To feel robbed of a delivery experience

[callmehannahbaker]

I was in labour for 2 hours, I pushed for 14 minutes. I had 20 people in ready to rush me for a c section but I pushed against their wishes.

I only have that from notes-I remember none of it.

I watch OBEM and wish I had an experience of birth.

Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?

@louiseaaa, I was honest in saying about my reaction because that's exactly what it was. Why should I lie about it?
I based that reaction on her post saying that she had it while watching some TV programme, not because I felt her feelings were invalid.

Focus on your baby and be happy you are healthy and safe. Focusing on the past that cannot be changed will only bring you stress. We are lucky in this country to have the medicines and procedures we do to make childbirth as safe as possible.

And that's not invalidating anyone's feelings, its listening to the feelings and giving advice from my own personal opinion

So long as you and baby are both ok, then I think you should stop pining for something that wasn't possible, apparently.

A traumatized person cannot ignore the past. That's how trauma related disorders work - it as if you are still stuck inside that event and it is happening to you again and again. I'm not saying that the OP does have PTSD or related disorders - she would need to see a medical professional to get a diagnosis - just want to make the point that forgetting about whatever a traumatic event is, and focusing on something else instead, is not possible for a traumatized person to do without psychological support and treatment. Would people be giving out the same advice to survivors of other physically damaging experiences? Car crashes or earthquakes or other such events? Why is it expected of women who undergo sometimes brutal physical experiences in childbirth?

With my first I pushed for 4 hours and needed a forceps delivery, followed by a massive PPH. I was so ill that I don't remember it. And I am very glad about that, the bits I do remember were horrific!

I've been on MN for 10 years and some of the replies on this thread are some of the most appalling I've read in a long time.

Having a difficult or traumatic birth experience does NOT mean that you get to judge what is 'okay' to be upset about. Nor do you get to tell other women to shut the f up and get over it. Or, just as bad 'Just enjoy your baby, with a little for good measure.

Giving birth is an incredibly complex experience both physically and emotionally. A woman's reaction to it is frequently bound with her past, present and future life and physical and emotional landscape, none of which those sitting in judgement know a thing about.

I've had a couple of very traumatic incidents that, years on, I still reel from occasionally. It doesn't give me the right to tell someone else that they should shut the f up about THEIR problem because it's not as 'valid' as mine.

Brilliant post SheGotBetteDavisEyes

YANBU!! The world sometimes lack kindness a lot.
"Let's no play trauma top trumps." I also agree with this.

I have a blank period of time from a traumatic birth. It was a huge relief when my therapists said there was a name for it and it only happens when some people experience so much trauma that the brain shuts of until it feels safe. That time is just black. Having a gap in an important time that some people remember with such clarity can be surreal. Luckily for me I had my mom (birth partner) with me and was able to ask her few questions. It was also very hard for her and she blames herself a lot so I feel gulity discussing it with her as she is an expert in denial and don't like discussing it. Maybe if you ask for a birth debrief you can get some answers you seek? Be aware they may not have all the answers you seek as they are limited by what was written in your notes.

A first time mother (assuming that's what the OP is) doesn't necessarily know that her expectations aren't realistic until after she has an experience that delivers the necessary reality check. If all we have to go on is the media/NCT representation of childbirth and parenting, then it is not the mother who is to blame for being led to believe that is the sort of experience she should expect. Other women in my life - grandmother, mother, sisters - certainly didn't tell me about their experiences of childbirth so I assumed the sanitized version was what I should expect. It's a shock to learn first hand that that isn't how childbirth works, and women need empathy and understanding as they learn that hard lesson.

I don't think YABU OP. I think you can still be happy with the outcome but disappointed by the process IYSWIM. My last baby was born (fit and healthy, I am more than grateful) an hour after arriving at the hospital at 6cm. I was put under GA and had no idea what was happening at the time. I did a Birth Reflections with a midwife who went through timings with me and helped me fill in the blanks a bit. The one thing no one can tell me for sure was how much time passed between DS's delivery and me seeing him for the first time. It does still play on my mind 13 months later, even though I keep telling myself to let it go. It hasn't ruined anything for me really but I know what you mean when you say wish you hadn't missed the 'experience'.

I just don't see why any non-lobotomised person in the western world should not be not solely responsible for educating themselves about childbirth and what it can involve.

I was very well informed about childbirth and what it can involve. Weirdly, this did not make me feel any better about the part of mine where I thought the baby was dead.

OBEM never film the stitching

You see, I just don't see why any non-lobotomised person in the western world should not be not solely responsible for educating themselves about childbirth and what it can involve. If people are too daft/busy watching OBEM to educate themselves, its kind of their own lookout.

I don't understand your 'reasoning.' Are you saying that no one should ever be traumatised by any part of the birth process? After all, if you've learned 'what it can involve' then you should be nicely prepared?

You do know that researching something and experiencing something are very different things?

Are teachers not also responsible for preparing students for exams? And parents? So Haribols why are you holding women solely responsible for their own education of what childbirth is like? There is not enough information out there on traumatic childbirth. Such experiences get brushed under the carpet, and ridiculed; you provide a perfect example of someone who is doing that.

I’d pay someone good money to forget mine .

Also, OBEM is severely edited. They purposely ramp up the emotions and make it look as soppy as possible. It’s just not like that in reality.

Yabu you got a healthy baby out there my poor dm has to give birth to my db knowing he had died. Can imagine horrific that must be when you carry that baby almost to term and then lose that child?

You can read up, go to classes and look at outcomes and it still won't prepare you for the reality.

All the education in the world won't override your emotions.

The OP was asking whether it was unreasonable to want to be able to remember the birth of her child

She described what had been written in her notes

She watched OBEM where she saw other mothers being able to recall this.

I do think that she is not being unreasonable in wanting to be able to remember this - It's quite a moment (good or bad) that most mothers would want to remember

It's not a post asking you to play top trumps with your birth traumas. FFS most of us have a birth story - she doesn't as she can't remember.

Can you have a think, Haribols, about why “Missing large chunks of memory around birth” might be potentially a bit more upsetting than “no Stilton in fridge”? Maybe?

OP asked “Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?,” not “Aibu to her upset that I didn’t have aromatherapy and an Enya CD playing”.

By that logic Haribols , Mumsnet should be shut down because `grown adult females' should also not need support on how to get babies to sleep, how to feed them, how to educate their children, relationship problems etc etc.