To feel robbed of a delivery experience

[callmehannahbaker]

I was in labour for 2 hours, I pushed for 14 minutes. I had 20 people in ready to rush me for a c section but I pushed against their wishes.

I only have that from notes-I remember none of it.

I watch OBEM and wish I had an experience of birth.

Aibu to wish I had a birth I remembered?

I remember it all too well but still felt afterwards as if I'd missed out on something. I was induced and it was horrible, then DS got taken away almost immediately as he was having breathing problems.

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel like that. For me I think it was part of finding the whole thing extremely traumatic, yet it was called a 'normal birth' and any distress I showed about it afterwards was dismissed.

I remember when I was pregnant, watching a marvellous video of a woman giving birth in a pool in a cave in Paraguay, or something. It looked great, and I wanted my birth to be like that...anyway, now I just think: she was bloody lucky nothing went wrong.

How our children arrive in this world is such a teeny, tiny part of parenthood that I really wish we would not be quite so focussed on it.

Labour and delivery are potentially dangerous and full of risk. It is not that long ago that it was quite accepted that women and babies did not always make it. Having babies is SO much safer now (well, it is in developed countries) that the 'experience' is sometimes perceives as more important than the outcome. I think that is a great shame.

I don’t get you post? Is it because it was short?

I was unconscious for my second with a c-section under GA. I never had a newborn placed naked in my arms - both children were dressed by the time I met them. I’m just grateful they were both okay and I got to take them home within a few days.

Everyone’s experience is different. The ideal birth is one where baby and mother are safe with no long term health implications as a result of it.

PerfectlyDone

You said what I thinkbut so tactfully.

20 people in the room waiting to take you for a Caesarian, pushing against the wishes of the medics - it all sounds a bit traumatic to me, TBH, OP. I had a very long labour with DS1 and ended up with a forceps delivery, my memory of it is very sketchy. My sister had a short labour and quick delivery with her seconds, and she was in shock! There are many ways to give birth, all f them equally valid as birth experiences. I hope you're enjoying your baby now s/he is here. x

@PerfectlyDone and sometimes it's traumatic and damaging to the woman's mental health. The experience wasn't more important than the outcome to me, and I had no ideas about it being all scented candles, whale song and controlling the pain through meditation - I'm really not that optimistic and tend to expect things to go wrong.

So, yes, I'm grateful my baby and I both made out out alive, doesn't mean I don't regret that my mental health wasn't a consideration at all and that in the end I just had to stop talking about it as nobody would help me and it just meant another sleepless night reliving the whole thing over and over again. I now mostly just avoid anything to do with labour and birth, as it still makes me anxious to be reminded, but sometimes I can't help myself - like picking at a scab I suppose - and end up reading and commenting on threads like this.

Wow, there are a lot of replies.

To try answer some...

I was on my on-no DP

I was a consultant lead pregnancy due to many health reasons

I got to hospital at 3 cm, was at 10 cm 20 mins later-no time for anything

I'm very, very lucky DD was ok-I has a very high risk pregnancy

I am thankful for her health

mirime, that sounds awful and I would consider poor MH outcomes as you describe a birth injury in much the same way as a bad tear.
I am so sorry.

IMO and IME birth is such a cataclysmic event that whether expectations were realistic or not before, it can be traumatic even under the best of circumstances when viewed from the outside.

I don't think that 'healthy mum and healthy babe' is all that matters, but every experience is so unique and so many factors affect how a delivery will be seen with hindsight.

I often reply on these threads because I just hate how we beat ourselves up over how we delivered. ALL delivery experiences are valid and ought to be respected, not just the OBEM ones. And IMO how a delivery is remembered is often not about the exact circumstances and about whether it was a textbook delivery or not, but about whether the women felt in control of what was happening to her, felt listened to and trusted her team.

I had a highly medicalised induction, then an emCS at 31 weeks, then VBAC 2x with 4 MCCs amongst the whole lot. I fully appreciate how lucky I was to have alwasy felt well looked after, even when things were shit.
But mainly I was lucky to have 4 healthy kids and I'm still standing to

After two births I think I have had enough ‘experience’ I had my first in 4.5 hours. One hour labour, 3.5 hours of pushing, next was 24 hours of labour and 30 minutes pushing. It’s all the same amount and level of pain. Next two kids I had epidurals as I thought ‘ I know what labour feels like so meh - I don’t need the pain to experience birth’.

Birth and the experience never goes to plan but I would relive those days without hesitation. I don’t think you should feel robbed, it was your birth, no ones else’s, it was how it was meant to be for you. With my first birth that was very fast I had a outer body experience, I had pre eclampsia and my body just wanted him out. I couldn’t mentally handle the situation so my mind left my body, I don’t regret it, bits came back after time and my memories are calm and peaceful. It wasn’t. But my mind processed it that way to preserve myself. Otherwise I would have ptsd. Your mind probably did the same

I hear you, OP. Fast labours can be very traumatic. I believe its called precipitate labour. Your body barely knows that labour has started and, boom, there's the baby. You can end up in shock.

For those being dismissive, remember how some of the time passed by in a complete blur when you were labouring - whether it was because you were in agony or blissfully breathing through it is irrelevant. It's the physical and mental exertion that makes time seem to speed up.

Only on my third did I get to spend longer than 20 minutes in the delivery suite. And those 20 minutes were very intense - there was no time for settling in or getting to know your midwife. And no time for pain relief either. One of mine was in similar circumstances to yours, OP, in an OR with 20 people watching. Very surreal. One minute I was in admissions being dismissed as a precious snowflake, and literally 5 minutes later I was in the OR surrounded by people. I can only remember fragments of it.

With 40 minutes in the delivery suite with baby number 3, I actually had time to speak to my midwife before she caught the baby. That was lovely.

