To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

dowager if people ask what they want, I tell them, yes. That’s normal, isn’t it?

If you’re going to someone’s wedding, you presumably like them so seeing them as ‘tight’ or ‘grabby’ for requesting money seems equally weird to me as you thinking giving unwanted crap is fine.

You'd ask for cash?

And you'd pass people a list of suggested present at the same time as inviting them to your birthday?

I do wonder, those that say it's tight: after you've given up time and made the effort to go into town, paid parking/bus fare, paid for the gift and then a couple of weeks down the line saw it on a selling on page for a quarter of the cost because the couple had no space/wasn't to their taste/got the same thing off Aunty Ethel. Wouldn't you have preferred to have been told what to get than making all that effort to have basically got a stranger a gift?

@WhiskeyStone eh? Where did I say anything like that?

Things I still think are really weird:

1. Thinking its fine for couples to ask for expensive sheets or fancy appliances but that it's the worst thing in the world if they ask for cash

1. People saying they would genuinely prefer to go through a whole rigmarole of phoning a parent or bridesmaid to find out what the couple would like instead of just looking at a nice convenient gift list or popping cash in an envelope

1. This idea that we should all coyly pretend that the convention for weddings in the U.K. for literally decades hasn't been to give gifts at weddings, and that the couple should instead act like they aren't expecting so much as a single crumb so that a guest - having gone through the above mentioned rigmarole - can present them with a nice le creuset and smugly pretend that they're doing something above and beyond what is just normal and expected for weddings only for the couple to return it to John Lewis three weeks later because they hate the colour and already have two casserole dishes

I agree OP.

cheesecake that can be solved by not going to strangers weddings. Go to the weddings of people you actually know and like then the gift won't feel like such a chore or admin task. First step I can't imagine being so focused on gifts that I'd be down the charity shop the day after my wedding having assessed my loot and deemed it to be unworthy tat. You sound mercenary.

Your last post is absolutely bang on OP. Should be a sticky!

OP

1. it's rude to ask for anything
2. it isn't rigmarole, if you know the person you'll already have ideas and if you don't there's time enough from when people announce weddings to find out. Do you not talk to family and friends in between anyway? Or is the only communication - b&g: here's your wedding invite You: what do you want as a gift b&g: cash You: ok If that is the sum of your friendship then no wonder you feel the way you do.
3. no one is saying it isn't traditional to give gifts. They're saying it's rude to expect and ask for them explicitly. It's materialistic and grabby.

I don't hate them. When we got married we had a home and we had everything we needed so we asked people to either donate to charity or to buy an activity on our honeymoon but said we didn't want or expect anything. I didn't want everyone asking us / parents what we wanted when the answer was nothing. Some people did buy us different stuff and to be honest some hasn't been used yet as we already have that item.

The last 5 weddings I have attended have asked for money which I think is great as at least them get something they want. Only time I have ever gone against this at all is when I bought guidebooks to the honeymoon destination as I knew they had forgotten.

Not at all, some of us are just not particularly adept at thinking of gifts even for people we're very close to. And it's particularly difficult in a wedding context because so many other people will be giving gifts of a similar type at the same time, so there's the worry of duplication. It's a rigmarole alright. To the extent that even those of you who clearly think you're good at this process are unlikely to have been as universally successful as you might imagine...

I always give money as presents. However, I don’t give anything when the couple write those cringey begging poems..
I am probably being unreasonable,, but I don’t like it when people ask for money.

I think the point you keep missing is some of us aren't hung up on gifts as being the main feature of a wedding. You're trying to say I've probably given crappy gifts but it's you that's more likely to do that as you are not good at it and are worried about being judged. I'm of the opinion that if a person is so judgey about gifts they've received they don't deserve one in the first place. I don't waste my time on shallow ill mannered people I'd rather decline the invite than feel like a cash machine.

Not at all, I either give whatever has been asked for on a present list or, in the absence of that, cash. As pointed out upthread, nobody ever refused cash for being the wrong colour.

