To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

Asking for gifts of any kind is rude, asking for money is ten times worse

Why is it ten times worse?

And how do you square that with the fact that it's normal for most of the rest of the world?

scrolling grow up.

@MargaretCavendish Why can't people just not ask for anything and let guests ask them what they want if they choose to give a gift and really don't know what to do? If the B&G don't ask for anything most guests will give money anyway it's he asking that's awful.

Well that goes back to my point about physical things Laurie. Some people like them and are more than entitled to do so, though personally if people are going to take that route I'd rather they're considerate enough to provide a gift list to save me time. Others don't.

Really though, the reality is that attitudes to wedding gifts and money are increasingly mixed in the UK. People can delude themselves all they like that it's not happening and not subjective, but it is, and this thread is a good example of that. The old norms have changed.

If you're saying that no one should ever include a gift list of any kind then I don't have an issue with that whiskystone - I disagree, but can completely see your point. It's the 'asking for a posh duvet set is totally reasonable but asking for cash is vulgar' position that I find incomprehensible and, frankly, stupid.

1. It's rude to ask for any gift and even ruder to specify what the gift should be.

No one on this thread thinks it's ok to demand a gift. However, If guests want to give a gift (and many of them do) I think it's much more considerate and respectful of their time and money to give them a steer. I'm not a fan of wasting hard earned cash.

2. Weddings now are ridiculous and usually cost £££ to attend. Expecting cash on top of that is a bit rich.

This is a separate point -and it's not universally true. As already said, no one is expecting anything.

3. People without much money can be creative and inventive with a gift and feel like they haven't shown themselves up. Very hard to do when giving cash.

It may be an inventive buy, but still likely to be stuff people don't want or need - thus a total waste of said money.

4. If you have everything you need then ASK FOR NO GIFTS. Why the hell do you think you're entitled to cash from your guests?

Why is it legitimate to get a toaster from guests, but not an experience/contribution to a holiday? Once more for luck, no one on this thread thinks they're entitled to anything.

It's the 'asking for a posh duvet set is totally reasonable but asking for cash is vulgar' position that I find incomprehensible and, frankly, stupid.

Totally agree

I live in a culture where money is usual at weddings. I think it's easier and it makes sense. I also don't seen why it is any more grabby than having a gift list ("Buy me one of these things!!"). Never met anyone in RL who objects to money.

This thread is fairly xenophobic. Dismissive of cultures where it’s the norm to

1. Take a gift
2. For the gift to be monetary

Because only the British way will do. Ridiculous & racist to boot.

4. If you have everything you need then ASK FOR NO GIFTS. Why the hell do you think you're entitled to cash from your guests?

The problem with this is that there are some people who will not abide by this because they feel a need to bring something because it is generally a cultural expectation that a wedding is a gifting occasion.

Therefore I don't see a problem with invites specifying no gifts but if guests want to give something then the bride and groom would appreciate cash over items.

That way people have the options up front:

1. those who don't want to bring a gift don't have to as they have received explicit " permission" not to bring one;

2. those who want to give something can put some money in a card and feel like they have gifted the couple

3. the couple expect no gifts but know that if they do get gifted then it will not be (potentially) redundant/not to their taste items they are then obliged to deal with in some way (either through time taken to regift/donate or space taken by storing/displaying) and instead is money they can invest in something they want (whether that is an upgrade on their honeymoon or to put towards new towels)

I don't mind. The same with birthdays, I would rather someone tell me what they want than waste my money on a gift that isn't wanted!

Genuine question - if the hosts (for any occasion) clearly put 'no gifts please' on the invitation why do so many people feel obliged to give a gift?

I have to say, I think asking for money is a lot less rude than these overly-specific 'We will accept THESE bath towels from THIS outlet in THIS exact shade, and only THESE bath towels from THIS outlet in THIS exact shade', so I'm leaning towards YANBU.

(BTW: circulating a gift list when no one's actually asked for 'direction' in what gifts to buy? Also ruder than asking for money.)

At the end of the day, I think explicit requests for gifts of any kind are not only rude but entitled and presumptuous. And that goes double for solicitations of baby shower gifts.

People saying that its rude to ask for money but usually there's a gift list anyway?? so don't really see what the problem is.

I wouldn't feel comfortable turning up at a wedding with no present or gift anyway!

It's rude to ask.
It's not rude to REPLY to the question of ' what would you like as a present?'

Massive difference.

Rather like 'move' compared with ' excuse me please'.
Again, huge difference.

I'm of the ilk where I take something to dinner, birthdays, christenings, weddings, births, etc. Even bought my friend a bottle for her divorce party. Do I expect? No.

My dp and I get married next year and we have said no gifts but you'll guarantee we'll get something.

Genuine question - if the hosts (for any occasion) clearly put 'no gifts please' on the invitation why do so many people feel obliged to give a gift?

Because people want to give. And that's fine. Lovely, in fact.

Like Helpmeplan, I won't go anywhere empty-handed. No matter how quick and casual the get-together is, I will take something to contribute or give the host.

At our wedding, we expressly said 'no gifts'. People still brought gifts, as I have done under similar circumstances. People like to give.

But that's people bringing gifts because they want to. And giving what they want to give. Which is so much nicer.

This, to me, is a completely different scenario from one in which I (or DH and I) ask for gifts. To me, that is ... I dunno, I can't really put into words how much I could never do that.

And for all those saying, 'this is a MN thing, in the real world, everyone asks for stuff' ... no.

In your limited social sphere it might be normal, but that doesn't make it so. This is your window into what some people are definitely thinking!

Speaking of windows into what some people are definitely thinking, I think it's ruder to oblige people to either ask or make wild guesses, instead of just not pretending you don't know full well people like to give gifts at weddings and giving them the information. I'd much rather simply be told straight out. I have enough to do and worry about already.

@CuntinuousMingeprovement Do you feel it's rude of people hosting birthday parties or any other event not to provide you with a request for a specific gift? How odd.

it's normal for most of the rest of the world? Incredible generalisation. What's more normal in the rest of the world is hospitality actually. Some of you sound like terrible hosts.

But taking a (small) gift to a dinner party or similar usually means flowers/chocolates/wine - all of which are consumable and can be discretely passed on if you don't like them.

But equally, if people specify 'no gifts please' then guests should honour that request. No one should have to feel 'obliged' to give a wedding gift to a couple who are probably spending £1000s on their day and don't really need cash/toasters/champagne or whatever.

Maybe it comes down to how you view celebrations generally. I wouldn't even turn up to a coffee at a friend's house without something (usually small, like chocolates or flowers or whatever) so the thought of going to a wedding and not giving a gift makes me run cold. Not because I think anyone is entitled to a gift but because I think it's kind and generous and it makes me happy. But if you don't feel that way I suppose the expectation of gifts at a wedding is offensive! (Even though I don't actually think the expectation is as powerful as some on this thread think it is)

I hate requests for money but thought it was just me until I joined MN. The reason I hate them is mainly the way they are phraased. Whether it's in a twee poem or otherwise the gist is always 'we have everything we could possibly desire in our home so please give us cash/pay for our holiday'. The 'we have so much already so give us more' message sticks in my craw.

incredible generalisation

Not really. As we've heard on this thread it's perfectly normal for lots of European and Asian cultures. If anyone has experience with Africa/Latam it would be interesting to hear that.

What's more normal in the rest of the world is hospitality actually. Some of you sound like terrible hosts.

This point makes no sense. On what grounds can you compare individual posters hospitality with foreign hospitality? Have you been to many MN weddings?