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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
killinginthenameof · 03/05/2018 18:43

Sorry op I don't have time to read the thread but just wanted to throw in my opinion, which is that they don't. Not in real life, not in my experience. People on here mind a lot. I personally have always given money, and don't mind being asked for it politely.

qumquat · 03/05/2018 18:48

I don't mind giving money. I just hate being asked for it because someone already owns all they want. I hate being asked to upgrade someone's pans and bedsheets too though. (One friend then invited friends to a sale of all her old stuff a few weeks after the wedding. I may have shouted fuck off rather loudly at her text inviting me). But I am poor, single and bitter which probably informs my views.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 18:48

In Asian culture they make a whole song and dance about not accepting the gift straight away. It would be very conceited indeed to just accept it immediately. In Chinese culture there is similar and often the gift is reciprocated. Where cash is concerned sometimes auspicious numbers are given. In India for example it is 11 and people might give that or 111. But the point is they do not, categorically do not ASK for it.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 18:52

Not to mention it's even more grabby!!!! to adopt a foreign tradition just because you feel you'll gain from it Shock

MissConductUS · 03/05/2018 19:02

In my experience in the US gifts are not explicitly asked for. There is often an on line registry for those who want suggestions for things the couple would like, and no one is disappointed to receive a check instead of a set of candlesticks or oven mitts.

We have always given money to family members getting married and it's always been sincerely appreciated.

HasAnyoneGotAProblemWithThat · 03/05/2018 19:10

Who is adopting a foreign tradition?

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 03/05/2018 19:18

There is no set amount to give at Irish weddings. We have given between €100-€200 and we got various amounts from €50 onwards. €50 is pretty much the Irish equivalent of £20. A decent amount that you can buy a fair bit with but not madly out of bounds. Many of you would absolutely faint if you saw what happens here at first holy communion and confirmation times. 😱😱

ZX81user · 03/05/2018 19:22

I would rather give money than have to think about, shop for choose and wrap a gift.

MissConductUS · 03/05/2018 19:24

Agreed. No one ever returned money because it was the wrong color.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/05/2018 19:31

I often used to buy a nice crystal flower vase/picture frame or something similar if l saw it in a closing down sale or similar and it was a real bargain without having a particular recipient in mind. To me the fact l only paid a quarter ( or whatever) of what it cost was immaterial to the recipient. Can't do that with cash.

ZenNudist · 03/05/2018 19:33

To all the people saying "well asian weddings expect money and thats considered fine". My only experience of an Indian wedding was of many many guests invited and all food and drink laid on over a several days ceremony and party. The hosts are categorically not profitting from it.

Yes i happily gave cash. I hadnt expected such generosity. Your standard UK wedding at a minimum has a cash bar and is often eye poppingly expensive to buy drinks.

Irish weddings dont they also pay for drink?

UK weddings can be really lousy for food as well so no wonder people begrudge demands for cash.

Dont forget the "we hired this venue now everyone has to pay £150 -£200 per room per night" and expectations you will make a weekend of it. Then asking for cash gifts on top.

And the lavish hen and stag dos that cost guests hundreds. Strikes me some brides and grooms are very good at spending other people's money.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 19:34

No but that would be because weddings are a rather larger deal with much more complex etiquette surrounding them whiskey, and more people who seem to think it necessary to construct a pretence at not knowing gifts are normally offered on certain occasions and people may want some form of guidance on the point.

As for odd, if there's one thing this thread has taught us, it's that odd is in the eye of the beholder.

ZenNudist · 03/05/2018 19:36

Why is everyone upthread saying the alternative to cash is a silver photo frame, 22 casserole dishes or things you dont want. If you register you can pick things you like so difficult to be aggrieved about things you chose.

The 'finance my garden' idea was lovely. Id be happy that you had something great to remember the wedding by.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 19:42

Because some people are also opposed to registers ZenNudist.

MissConductUS · 03/05/2018 19:51

Your standard UK wedding at a minimum has a cash bar and is often eye poppingly expensive to buy drinks.

I have never seen this in the US. If the bride and groom want to cut costs they'll limit the bar service to wine, beer and soft drinks, particularly with an afternoon reception. A cash bar would be over the top miserly here.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/05/2018 19:54

The people asking for cash and presents invariably have a cash bar. Wink

ZenNudist · 03/05/2018 20:02

Yes admittedly you cant do right for trying on here. Gift registers are fairly normal (or at least were standard a decade ago). To avoid the aforementioned 22 casserole dishes or getting things not to your taste.

Twee poems were not ten a penny. Pretty much most weddings ive been to had a register. I get this is considered rude but surely not as rude as actually saying "we dont need gifts, give us money" .

Ive never (figuratively) frothed at the mouth about the odd request for cash. Apart from most recent one: 2 hens and 2 stags (we were invited to 3/4) all costing £400 apiece, overseas childfree wedding so we had to pay for a big villa to accommodate family who were coming to babysit. Cost about £4k, plus flights plus spends.... very expensive (but lovely) destination...then came a request to fund their honeymoon to Malaysia and Bali.... from the guy who didnt get us a wedding gift and whom we are always expected to host but is a lousy host in return. After that i chose to ignore gift list entirely. WIBU? I have felt bad ever since. Though i shouldn't seeing as we gave them all our baby stuff saving a fortune...

MissConductUS · 03/05/2018 20:02

The people asking for cash and presents invariably have a cash bar.

I guess our reputation as uncultured louts is undeserved. Wink

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 03/05/2018 20:05

Only cash bars in Ireland. A toast drink and wine at dinner on the bride and groom the rest you pay yourself.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 20:07

This is what I dont get zen, the 'surely' bit. Can't fathom why it's ok to ask for household goods but not cash. Very inconsistent.

Agree on the can't do right for doing wrong part though...

ForalltheSaints · 03/05/2018 20:09

I understand why this is done, however it is not something I particularly like. If as is validly pointed out, many couples have set up home already, and quite a few have children, wouldn't it be better just to suggest a donation to charity as one couple I know did?

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 20:13

zen there is a direct correlation between those that are the most audacious takers also being the worst givers. Utterly shameless has your friendship suffered as a result?

WhiskeyStone · 04/05/2018 02:51

But OP now you're trying to twist the issue into being those that don't ask for cash are tight. That's really silly. The vast majority of people who are offended by requests for cash would still give a gift, even a cash one, they are simply pointing out that requesting cash is rude.

It's more tight to request cash- just don't request anything and let the guests give what they choose!

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 04/05/2018 03:20

whiskey

Is it 'tight' to not want pointless crap being bought? It is SUCH a waste of resources, the time of the giver, the money of the giver and the space of the receiver.

It isn't 'requesting' cash, it's saying that IF you must give a gift, cash would be preferable.

How on earth is that tight?

I don't WANT the guilt of a bunch of presents hanging around that I neither want nor like, but I also don't want the guilt of taking them to charity the day after the wedding.

Why do people insist on foisting their unwanted gifts on people? Isn't THAT selfish? Like you're saying anything you buy is somehow BETTER than what the guests actually want?

It is such a self-centred attitude.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/05/2018 03:50

Do you hand out lists for your birthday and your children's birthdays then, FirstStep?

I have to admit, when people went out and got us thoughtful, unexpected gifts for our wedding (after we'd said 'no presents'), I really wasn't left thinking how 'self-centred' they'd all been.

These are people I love, and like (enough to invite them to my wedding). They were doing something nice....?