. I was asking the midwife if she was ok and the lady screaming next door was ok? But I really wasn't.

As a result I don't remember anything. Not one thing. It took weeks for my brain to get going again. I couldn't do basic things. It led to PND as I had no feelings and because I couldn't remember if I had that overwhelming love when I met him. It was hard and traumatic.

Luckily I'm all fine now have my second and it's so much better as I did it all my way and wouldn't regret it. So yes I understand. Not remembering is truly awful.

YANBU. Our first was delivered after hours of labour (pre pushing stage) and when they could not find a heartbeat the doctor was nervously pondering what to do. I said theatre? He said yes. A general anaesthetic and full blood transfusion later I woke to see our DC at 4 hours old with my DH. So happy to have a safe delivery. Thrilled. DC2 due, I realised I needed to witness their birth. I felt robbed first time of that experience. Opted for an elective c. Best experience ever. I didn't really realise how much psychologically I had missed first time until I had second time.

YANBU, not being able to remember an experience or only remember parts of it really can cause issues later on. If a person, who is not in labour, loses part of a day it is taken seriously.
Did you have any pethadine? I did towards the end of a very long labour and l lost about 6 hours, chunks of which returned as flashbacks over a period of 6 months and I'm fairly sure it was the drugs and exhaustion that caused the problems. It's also really hard if you don't remember first meeting your baby. Ask for a debrief to try and gain some understanding of why you cant remember. You've not said how long ago you gave birth but time did help me and now 10 months later it's something I went through and survived both physically and eventually mentally.

And no YANBU or ridiculous or need to get a grip. People ought to realise traumatic births can effect mental health. Some people should be ashamed.

Yes, thinking about it, my post upthread was really insensitive. Of course you can wish your birth experience was different. I think I imagined you were after the whole NCT dimly-lit breathe-birth but I was wrong.

My apologies. .

OP, I had a very similar experience and completely understand what you are saying. I had a one hour thirty minute back to back labor with no pain relief. I have no memory of it and only know what happened through reading my hospital notes. Apparently ventouse and forceps were used but I have no idea. I don't know who put my baby on to breast feed after the event - it was a midwife, apparently. Someone put my newborn baby on to my breast to feed and I haven't got a clue who did it or if I was even spoken to about it.

I have not `forgotten' my labor experience because I didn't know it in the first place, to be able to forget it. It's not that I had awareness of my experience and then forgot about it. I simply don't know it. The reason why I have no knowledge is because there was a point during it, early on, when I realized I might not make it out alive, my brain switched off and I lost all my senses - no eyesight, no hearing, no speech, no thought, nothing. I have black voids in my memory - this is dissociation and amnesia and a whole different ballgame from simply forgetting. I felt very robbed and grieved for not having any memory of a special time in my life, and was terrified that my brain could switch itself off like that. It was like being dead without being dead.

I developed post traumatic stress, dissociative disorders and post natal depression, and needed counselling to learn about and understand how my body reacted during the trauma, and to be able to move on from it. Please get help if you need it, and don't ignore your very valid feelings. I was haunted by my experience for a long time, and that could have been avoided if I had got counselling sooner. All is well now and I have a wonderful relationship with my child, having struggled to bond for the first couple of years. If anything, in the long term, it has made me treasure and value her more because I have some insight into how fragile our memories and consciousness are.