And the point you keep missing is that one doesn't have to be hung up on gifts as the main feature of a wedding to want to give something that the couple will definitely like and use, rather than risk them having to waste space on something they don't want, don't like, have no use for. That 'main feature' nonsense is literally something you have invented. But if you care enough about someone that you're going to their wedding, you should also care about giving them something they will actually appreciate. If your only settings are appreciate present or judging, that probably says more about you than anything else...

I disagree you're too focused on the gift itself. The scenarios presented are being used to justify asking up front for things which is grabby and rude.

OP I was referring to you saying something along the lines of you wouldn't go anywhere without a gift as it makes you run cold. Most people who's skin crawls when they get an invitation along with a request for cash feel the same- gift giving is a big joy. It's being asked for cash unprompted which is rude. Gift lists of any kind when they just Coke with the invitation are rude so your point about it being ok when it's towels etc doesn't stand as its still not right but for various reasons that everyone has pointed out upthread being asked for money is worse (obvious value etc).

OP where do you stand on the money poems?

And people are saying: "if you like them enough to go to your wedding then you'd be blissfully happy to receive a request for cash" in the same breadth as "if someone gets me a physical wedding gift it will undoubtedly be horrendous junk I will give away immediately"- don't you trust your friends and family to choose something thoughtful?

Gift lists of any kind when they just Coke with the invitation are rude so your point about it being ok when it's towels etc doesn't stand as its still not right but for various reasons that everyone has pointed out upthread being asked for money is worse (obvious value etc).

I don't think anyone has given an even halfway rational explanation for why a gift list is 'better' than cash - if the couple have chosen the items they know what they cost, and I'm really not sure what the 'etc.' is.

Margaret I think what they are saying is that with a gift you can hide the value. So a posh vase bought in the sale for £20 when it was £100 original price will still present as a higher value gift to the recipient. But £20 in an envelope is still only £20.

She explicitly says 'gift list', for which you buy a set thing with a set price.

I also think people are generally deluding themselves about how much stuff they pick up in the sale is reading as worth - non-consumables like vases normally end up in the sale because no one wanted them!

If someone asks me what I want or what my kids want, I tend to just say nothing. If they insist, I ask for vouchers.

Why would I hand them a list? I’m not arguing for wedding lists, I think they’re way tackier than cash.

with a gift you can hide the value. So a posh vase bought in the sale for £20 when it was £100 original price will still present as a higher value gift to the recipient. But £20 in an envelope is still only £20.

See, to me this is still based on a false perception of value. If no-one actually wants or needs the vase, it doesn't matter how much it cost (much less how much it cost at a different moment in time).

Every penny of that money is still wasted.

Whereas the £20 could be put towards something that will be of genuine value to the couple.

All the bargain vase does is satisfy a need in the giver to hand over a 'substantial' looking present. Firstly that's all about them and secondly in a world where people have a different relationship with 'stuff' it can be a pretty meaningless gesture.

And I agree that things are usually in the sale for a reason. On the one hand, people are proclaiming how good they are at finding the perfect present (without help) for people they know and love. Well I'd say the chances of doing that get a lot slimmer when your other objective is to get something in the sale that looks like it cost more.

What I loathe, and see on MN sometimes, is the sentiment that the present’s cost or the cash donation should equal the cost of the hospitality.

To quote my MIL—You’re not running a business.

I think you're just jumping to convenient conclusions there Laurie

I was explaining to Margaret what another poster might have meant about preferring boxed gifts to cash. I used the vase to illustrate my example. You can replace vase with bedsheets casserole dishes whatever.

At no point did I say that it was my view. And I know, I know, you've told us already many times you prefer cold hard cash

A £100 vase is never going to be worth more than nothing to someone who doesn't want or need a vase, so no, it won't present more than £20 to them. Total waste of time and money and the recipient would probably wish you hadn't bothered.

If they wanted a vase, they would have bought one, or asked for one on a wedding list.

One of these vases is 50 pence from Ikea and one is nearly £80 and to me their value is exactly the same, they're both a vase and neither is particularly nicer in any way. I see no point in spending stupid money on such items that I have no interest in and would take a £20 to spend on something that interests me over an £80 vase, whether the giver paid £80 from a shop, £20 in a sale, or a pound from the charity shop any day of the week.