I would have liked the perfect birth, having a baby placed lovingly in my arms, the adoring first looks, so I do get it. I had a c section, GA, truama etc. I woke up out of head, barely able to speak my throat was so sore and the clear belief that one of my DC was probably dead. Amazingly they survived and were in intensive care. I don't remember the first time I saw my DC but I have had many lovely memories in the years since. Childbirth is a messy, dangerous business and if you all stay alive you have succeeded.

I have skipped to the end of a fast-moving thread.

I can't really recall the nitty gritty of either of my DCs births. Both were 'natural', both involved gas and air, one involved a very late epidural that numbed from beneath my boobs to mid pelvis, but not the 'action' area 😊.

But I couldn't care less. They were both born safely. I readily admit both in an Australian private hospital, with with my consultant obstetrician present; number 2 with him and the consultant paediatrician present...

However, I had 'a wobble' late on with DC1 regarding 'care'. The Book (American, 'What to expect when you're expecting', beloved of 'natural birth Australian midwives of that time...) stated 'You MUST have a Fantastic Relationship with your obstetrician' (otherwise your birth will haunt you forever)- made me feel my 'authoritarian' ob and I might not be on the same page; but sense prevailed: my job was to do my best; his was to deliver my baby alive and as safely as possible. He was WAY 'firmer' with me at the last stages of labour than 90% of people here would 'accept'; the bit from late labour, transition, and birth is a complete blur to me- but hey, job done, howling offspring sprung.

So, I couldn't care less that in my gas and air fuelled late labour, I have no clear memories (DH might, I haven't asked, 18 years later! 😊).

Job done. I don't go looking for memories I don't need.

Wow I would happily have swapped with you!
I would have loved to have had labours so short that I didn't remember!
Yabu- childbirth is horribly painful. Am very glad I am done and won't be doing it again!

I have heard quick births can be traumatic. However, the fantasy of having the perfect and memorable birth is just that. A fantasy. My dds birth was traumatic because I was absolutely exhausted in the end couldn’t push her out. After hours of trying for a home birth (which my independent midwife recommended because I have chronic pain), they called an ambulance only to be confronted with a rapid response guy ffs - I was there with 2 midwives. The ambulance finally came and by the time they delivered dd, she was in distress. I would have done anything to swap with you and have a quick birth.

I was so exhausted and physically traumatised by the experience that the midwives let me stay in the birthing room for 4.5 hours until shift change when I was carried off the bed and wheel-chaired downstairs. I never regained my strength post pregnancy and when dd was a toddler I became very ill and am now chronically ill. The grass is not always greener.

I think millions of women would readily swap places with you.
One of mine was 18hrs of excruciating pain and thank god a spinal (prep for C-section that ended up not going ahead). Stuff the name we had picked, I would have quite happily named my child after the anaesthetist at that point. Would be quite happy to remember none of it. It's just not at all realistic to compare the average childbirth to the bits they cobble together on OBEM.

You're entitled to feel however you want about your birth, OP. However, I do think it is a little insensitive to post about how you feel robbed of an experience that leaves so many women physically injured from pushing for hours, struggling with memories of interventions that hurt them and that they didn't want, or with tragic outcomes from labour. Just my view. Obviously, like I said, you can feel any way you want.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. A lot of people on here are being so horrible. Sounds like you might have had a really traumatic experience and sometimes our minds try to cope with that by blocking parts of it out.

Have you talked to anyone about this? You may have PTSD but either way, you might benefit from some counselling to help you come to terms with the experience and move on from it.

Might be worth checking out the birth trauma association website. They also have a private Facebook page which is full of lovely supportive people who have all experienced birth traumas.

Take care, OP. I'm really sorry you had an awful time. And please ignore the people being horrible on here.

I felt a little like this, my fist was emergency CS after sudden heart rate drop. This was our dc born after 7 various fertility treatments including 3 IVF. There had been so much medical intervention I had just hoped for a natural birth. However at the point of CS I just wanted a healthy baby, which I got, a tiny 4Lb 1oz gorgeous boy.

When I got pregnant again (with my little ice queen) I begged for a natural birth, despite being offered a CS. Trust me, after 21 hours of agonising back pain, 12 days over and only managing to reach half a centimetre, I practically begged for a CS. Good job as she was 9LB and I'm a size 6!!!!!

You are perfectly entitled (awful word) to feel you missed out but honestly, after reading only a few weeks ago on here about a dm who has been left doubly incontinent, I would just thank your lucky stars.

I have never once since regretted 2 x CS. Enjoy your gorgeous bundle!!

First not fist

I think our brains are primed to forget traumatic memories.

Some posts are really unsupportive, just because someelse had a worse birth doesn't mean the op's feelings aren't valid. Mental health is just as important as physical health in every area of life.
In the U.K. we have an awlful attitude to postpartum women and women are expected to accept whatever has happened to them as long as the baby is healthy. Mumsnet is running a campaign for better postnatal care. As mothers we should be sticking together to demand better care and being supportive of each other not dismissing others experiences and feelings.

I would be glad to remember less of my first birth. And my friend was so traumatised by hers she can't do it again. Don't get your problem at all.

I'm not sure what you mean if I'm honest - do you mean you don't recall pushing her out? Don't recall the feeling? Or just you were not totally with it?

I have very easy births compared to many but know that wen pushing I'm not of sound mind so to speak, I don't feel able to make decisions etc

@betterbemoreorganised
No some posts are really unsupportive because as Pengggwyn commented, the op saying she’s been “robbed of a birth experience” is a bit insensitive and will be felt particularly by those, who had a terrible birth experience or are left with life changing injuries and illnesses or without a baby at all. Being in that life changing illnesses category myself, I was pretty upset when I read it tbh. Although I did manage not to be insensitive. More balanced.