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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too consider sacking my au pair

162 replies

autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 18:17

I have had a nice au pair since January, who gets on well with the children. When she first came here, she wanted to go away with us when we went away at weekends, but abruptly one time, she decided that she'd prefer to stay home when we went away, and has done ever since.

We went away without her this weekend and when we got home we noticed that someone had been sick in the family toilet (which she doesn't normally use) and hadn't cleaned it properly. We didn't say anything to her as we weren't sure what to say.

This morning I took the recycling out and found a carrier bag full of bottles in the recycling bin. She doesn't really seem to understand the recycling system here, so I assumed she thought carrier bags could be recycled along with other recycling. I picked up the bag and tipped out the bottles, only to find it was actually her rubbish bin, which contained loads of beer bottles as well as condoms. She has never drank when in the house with us.

When she came downstairs I asked her what had happened and why she had had a man in my house while we were away. If she wants to invite people over, then I think it's polite to ask first, or at the very least, inform me. What she does in her own time is up to her, but what she does in my house is up to me. Her response didn't make sense and she insisted that he did not come in the house. She said that everything they did, happened elsewhere, but she decided to take the rubbish back with her, which is why it is in my bin. She said that there was sick in the toilet because she had been sick after she got back. This has it's led me to wonder how many times she has done this when we have been away. I don't want random people that we don't know (and she barely knows) in my house for a weekend (she said she met him in a WhatsApp group).

I don't know where to go from here, we go visiting people maybe one weekend a month, but now I don't feel comfortable leaving her in my house, but equally I can't insist that she comes with us. Sacking her seems quite extreme because she is good with the kids, but I don't trust her alone in my house any more.

OP posts:
daphneduck · 02/05/2018 18:23

To be honest I wouldn’t be happy. I know she is meant to feel at home but the sick in the toilet and the condoms etc seem a bit weird and....seedy?

NCJaneDoeNut · 02/05/2018 18:27

‘I brought the rubbish home?’

Bollocks.

StealthPolarBear · 02/05/2018 18:29

Agree I wouldn't be happy but condoms are not seedy!

jedediah · 02/05/2018 18:30

I would get rid. Getting an au pair job is so competitive - there are so many girls who want to do it - that as an au pair you know that if you do not present yourself well, do what you're asked to do and treat the house with respect, then you will be replaced very rapidly.

I speak from experience - in my au pair days I twice replaced a sacked au pair at very short notice.

Get rid. YANBU.

PetulantPolecat · 02/05/2018 18:30

Well you don’t trust her because she’s been lying. No comeback from that, really, when it’s someone you trust your children with and hand them a key to your home. You need to be able to trust her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2018 18:30

You don’t trust her, and you shouldn’t due to her behaviour, so I don’t think you have much choice.

She could have had a conversation with you beforehand but she didn’t. She could have been honest when you asked but she didn’t. Leaving sick in the toilet is disgusting.

NewYearNewMe18 · 02/05/2018 18:32

I thought au pairs were to treat the host house as a home?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/05/2018 18:33

Do you leave sick in the loo for other people to come across in your own home?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/05/2018 18:34

NewYear they also have to respect the host house, and the host.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 02/05/2018 18:35

Sounds like she had a party rather than one bloke round.

hubblebubbleworry · 02/05/2018 18:35

The lying is the issue - if she’d been honest and apologetic about the sick and done a full clean of the bathroom, I’d have given her a second chance but she needs to learn early that lying doesn’t go unpunished. Good life lesson for her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/05/2018 18:35

Yes like a home. Not a knocking shop.

BiddyPop · 02/05/2018 18:38

APs treat the host house as home - it still need permission if the parents to have others over. Normally there's not a problem - but the host parents need to make that decision about THEIR house rather than APs assuming it.

Trust would be gone for me.

Speaking as someone who had APs for 4 years and many occasions of both AP accompanying us on trips and of being left at home without us, and being allowed visitors (sometimes we were there, others not).

Wannabecitygirl · 02/05/2018 18:40

Id get a spy Camera and watch !

PersianCatLady · 02/05/2018 18:42

NewYear
Even though our house is my son's home, I would be annoyed if he was inviting randoms round when I wasn't here without asking.

juneau · 02/05/2018 18:46

She brought her rubbish home with her - beer bottles and used condoms?? Yeah right! She's lying to you OP. She's been having men over and partying in your home every weekend you're away. Stop being so naive! She's probably never had a whole house to herself for 48 hours before and so she makes the most of it and most au pairs are too young to really have much sense of responsibility for other people's homes (I should know, I used to be one). If you don't want random men in your home when you go away you'll either have to find some way of enforcing that (nanny cam, family or friends popping round to check, etc), or you'll have to let her go.

DairyisClosed · 02/05/2018 18:46

I would sack her if you can easily get a replacement/don't really need her. If not then get an indoor sjrvailrnce system for shared living spaces like kitchen etc as well as looking at the doors and tell her about it. Then sack as soon as you can find someone else.

okdok · 02/05/2018 18:52

Tell her she has to go away with you at weekends.

durgha · 02/05/2018 18:55

You haven't mentioned where you come from. If you are in Malaysia, for example, getting rid of rubbish is a problem. If you don't want her to feel at home, then definitely tell her off about this. (And look for a new au pair). Before you do that, why not ask your children how they feel about it. If they like/love her, they may not care if there is sick in one of the toilets while you are away.

helloflamingogo · 02/05/2018 18:56

I’d be up front with her and tell her what you’re thinking and take it from tubers. If it’s one more chance tell her it’s one more chance and why.

Wat she does in her free time isn’t your business but who she’s bringing into your home most certainly is

caringcarer · 02/05/2018 18:57

I would sack her for gross misconduct.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2018 18:58

She is bringing complete strangers into your home! I would go through the fucking roof. You can either get rid, or you can tell her no more visitors, ever, and to make sure you are having cameras installed so you can check on your home at any time.

EssentialHummus · 02/05/2018 18:58

I'd explain what you believe happened and give her an opportunity to own up. If she does, one more chance. And I'd be getting a camera tbh.

JacquesHammer · 02/05/2018 19:02

Yes like a home. Not a knocking shop

Seriously?? Because she had - gasp - a gentleman caller?!

I see no issue with her having friends/men back when you’re not there. I think the lack of cleaning the loo needs raising.

If you’re otherwise happy with her I wouldn’t sack her over this.

Original poster
autumnleaf1 · 02/05/2018 19:05

Thanks for so many responses! The reason she said that she brought the rubbish home was because they had been having sex in the man's car. This seems unlikely because:

  • With an empty house available, why would you opt to have sex in a car?
  • There had been about 12 bottles and she said she only had 4, which leaves around 8 bottles for him. At almost 2 units a bottle, that would put him at 16 units! I find it unlikely that they would have decided it was better for him to drive home than to stay overnight here. Especially as he doesn't live anywhere near us (30 minutes to an hour away)
  • Who gets so drunk it makes them sick, but they remember to clean someone else's car and put the rubbish in the bin?
  • There aren't many young foreign men who have cars; she doesn't know any British people and the WhatsApp groups that she joins are all for Spanish people

I agree that lying is a sackable offence, but I need to be totally sure she is lying before I do it

OP posts: